Dizzie Gillespie

I just thought about the fact that I have limited amounts of energy for the day. What if I am using up an inordinate amount doing my stupid ass dances when I wake up?!? Hahaha. Also I've decided they are worth it and I have to discover some other way to create energy. Either way if I have to live with the disease, it has to live with me dancing. Poorly.

Still Got It

I wake up some mornings, stretch and say to myself "I still got it!" And that sucks because it's a disease :)

So...

My latest MRI shows that I'm getting worse and I can already hear so many people saying thats not possible, you were already the worst. To them I say touché and you know thats not what I meant. But yeah that was funny.

Not Again

I remember when I bought my first car. With the help of my mom of course. It came after a time of great tragedy in my life. My best friend was just killed. I was supposed to be with him, but the phone was disconnected and he didn't call me back. This was before the time of caller ID and even star 69 I think. Phone calls used to just end and you'd move on with life. Except his life didn't move on. Hours later he was killed in a drive by shooting standing in front of the home of the girls we were supposed to be hanging out with that night. A thought that I always add in here is that he was my best friend but I was not his. I wasn't cool enough to be. Ha. I looked up to him for as long as I could recall. We lived across the street from each other and when my mom told me that I was going to get to go to the same private junior high with him I was loving life. He was my hero. Anywho... I bought my first car days after he was taken from us. I was mourning and excited. So much so that when I got the car I didn't realized that it did not have an air conditioner nor did it have a radio. It took a couple of days for it to sink in. Once it did I became intimately familiar with the sounds of my car as I sweated on the freeway on the long road to work. If something was wrong believe me, I'd hear it before it went super sideways. It didn't matter that I was not a mechanic. Even if I could hear it though, didn't mean I could fix it. Which brings me to today. Life on leave from work has gotten more quiet. I am listening to and feeling my body. Most of my problems as of late have been on my right side. Even if they are potentially getting better, and I am convinced they are, they hurt more. And yesterday in the quiet, I began to notice a pain that I have recently become familiar with in my left arm. So... fuck.

Water

MS hurts. I pray for those that are in more pain than I am. Relief seems far away even when you are getting slightly better everyday. This thing is random as hell though. As my hand is getting something back in the area of motion and feeling I have the sensation of the hand being wet when it’s completely dry. Strange AF.

Tears

So I didn’t cry at all yesterday. That’s a far cry (pun allowed, but not necessarily intended) from the day before when I was reduced to tears at Walmart because I could not find a spinal tap shirt that I wanted to wear when I go to take a spinal tap next week. I had also just left physical therapy so I was not as strong as I would’ve liked to have been. I parked and hopped on a rascal, scooting by so many older people that were getting along just fine. I was embarrassed. I was disappointed. Not in me, but in my body for failing me. But such is life. It’s a new world for me full of things that I gave little thought to because I could do them without thinking. Now I need to plan. I need to think. Hell. I like those things. I just get to do more so there’s no complaint or at least there shouldn’t be. I’ll save my complaints for the pain. There’s lots of that. Anywho...

Valleys

So I am in a valley. Its important to recognize that. Thats because I need to be clear that this is not the mountaintop. No matter how low I get i recognize that God can reach me in these low points and lift me up. Man. There will be struggles. I've always liked challenges but damn. actually a challenge thjat i'm dealong with right now is tryping since my right hand is in dire straights, so i'm not gong to clean up typos this morning. What I will clean up is the crap i've ingested. I'll talk about whats wrong with me not for sympathy, but for a reminder for how far i have come and what i'd llike to avoid with a relapse. Thhis is going to be motiviation and i need all i can get. Especially in te mornings. /i have recognzed that as the time when i like to cry. A lot. For happiness and anger and success and pain. anywho typing is pain right now so i'm gonna cut thos short. dictation is not a bad option as i learn to hack this condition. can't let it hack me.

