April 18, Day 42, 249.6 lbs

Dear Diary,
Tough weekend. Lots of ups and downs. Temptation always is strongest when I am worn down from a long  week of work and I want to relax. Donut here, cake there. House parties. But I made it through. Now I'm gonna take a quick trip to Vegas for work. Remember that time we were in Vegas and we painted a little mustache on you so you could gamble? Then I stabbed you at Circus Circus when you hit the jackpot. Your fault. You should have shared. Instead you tried to run away. You know how I found you right? Its a small world. I followed the drip. Your blood looks like ink. Ah, good times. You know how they say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Thats bulls**t, I told everybody how you cried. Plus  if I eat my a** off down there, I know you're gonna tell. I can also be sure the weight won't stay there. Its gonna follow my fat a** home. I already know I'm gonna be killing a steak tomorrow night, but I need to figure out how I'm gonna handle myself the rest of the time. With class? Don't make me f*** you up. I'll yank you by your hair and braid your s**t so tight that you'll have to sleep with your eyes open. I can do it. I used to be a muthaf***in boy scout. I had all kinds of merit badges. OK it was like 5 but I am always prepared to f*** you up. Our motto was "be prepared." To be better prepared to not eat myself into oblivion, I'm taking some apples, bananas, water and trail mix with me. A doctor doesn't go into surgery without his tools. And I'm not going to sin city without my virtue. Now I'm not sure how apples are virtuous. They've gotten bad raps throughout history. I mean Eve eats an apple and bam! We're all screwed for life. Then when they say a kid is bad, they call him a bad apple? And you know how they say a bad apple ruins the bunch.  Well I've got good apples. The rest of the fruit is good too. So I'm not worried, you f***ing test tube baby. But TLO is. She told me to have fun, but not too much fun. What the f*** does that mean? How am I supposed to determine when I cross the line? Am I to assume that fun and too much fun are like comparing apples and oranges so it will be obvious? I'm just gonna err on the side of caution and do nothing. Of course thats not true douche bag.  Well I'll see you later b***h, I'm going to Vegas. Huh? You don't like it when I call you that. Alright ho, I'll be back.

March 29, Day 22, 253.8lbs

Dear Diary, 

Seems like I've been wrong about a few things lately. I'm always man enough to admit them too. No you stupid f***er, not about you. I've been right about you all along and I'm convinced you're going to die in a fire. I'm talking about dates. I can't tell you how many bags of trail mix have been dropped to the side because I saw dates in the bag. Actually I could tell you. It was like two. I've dropped other bags of trail mix for other nasty s**t, but dates were by far the things that pissed me off most. It was only because the bags were otherwise perfect. Great mixture of nuts, seeds and dried fruits. Then a s**tload of some bulls**t a** dates. But diary, I gotta admit it I was wrong. Dates are delicious. At least when they are dried up and covered with what I can only imagine are delicious little specks of sugar that are too small for me to consider making a difference in me getting fat or not. The lovely one returned from Vegas and the kids were able to eat something for the first time since Saturday. Thank goodness, the baby's crying was almost as bad as you diary. Yeah I said it. Now shut the f***up you stupid ****. That didn't even sound nice to me and I might have been wrong to say it, but I'm gonna have to take some time to reflect on that. Later. Much later. Back to me a**hole. The lovely one hooked up some chicken tacos (nothing fried, except for some itty bitty strips of tortilla. Since she put them in there I'm gonna say it's OK because I'm convinced she's got my best interest in mind, which was not always the case. I'm sure she was always looking out for me. I just wasn't convinced. I was pretty sure she was trying to keep me fat so no one else would want me. True story) and a salad. The salad dressing was on the table and when I reached for it she said, "you're gonna put balsamic on that?" Now I may not be the smartest person in the world, but salad dressing is supposed to go on salad, right? It's a rhetorical question a**hole. Shut up! And even though ranch has somehow been linked to black people almost exclusively and used on any number of items, it is in fact a salad dressing and could possibly be used to adorn lettuce and the s**t that joins it's leafs on your plate. Having demonstrated my knowledge of salad dressing and it's many uses I said, "uh, I guess not." So after eating a thoroughly confusing but well cooked meal, I was given dessert by TLO. Damn diary, are you that f***ing dense? No it's not a rhetorical question! That dessert was a fruit salad, with trail mix and whipped cream. It was delightful. I even used that word when describing it to her. It sounded incredibly fruity to me, but you are what you eat and by that time I had already eaten two bananas and an apple on the day. Needless to say there were dates in there. After I b***hed for a moment I ate one. Then very quickly ate them all. I told her that I was reconsidering my stance on dates. The world of trail mix is open to me once again. Thanks to TLO. She asked if I'd reconsider my stance on mandarin oranges. I said "f*** no," knocked over the glass that I had placed them in after picking them from my otherwise delightful fruit salad and walked away in a rage. You're lucky you weren't there diary. I'm convinced I'd have set you on fire. Good times. Good times...

PS. Mandarin oranges are stupid. 

PSS. Mandarin oranges belong in China and next time I find one in my food I'm gonna dig a hole to China and send them the f*** back. 

PSSS. I hate mandarin oranges more than I hate you diary. 

PSSST. No I don't. I hate you more than anything in the world, you piece of s**t

PSSSS. I golfed yesterday and did a little bit of exercise thanks to TLO. I'm gonna have to do that again after looking at the scale. Almost down 12 lbs. No thanks to you. D**khead.

March 28, Day 21, 256.2 lbs

Dear Diary and Scale,

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead (Philippians 3:13). That's just part of the good word I got yesterday at church. The meaning and the context is much deeper than what I'm gonna to use it for, but nonetheless it's appropriate. Times a' changin' and so am I. No more chubby, no more stagnation or being subdued. No more excuses. I can't do anything about the past. Doesn't mean to ignore it and it's lessons though. I need them if I'm gonna succeed in the future.  Learning my lesson while moving towards my goals will provide me the momentum needed to finish strong. Not to mention once I get this big body moving I can also count on inertia for a few moments. So, so far I've learned that salt can cause problems. Sugar causes problems. Fried food causes problems. Soda causes problems. Cakes can be nice for celebrations and they cause problems. Red meat...well, have you ever seen a cow hurt anyone? But OK. Red meat can cause problems. But all of those things cause problems if they are abused. Abuse itself is a problem. I've learned that I can live without all of those things for some period of time, but what I really need to do is to learn to live with them. That is my pursuit. Losing weight too. Maybe losing weight first. Then pursuing mediation with the things that are trying to kill me. OK. How about both? I can do both.  After pursuing, I start producing, then I start prevailing. I win (weight loses). Winning, duh? Cause all I do is win, win, win no matter what. Got donuts on my mind and I can never get enough... Ahhh donuts. Crap. 

PS. You guys caught another Sunday recap pass, Diary and Scale, but don't think for a minute that once this church wears off that we don't have beef. Ahhh beef. 

PSS. Thanks to my Pastor for the inspirational message. I'm sure he was talking to everybody, but I took it as my own. 

PSSS. I was gonna say something if the scale went up, but luckily... Screw that. No luck involved. It should have went down. I expect it to continue to drop. No more yo-yo at this spot.

PSSST. I may have found a temporary trail mix substitute while rummaging the cabinets to find food for the kids. Don't worry they'll eat soon. The lovely one is returning from Vegas today.