Dearest Muthf***in' Diary,
Can you please explain what the f*** I did that was so wrong that the scale wouldn't go down? Actually I can explain it. I almost had a breakdown last night. I drank some pepsi. The alcoholic would have told me that I'd have to give up my 60 day sodar card. He WOULD have told me had he answered the call I made to him in my time of need. He was nowhere to be found though I didn't try too hard. Maybe I need a sponsor to lean on when I get weak. It's usually the EBG, but I didn't ride last night cause I had some work to do. Then I started eating food all late. Just like I did when I wasn't trying to do better. I thought it was going down. Not sure why I stopped. Could have been the will power. Could have just been good sense. Might have been me washing the dishes. My hands were otherwise occupied. That could also be the reason I didn't slap the s**t out of you. Not that you did anything to deserve it. At least not this time. But f*** you anyway. You'll do something to earn it.
PS. Can you explain why the universal menu at black funerals is Albertson's fried chicken, green beans, potato salad and spaghetti?
PSS. At my funeral I want steaks. Also I should be buried with a 10 oz. Wagyu ribeye from CUT. Medium.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
May 6, Day 60, 245.4 lbs, 38% bf
Dear Diary,
I was in a store looking for something yesterday and I wandered into the big and tall section. Ok. Fine. I get it. Calm down buddy. I may be big, but I'm nobodies tall. TLO tells me all the time. I used to claim 5'11" until she kept insisting that I wasn't. I've now adjusted that to 5'10 3/4" in protest. But the point is they don't have a big OR tall section. You gotta be both. We've already established that I'm relatively tall. Huh? Ok. We have not. I'm taller than my relatives. Can we agree on that? Ok fine, my youngest brother is much taller than me. You know what though? I'm tall enough to beat his a** and I'll beat yours too. Ok. Fine. He'd beat the s**t out of me, but I'd still murder you. The point of all this is... Actually I don't recall my point because you were being so f***ing contrary for no good reason. Yes you were! Oh yeah, the point was I can't fit the s**t in big and tall anymore. Still can't fit the stuff in the Lilliputian area either. I need to buy some new clothes though, so I'll need to make more progress so I can fit the gear. I also have to be careful because these a**holes have made everything fit super f***ing tight. I hate skinny jeans and the a**holes that reside in them. Actually the a**holes of the a**holes that reside in them are rarely residents of the jeans. I got that before you could correct me on that you condescendingly smug bastard. But hey, I know that's how you'd prefer to wear your clothes but not me. I'm not stupid. Thats it. You know what. That's the last time you're gonna insult me and get away with it. Ok fine. I guess that isn't true. D**khead.
PS. Tell the scale I ate chicken and fish yesterday, and rode for 34 miles with the EBG. The next time I do right and he says I've gained weight I'm coming back with cleats and I'm gonna get all up in his mechanical a**.
PSS. This is not fine. Ok!?!?
Thursday, May 5, 2011
May 5, Day 59, 244.8 lbs, 38.5% bf
Dear Diary,
Today I officially made it more than 20 total lbs. lost. I'm not celebrating, bragging or boasting. I'm just saying. Every time I brag about something, it seems to swing back the other way, so I'm just gonna be real low key this time around. But Diary I have a question for you. If you ate frozen yogurt for lunch yesterday and it gave you mad gas, would you double down and eat a bean burrito after that? No. I didn't think so. You're not half the man I am. Both figuratively and literally. It was a tough afternoon trying not to fart all over the place. Sometimes I was successful. Lets just say that I tried to avoid situations where I could be pinpointed as the one that dropped the bomb. I ended up in a couple of crappy situations, literally, but I have to feel lucky that my s**t don't stink. HAHAHA. I could imagine TLO choking on her donut reading this. As a matter of fact, she rolled up last night with a box of krispy kremes in her car last night. I was about to get mad thinking the sabotage was in full effect. Alas, she left them in the car and I forgot about them until this very moment. Would you have broken into her car and stole one Diary? No? What the f*** would you do about anything? I would have done it in a heartbeat. Then I'd have blamed you. You're such a f***in b***h.