New Journey

 So it looks like I may have MS. Going to start keeping track of how I feel. Maybe. Waking up this morning I hurt. Leg is still a bit weak.  Right arm just aches. I have the same tightness around my wrist and forearm right that I previously felt around my stomach. They called that the MS hug. That’s one hug I could have done without. Since I saw the neurologist she put me on prednisone which I’ll be taking for about three weeks and gabapentin. That means I can’t take the Advil I was taking for pain and inflammation nor can I take the lyrica that I was taking for my nerve pain. Truth is the lyrica helped my arm but not my hand. Now that I’m not taking it the arm hurts again but I think it’ll be temporary as the doctor to me it doesn’t work as fast as the lyrica. I’m hoping that the new combo gets to working quickly and takes me out of pain. I feel like I’m going backward to move forward. Also hoping that this changes when the diagnosis is official. 

Need more MRIs and a spinal tap. After that it’ll likely be me and the MS for life even though I signed up for life with the Mrs. I chose 20 years before. 

November 24, 2015, 262 lbs

Hello, it's me

I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet

To go over everything

They say a diets supposed to help ya lose, but I ain't done much losing

Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about what I used to eat

When I was young and skinny

I've forgotten how it felt without a scale 'neath my feet

There's such a difference between us

And a million pounds

Hello from the fatter side

I must've ate  a thousand pies

I'd  tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've ate

But when I visit you lie and say I look great

Hello from the fatside

At least I can say that I've tried

To tell you I'm sorry for eating all of your crumbs

But it don't matter, it doesn't tear you apart

And I numb

Hello, how are you?

It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry

But it is, my diary

Did you ever make it out of that town where all the food was fatty?

It's no secret that the both of us

Are gaining pounds

So hello from the fatter side

I must've chewed a billion fries

I'd tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've consumed

But when I call you'd never admit that I'm doomed

Hello from the fatside

At least I can say that I've cried

Because  I was sorry for eating all of that s**t

But it don't matter, because I did that s**t

Again, foooood

And again, foooood

And again, foooood

And again, and again 

Hello from the fatter side

I want some sweet potato pies

But not no patti pies, because they don't taste good

But they way that dudes sanging you'd really think that they would

Hello from the fatside

At least I can say that I've tried

I'd tell you I'm sorry, but I don't think I am

Cause it don't matter, and I don't give a damn

Anymore

November 16, 2015, 262.5 lbs

Dear Diary, 

Did my first race since May this weekend and boy did it suck like a Hoover. It had lots of big a** hills. At one point as I was trying to make it up the biggest one a cop looked at me and said "it's only a little hill." Huh? Yup that's exactly what I thought! ...but, I'm a big a** man... Hell no I didn't say it. I was tired. Not enough oxygen was getting to the brain and I might have said something to get me arrested. Huh? Yeah that might have at least got me a ride off of that hill and straight to jail. You have a point. Now take that point and shove it up your a** you dumb f**k. 

November 13, 2015, 262.7 lbs

Dear Diary,

It's Friday the 13th and the bad luck has already started. I hit the scale and see an increase. And that's after f**king around and walking 6 miles yesterday during work. Huh? Nope. Don't need your congratulations. It wasn't the most grueling workout but I put some miles on the books on a morning that I had to leave so early that I couldn't get in a regular workout. I was happy with it and I was going to refuse the donuts that my boss was bringing out. That was until I got back and saw the box featuring the maple bar. It's pretty easy having will power when that thing tempting you isn't in your face. Huh? F**k you. I'll punch you in your face. Man, I really have to work on my temper. Haha, yes, good one. On my weight as well. You're such an a**hole. I wonder if kicking your a** would burn any calories...

November 11, 2015, 262.2 lbs

Dear Diary,

I suck. I've basically gained all the weight back. I don't call it my weight because I don't want to own it. Huh? Well kinda. I'm taking responsibility for it, even though you and I both know it's your fault. You haven't been there for me. But donuts have. They've comforted me even when I haven't wanted them to. And when they could be there they cared enough to make sure that cakes and cookies were there in their stead. I know. I know. I should have run out of excuses by now, but I haven't. The excuses are still here but the running isn't. I tried going for a couple of miles this morning and couldn't get through it like I used to. Huh? Important thing is that I tried?!? What kind of fake inspirational s**t is that? You know what I don't suck. You suck! Actually...Yeah you're right. It is an important first step that I tried I made an effort. You know they say the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. And while I don't plan on eating an elephant anytime soon, those donuts are looking pretty damned tast... Oh f**k. I gotta break this sugar addiction. 

