Dizzie Gillespie

I just thought about the fact that I have limited amounts of energy for the day. What if I am using up an inordinate amount doing my stupid ass dances when I wake up?!? Hahaha. Also I've decided they are worth it and I have to discover some other way to create energy. Either way if I have to live with the disease, it has to live with me dancing. Poorly.

Still Got It

I wake up some mornings, stretch and say to myself "I still got it!" And that sucks because it's a disease :)

So...

My latest MRI shows that I'm getting worse and I can already hear so many people saying thats not possible, you were already the worst. To them I say touché and you know thats not what I meant. But yeah that was funny.

Not Again

I remember when I bought my first car. With the help of my mom of course. It came after a time of great tragedy in my life. My best friend was just killed. I was supposed to be with him, but the phone was disconnected and he didn't call me back. This was before the time of caller ID and even star 69 I think. Phone calls used to just end and you'd move on with life. Except his life didn't move on. Hours later he was killed in a drive by shooting standing in front of the home of the girls we were supposed to be hanging out with that night. A thought that I always add in here is that he was my best friend but I was not his. I wasn't cool enough to be. Ha. I looked up to him for as long as I could recall. We lived across the street from each other and when my mom told me that I was going to get to go to the same private junior high with him I was loving life. He was my hero. Anywho... I bought my first car days after he was taken from us. I was mourning and excited. So much so that when I got the car I didn't realized that it did not have an air conditioner nor did it have a radio. It took a couple of days for it to sink in. Once it did I became intimately familiar with the sounds of my car as I sweated on the freeway on the long road to work. If something was wrong believe me, I'd hear it before it went super sideways. It didn't matter that I was not a mechanic. Even if I could hear it though, didn't mean I could fix it. Which brings me to today. Life on leave from work has gotten more quiet. I am listening to and feeling my body. Most of my problems as of late have been on my right side. Even if they are potentially getting better, and I am convinced they are, they hurt more. And yesterday in the quiet, I began to notice a pain that I have recently become familiar with in my left arm. So... fuck.

Water

MS hurts. I pray for those that are in more pain than I am. Relief seems far away even when you are getting slightly better everyday. This thing is random as hell though. As my hand is getting something back in the area of motion and feeling I have the sensation of the hand being wet when it’s completely dry. Strange AF.

Tears

So I didn’t cry at all yesterday. That’s a far cry (pun allowed, but not necessarily intended) from the day before when I was reduced to tears at Walmart because I could not find a spinal tap shirt that I wanted to wear when I go to take a spinal tap next week. I had also just left physical therapy so I was not as strong as I would’ve liked to have been. I parked and hopped on a rascal, scooting by so many older people that were getting along just fine. I was embarrassed. I was disappointed. Not in me, but in my body for failing me. But such is life. It’s a new world for me full of things that I gave little thought to because I could do them without thinking. Now I need to plan. I need to think. Hell. I like those things. I just get to do more so there’s no complaint or at least there shouldn’t be. I’ll save my complaints for the pain. There’s lots of that. Anywho...

Valleys

So I am in a valley. Its important to recognize that. Thats because I need to be clear that this is not the mountaintop. No matter how low I get i recognize that God can reach me in these low points and lift me up. Man. There will be struggles. I've always liked challenges but damn. actually a challenge thjat i'm dealong with right now is tryping since my right hand is in dire straights, so i'm not gong to clean up typos this morning. What I will clean up is the crap i've ingested. I'll talk about whats wrong with me not for sympathy, but for a reminder for how far i have come and what i'd llike to avoid with a relapse. Thhis is going to be motiviation and i need all i can get. Especially in te mornings. /i have recognzed that as the time when i like to cry. A lot. For happiness and anger and success and pain. anywho typing is pain right now so i'm gonna cut thos short. dictation is not a bad option as i learn to hack this condition. can't let it hack me.