Today I officially made it more than 20 total lbs. lost. I'm not celebrating, bragging or boasting. I'm just saying. Every time I brag about something, it seems to swing back the other way, so I'm just gonna be real low key this time around. But Diary I have a question for you. If you ate frozen yogurt for lunch yesterday and it gave you mad gas, would you double down and eat a bean burrito after that? No. I didn't think so. You're not half the man I am. Both figuratively and literally. It was a tough afternoon trying not to fart all over the place. Sometimes I was successful. Lets just say that I tried to avoid situations where I could be pinpointed as the one that dropped the bomb. I ended up in a couple of crappy situations, literally, but I have to feel lucky that my s**t don't stink. HAHAHA. I could imagine TLO choking on her donut reading this. As a matter of fact, she rolled up last night with a box of krispy kremes in her car last night. I was about to get mad thinking the sabotage was in full effect. Alas, she left them in the car and I forgot about them until this very moment. Would you have broken into her car and stole one Diary? No? What the f*** would you do about anything? I would have done it in a heartbeat. Then I'd have blamed you. You're such a f***in b***h.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
May 4, Day 58, 246.2 lbs, 36.5% bf
Dear Diary,
I was feeling chubby last night. Looked in the mirror and saw the face and thought it didn't look too skinny. Kinda like what I feel when I look at your fat a**. Try mixing in some word salad with vinaigrette from time to time f***face. But back to my non skinny face. It's not a bad thing. I've forgotten how big the face was. Can't picture it. I'm now used to looking at this still chubby face and I'm not satisfied. Kinda like your parents had to be with you. I'm sure they had big dreams for you. Maybe to be a dictionary or even a porno mag, but a diary? They had to be so disappointed. But I'm not. Not complacent either. I'm still working to get where I want to be. Still working my plan. Even though the first 30 days are up I'm still doing my best to eat right. Exercise is the rule and not the exception. I ate right and avoided junk food yesterday. I rode another 20 miles on the bike with the EBG last night. I feel like I'm on the right track. And if I keep this up I'll have to buy a new belt soon. I only have one hole left on this one. I could probably reach the last one, but my pants are already bunching up at the top as it is. I'll just use that old belt to beat the s**t out of you. Kinda like my old stepfather used to do to me. A**hole. No Diary. Not you. Him. Actually, you too.
I was feeling chubby last night. Looked in the mirror and saw the face and thought it didn't look too skinny. Kinda like what I feel when I look at your fat a**. Try mixing in some word salad with vinaigrette from time to time f***face. But back to my non skinny face. It's not a bad thing. I've forgotten how big the face was. Can't picture it. I'm now used to looking at this still chubby face and I'm not satisfied. Kinda like your parents had to be with you. I'm sure they had big dreams for you. Maybe to be a dictionary or even a porno mag, but a diary? They had to be so disappointed. But I'm not. Not complacent either. I'm still working to get where I want to be. Still working my plan. Even though the first 30 days are up I'm still doing my best to eat right. Exercise is the rule and not the exception. I ate right and avoided junk food yesterday. I rode another 20 miles on the bike with the EBG last night. I feel like I'm on the right track. And if I keep this up I'll have to buy a new belt soon. I only have one hole left on this one. I could probably reach the last one, but my pants are already bunching up at the top as it is. I'll just use that old belt to beat the s**t out of you. Kinda like my old stepfather used to do to me. A**hole. No Diary. Not you. Him. Actually, you too.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
May 3, Day 57, 248 lbs
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I took to the road to visit some friends that experienced a recent loss. Had a good time talking s**t, being abused by their kids and watching the first half of the Lakers game. I never have a good time hanging out with you. So much guilt involved. Not from me! I'm talking about you a**hole. I have nothing to feel guilty about. Well maybe... Nope. Not even the two cupcakes I ate. I was there comforting loved ones. Don't you think comforters need comfort food? Wow. Didn't think you'd go for that. Thanks. The first was delicious and the taste of the sugar demanded that I take another. Sad to say that I obliged. But the sadness didn't last for long, because right before the Laker game came on I spotted an exercise bike in the corner and got to work. The EBG was rolling. Went 15 miles in a little more than an hour in my shirt and slacks in the middle of my buddies living room. If thats not dedication, I don't know what is. I felt like I was in the old game paperboy with all of the distractions coming at me. Screaming kids and everything. People coming in and wondering who is this a**hole in a suit, riding a bike. But I rode. Then I hopped in the car and rode off into the sunset. Actually it was already dark, but I needed a better ending. More dramatic. No, I didn't ask for your ideas on how to end it, you f***ing Drama Queen. Not everything is about you. Try thinking about others sometimes. You were? You were trying to help me? You can help me by shutting the f*** up. Anyways, f*** you diary. You could never be as good a friend as I. Believe me, if you could I'd have known by now. Oh are you f***ing serious? Well fine. Why don't you and the scale just go to the movies without me. See if I care. He's stupid anyway.
PS. My buddies wife asked why we didn't greet each other with a hug. I gave a long detailed explanation of the proper man hug, which demands that there is never a full embrace and that certain body parts shall not come into contact with each other, including cheeks and penises. The huggers should always be offset to avoid direct eye contact. It should also take no more than 5 seconds from the initial clasping of the hands, to the speedy push away from the pseudo embrace.
PSS. I also didn't hug him in his time of emotional need, because that would be gay. Not that theres anything wrong with that, but I wanted to give him a sense of normalcy. So I treated him like s**t as usual.
PSSS. Kinda like I treat you a** munch.