September 25, 2014, 239.9 lbs

Dear Diary,
I...uh yeah, what the f*** do you want? Yes. I am still fat. Yes. I still high high cholesterol. No it does not go away after a single day. Yes I ate better yesterday. Yes I ran yesterday. 3 miles and another 1.6 this morning. Is that it? Great. Now, where was I. Oh yeah, I... I... I forgot. F***.

September 24, 2014, 240.5 lbs

Dear Diary,
I have high cholesterol. F*** you very much. Huh? Well, no. You're really not at fault here. It could be my parents. It could be the tacos. One thing we know for sure is that its definitely not me. Uh, no. The doctor didn't say that. OK. FINE. I'll take the blame on this one. A**. I'd like to think that this is not as bad as it could be had I not started losing weight a while back. And though I've regained some I'm still better than what I was. With all that said, I need to get back on the grind. Time to step up the exercise and to eat much better. I'm just glad I went into Popeye's Chicken Last night before I got this news. Bye bye fried foods and that other s**t thats trying to kill me. Huh? Yeah I know you'd like to kill me to a**hole. Get in line.

July 15, 2014, 241.6 lbs

Dear Diary,
I've gained weight. I'm sure you'll try to find a way to say that this isn't your fault but it damned sure can't be mine. I spent a week in NYC eating all manner of s**t. Cheesecake, had a steak (actually a steak and a half- the first one they brought me was over cooked. The second was perfection), soul food and a hot dog every time I hit a corner. During that time I gained maybe a pound. I came back home and weighed in at 238 and some change. After little to no weight gain after eating that s**t all over New York, I come home to gain 3 f***ing pounds? In my defense, which technically I should need no defending as this is clearly your fault, I was tired Sunday and Monday I was stuck in an all day meeting with food -- constant food being served all day. It was almost like I was in New York again. Only difference was that I didn't have to walk miles and miles between locat...Huh? I guess all the walking did make a difference, but me not walking yesterday was not my fault. I actually ran a mile in the morning. I would have run more but I didn't have the time. Actually I could run this morning but I'm talking to you. Uh, yeah thats right. I am gonna go, but not before you admit this is all your f***ing fault. Come on. Take some personal responsibility for my life. A**hole.

June 30, 2014, 237.4 lbs

Dear Diary,
Remember how we got started? I decided to challenge myself to eat better. I cut out red meat and some other crap for a month. I wasn't even exercising and I had a wonderful outcome. I lost weight quickly and you came about. Well, one out of two isn't bad. I've been stuck with the weight I didn't lose and your punk a** ever since. I've tried to forget about you many times since b***h. Since things went so swimmingly the first time out I tried to do it again in June. Get rid of weight, and you - twas a noble cause. No red meat for the month and to make it even tougher, I had Meatless Monday's. It was tough the first day, but I got by. Hell, I even started to like Meatless Monday's so well that I expanded it to extra meals when I could. Could I be a vegetarian? Hahaha. Forget about it! Needless to say, it didn't workout as well weight wise; even though I worked out. I put some miles on the books this month before I had to shut it down because of a chronic hamstring injury. Huh? No my leg wasn't smoking again. And what are you talking about again a**? Oh yeah, the time when someone set my leg hair on fire in gym class. How the f*** do you remember tha..? F*** you and f*** him for that. The only good thing about that is that I weighed less. Unfortunately, what I weighed wouldn't have allowed me to give him the a** kicking that he deserved. I can't stand bullies. Now stop talking about that s**t, before I take your lunch money and stuff you back into the locker. Uh...I guess it could be a meat locker...I wasn't using it anyway...um...I know I began this by asking if you remember how we got started, but now I have another question for you. Remember how I was gonna end this? You and your f***ing interruptions... Forget about it.

