April 3, Day 27, 253.4 lbs

Dear Diary,
Yesterday I got my house work on. I was on the roof. I was in the attic. I was in the laundry room. I was climbing, sweating and fixing stuff. And that was just early. I was planning on hitting the garage to do a little traditional work out on the treadmill and the bike while putting down a new episode of Archer, but TLO called me into action. No, unfortunately not like that, but I like the way you're thinking for once Diary. Nonetheless I got lucky anyway. TLO and the first born were working on a school project and were on the town looking for supplies. I was asked to help them find some so I hit the 99 cent store. Just doing my fatherly duties is usually sometimes always a reward. But I was rewarded beyond my wildest dreams when I came upon a HUGE supply of completely acceptable trail mix. It was great. So much variety. I was like a kid in a candy store. In fact it was on the candy aisle and I paid that other crap no attention. After wondering if I really wanted to try trail mix from the 99 cent store for a few minutes I settled on three bags. Don't give me that look you a**hole. They were 99 cent each, you cheap son of a b***h. I don't think  that was splurging. Even the crappy bags I find cost like 4 bucks each. I know dates and dried cranberries are good, but they are f***ing crazy. Then I'm walking out of the store and give in to the guy that is out in front asking for change for some cause. I had gotten all the way to the car and walked back when he said they'd be happy with even a penny. He got me there, so I gave him 90 reasons to be happy. I value my coins so that took a lot for me to do. So the philanthropist that I am hops in the car and as I'm cracking open my new found bag of glorious trail mix for a quick taste, Barry White's 'Put Me in Your Mix' comes on the radio. No bulls**t. This was fate. It was destiny. If fate was ever put in place for a moment, it was this. If destiny had a child, she would probably date this kid.

Get it? Destiny's Child? Beyonce? He looks like Jay-Z. You know what f*** it. You're stupid. Why do I even try with you?

Now I'm off to have a productive morning. Peace. Well, actually Pieces. Which you may find yourself in if you stay on my wrong side. Get your mind right Diary, and there may be a bookshelf in your future and you can stop sleeping on that bed of needles. Your back cover will be fine soon. Just think of it as acupuncture. B***h!!!!!!!!!
PS. Some stupid person I used to work with many years ago thought that places like Big Lots and the 99 cent stores got all of their supplies from train wrecks. She was dumb as f***. Just think of all of the train wrecks that had to take place for them to keep their stores running. But just for a moment yesterday I was thinking that all of that trail mix had to fall off of the back of a derailed train. Only for a moment though. Its funny how stupid people find a way to work themselves into your deepest thoughts.
PSS. Some other stupid person played an April Fools joke on me a day late. Not so funny at first, but when reflecting, its clear to see that he set me up perfectly. Good job. Now if that a**hole could figure out how to read a calendar.