Dear Diary,
Seems like I've been wrong about a few things lately. I'm always man enough to admit them too. No you stupid f***er, not about you. I've been right about you all along and I'm convinced you're going to die in a fire. I'm talking about dates. I can't tell you how many bags of trail mix have been dropped to the side because I saw dates in the bag. Actually I could tell you. It was like two. I've dropped other bags of trail mix for other nasty s**t, but dates were by far the things that pissed me off most. It was only because the bags were otherwise perfect. Great mixture of nuts, seeds and dried fruits. Then a s**tload of some bulls**t a** dates. But diary, I gotta admit it I was wrong. Dates are delicious. At least when they are dried up and covered with what I can only imagine are delicious little specks of sugar that are too small for me to consider making a difference in me getting fat or not. The lovely one returned from Vegas and the kids were able to eat something for the first time since Saturday. Thank goodness, the baby's crying was almost as bad as you diary. Yeah I said it. Now shut the f***up you stupid ****. That didn't even sound nice to me and I might have been wrong to say it, but I'm gonna have to take some time to reflect on that. Later. Much later. Back to me a**hole. The lovely one hooked up some chicken tacos (nothing fried, except for some itty bitty strips of tortilla. Since she put them in there I'm gonna say it's OK because I'm convinced she's got my best interest in mind, which was not always the case. I'm sure she was always looking out for me. I just wasn't convinced. I was pretty sure she was trying to keep me fat so no one else would want me. True story) and a salad. The salad dressing was on the table and when I reached for it she said, "you're gonna put balsamic on that?" Now I may not be the smartest person in the world, but salad dressing is supposed to go on salad, right? It's a rhetorical question a**hole. Shut up! And even though ranch has somehow been linked to black people almost exclusively and used on any number of items, it is in fact a salad dressing and could possibly be used to adorn lettuce and the s**t that joins it's leafs on your plate. Having demonstrated my knowledge of salad dressing and it's many uses I said, "uh, I guess not." So after eating a thoroughly confusing but well cooked meal, I was given dessert by TLO. Damn diary, are you that f***ing dense? No it's not a rhetorical question! That dessert was a fruit salad, with trail mix and whipped cream. It was delightful. I even used that word when describing it to her. It sounded incredibly fruity to me, but you are what you eat and by that time I had already eaten two bananas and an apple on the day. Needless to say there were dates in there. After I b***hed for a moment I ate one. Then very quickly ate them all. I told her that I was reconsidering my stance on dates. The world of trail mix is open to me once again. Thanks to TLO. She asked if I'd reconsider my stance on mandarin oranges. I said "f*** no," knocked over the glass that I had placed them in after picking them from my otherwise delightful fruit salad and walked away in a rage. You're lucky you weren't there diary. I'm convinced I'd have set you on fire. Good times. Good times...
PS. Mandarin oranges are stupid.
PSS. Mandarin oranges belong in China and next time I find one in my food I'm gonna dig a hole to China and send them the f*** back.
PSSS. I hate mandarin oranges more than I hate you diary.
PSSST. No I don't. I hate you more than anything in the world, you piece of s**t
PSSSS. I golfed yesterday and did a little bit of exercise thanks to TLO. I'm gonna have to do that again after looking at the scale. Almost down 12 lbs. No thanks to you. D**khead.
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