June 6, 2014, 238.5lbs

Dear Scale,

F**k you. 

PS. I know the weight went down, but it had nothing to do with you. All I ask is that you be honest and consistent. That way I know I can believe what you say and you can remain in my circle of trust. Huh? I am honest and consistent with you. You know that I honestly hate you and I consistently treat you like s**t. I step on you daily like the scum of the earth you are. You need to be honest. Tell me my correct weight. That s**t doesn't change by the second. I usually step on once and take that as the truth. Today I stepped on again and you went up. I thought to myself, "this is some bulls**t, let me try again." Time after time you slowly crept up like you were just trying to piss me off. Well you did...Aww hell naw. You can't be mad at me for being honest about you having no ability to do your only function in life correctly. With all due respect, and if I'm being honest not much is due, f**king die. I'll just get you new batteries and insult you again. B***h. 

June 5, 2014, 238.8lbs

Dear Diary,
Its been three full days with no beef and limited chicken. Huh? No ass. I don't want beef with you and I'm no chicken. Its not like this is easy. I am a f***ing carnivore. I eat meat with lunch and dinner and sometimes for dessert. This s**t is real. Know what else is real? My disdain for you. Its almost as strong as my desire to reunite with a real sandwich. But just like I can deal with that seething contempt that I have for you I can deal with a f***ing veggie burrito. As long as I'm getting positive results I'm pretty sure I can make it stick. A few days in and the scale has turned in the right direction. Its not like that b***h had any choice. I've ran 6 miles since Tuesday and been eating this rabbit food. I dare a muthaf***a to tell me I'm not skinny. Huh? Yeah I asked for that. Fine. Not yet.

June 3, 2014, 242.7 lbs

Dear Diary,
Ever since I came back from Chicago, I've been having some problems with the scale. To be specific, its showing numbers that I don't like. Huh? Yeah a**, just like my bank account numbers. I am working on getting to two commas and I'm still pretty far away. Just like I'm pretty far away from my weight goal. Can't say that I even know what it is anymore. I just know it ain't this, so I decided to do something different. Kinda like what got me talking to your punk a** in the first place. I'm taking it back to basics. Ha ha hell naw. I'm not going Paleo. That s**t is basically dumb. Cavemen were fat and are dead. I'll be too if I keep stuffing myself full of delicious ribs and steaks and such. I'm gonna cut out red meat for a while again. And bread. And be a part time vegetarian. Did it yesterday. No meat. Had a veggie burrito from chipotle that had me feeling like a f**king hippie. Then you know what happened? I gained weight. I know what you're thinking and you're right. This is such bulls**t. Oh. You were gonna say that it took more than a day of eating that way to become fat, it'll take more than a day to lose the weight? Thats a great point. I need to do something different AND be patient enough to see results. But, and this is a big but... F**k you Captain Caveman.

PS. Keep the big but joke to yourself

March 26, 2014, 237.2 lbs

Dear Diary,
Today I woke up with one thing on my mind. Huh? Ok you're right. Today I woke up with two things on my mind. I accomplished one of them already. I got my wake up call badge. I did some investigating and found out that I fell short of getting it yesterday by 3 f***ing points. Huh? That is no place for a thats what she said joke. Its not like TLO makes me aware of a scoring system that gets me hooked up. Not like that stanking fuel band app. Its not perfect but it helps track your workouts. Yesterday I came prematurely; to the end of my workout that is. I wasn't gonna let that happen again. I had a plan. Today when it was time to rise, I took my little blue pill...for my thyroid. That gives me the energy I need to keep it up; the running that is. Went another 3 miles this morning. I just kept pounding and pounding and pounding until I came...to 7 am. Thats when the time to earn the badge was over; I had climaxed. I reached my peak. No! I didn't roll over and go back to sleep. What the hell do you think I'm talking about? No a**hole, just no. Huh? That's not what she said! But she didn't say yes either.