Yesterday I took to the road to visit some friends that experienced a recent loss. Had a good time talking s**t, being abused by their kids and watching the first half of the Lakers game. I never have a good time hanging out with you. So much guilt involved. Not from me! I'm talking about you a**hole. I have nothing to feel guilty about. Well maybe... Nope. Not even the two cupcakes I ate. I was there comforting loved ones. Don't you think comforters need comfort food? Wow. Didn't think you'd go for that. Thanks. The first was delicious and the taste of the sugar demanded that I take another. Sad to say that I obliged. But the sadness didn't last for long, because right before the Laker game came on I spotted an exercise bike in the corner and got to work. The EBG was rolling. Went 15 miles in a little more than an hour in my shirt and slacks in the middle of my buddies living room. If thats not dedication, I don't know what is. I felt like I was in the old game paperboy with all of the distractions coming at me. Screaming kids and everything. People coming in and wondering who is this a**hole in a suit, riding a bike. But I rode. Then I hopped in the car and rode off into the sunset. Actually it was already dark, but I needed a better ending. More dramatic. No, I didn't ask for your ideas on how to end it, you f***ing Drama Queen. Not everything is about you. Try thinking about others sometimes. You were? You were trying to help me? You can help me by shutting the f*** up. Anyways, f*** you diary. You could never be as good a friend as I. Believe me, if you could I'd have known by now. Oh are you f***ing serious? Well fine. Why don't you and the scale just go to the movies without me. See if I care. He's stupid anyway.
PS. My buddies wife asked why we didn't greet each other with a hug. I gave a long detailed explanation of the proper man hug, which demands that there is never a full embrace and that certain body parts shall not come into contact with each other, including cheeks and penises. The huggers should always be offset to avoid direct eye contact. It should also take no more than 5 seconds from the initial clasping of the hands, to the speedy push away from the pseudo embrace.
PSS. I also didn't hug him in his time of emotional need, because that would be gay. Not that theres anything wrong with that, but I wanted to give him a sense of normalcy. So I treated him like s**t as usual.
PSSS. Kinda like I treat you a** munch.
Monday, May 2, 2011
May 2, Day 56, 247.2 lbs, 31.5% bf
Dear Diary,
So I came all ready to apologize for the name calling and take responsibility for a wild weekend of food debauchery and rising weight totals. Not gonna happen. Not because that stuff didn't happen, because it did. TLO decided to grill a little something yesterday. I decided to eat a lot of something yesterday. A bunch of spaghetti. Some banana pudding. Shut the f*** up! It's fruit a**hole. F*** whatever you're thinking about it, the scale didn't think much of it, as it registered a slight drop in weight. It even said the body fat dropped to 31.5%, which is an obvious mistake. But I'll take it. I also took the night off from riding. Not purposely. I fell asleep. Now I know I can't continue to do that s**t and have the same outcome. So I'll be back on the grind shortly. Please do me a favor and get the f*** off my back. I have nothing to apologize for. B***h.
So I came all ready to apologize for the name calling and take responsibility for a wild weekend of food debauchery and rising weight totals. Not gonna happen. Not because that stuff didn't happen, because it did. TLO decided to grill a little something yesterday. I decided to eat a lot of something yesterday. A bunch of spaghetti. Some banana pudding. Shut the f*** up! It's fruit a**hole. F*** whatever you're thinking about it, the scale didn't think much of it, as it registered a slight drop in weight. It even said the body fat dropped to 31.5%, which is an obvious mistake. But I'll take it. I also took the night off from riding. Not purposely. I fell asleep. Now I know I can't continue to do that s**t and have the same outcome. So I'll be back on the grind shortly. Please do me a favor and get the f*** off my back. I have nothing to apologize for. B***h.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
May 1, Day 55, 247.4 lbs, 38% bf
Dear Diary,
You muthaf***as are tripping. I said go f*** yourselves. Not me. I know I said felt some pride, but damn. Pride comes before a fall, not an increase a**holes. I was cool yesterday. Didn't go crazy on the food. TLO said I was grazing. I called it exercising my metabolism. I even exercised some self restraint after tasting the best cheesecake ever. Didn't even get another piece. Then I exercised in the garage even though TLO had beat me there and turned on the Lifetime Channel. So many women scorned. Well the women aren't the only ones scorned this morning. You dips**ts have pissed me off. I'm pretty sure its not the last time either. You've got me cursing you out on a Sunday. This is your fault. Now I'm gonna pray and meditate about greater things. I suggest you figure out a way to make this right, cause unlike The Big Guy, I don't forget or forgive.
You muthaf***as are tripping. I said go f*** yourselves. Not me. I know I said felt some pride, but damn. Pride comes before a fall, not an increase a**holes. I was cool yesterday. Didn't go crazy on the food. TLO said I was grazing. I called it exercising my metabolism. I even exercised some self restraint after tasting the best cheesecake ever. Didn't even get another piece. Then I exercised in the garage even though TLO had beat me there and turned on the Lifetime Channel. So many women scorned. Well the women aren't the only ones scorned this morning. You dips**ts have pissed me off. I'm pretty sure its not the last time either. You've got me cursing you out on a Sunday. This is your fault. Now I'm gonna pray and meditate about greater things. I suggest you figure out a way to make this right, cause unlike The Big Guy, I don't forget or forgive.
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