December 27, Day 295, 234 lbs, 34% bf

Dear Diary,
I stepped on the scale this morning and immediately thought 'why am I doing this?' The answer would be because of habit. Because I crave information as much as I crave cakes. But the thing is, I know I haven't done anything to bring the scales down in the last week or so. Plus now that I'm aware that my body is working against me, I'm almost feeling like its a losing battle. I'll get over the feeling, the cold, and general malaise that is in the atmosphere. I just can't tell when. I hope sooner than later, because I'd like to get this party started again. Huh? No. There will be no cake at the party.

December 26, Day 294, 234.4 lbs, 39% bf

Dear Diary,
Merry Christmas! Huh? Yeah I know that I'm a day late. I'm also a dollar short. Oh? You're not concerned? Well you should have been, cause that was gonna be my gift to you. Its not like you even deserve that. Hell I don't deserve much of what I got. And I'm speaking specifically about the weight I "received" over the last few days. Really over the last few months, but I did get some confirmation that its still not my fault. Kinda. I took a blood test for my thyroid crap and come to find out that about two weeks after my thyroid was removed something changed dramatically. The numbers are kind of confusing, but my meds were changed and has started to correct my hypothyroid condition somewhat. I am still far from where I was before the surgery though. I'm hoping that my doctor will again step my dosage up which may help me step it up again. But what I really need to do is step away from the table. But truth be told, I'm pretty sure my increased hunger is all tied up in this hormone bulls**t too. I just have to take things step by step and hope to get back to the momentum I've seemed to have left behind. With all these damn steps, it seems like I could use a 12 step program. Huh? Hell naw I'm not gonna be doing a damn step class. On top of that s**t being for the birds, it costs money. By the way let me borrow a dollar...

December 24, Day 292, 230.4 lbs, 38.5% bf

Dear Diary,
Went to sleep late last night and woke up early this morning. Actually its more like I went to sleep early this morning and woke up later this morning. I decided it was time to go out for a jog. And just like so many times this week I got caught up in something. Most of this week its been a cold holding me down. This morning it was just me. I lingered until the baby woke up and then it was too late to go. And believe me I needed it. Huh? Don't you f***in tell me that you know. A**hole. I started in on the sweet potato pies last night. Nope. I didn't eat a whole one. Huh? No. I'm not mad at that. Its the first valid question you've ever asked. I am likely to eat a whole one of those in minutes. So what can I say? I did spend this week nibbling on junk and not exercising, so I'm happy that my number is where it is. when I can knock out this cold and get past this junk food I'll get back on track. Until then, many happy returns...to the dessert table.

December 17, Day 285, 232.8 lbs, 37.5% bf

Dear Diary,

I'm not blind to the fact that I f*** up quite often. I mess up the progress of weeks in minutes. Hell even Stevie Wonder could see that my weight is Creepin.' Wrote a song about it. Wanna hear it? Here it go...

Hit play, then sing along...

I can hear you sighin'
Yes I ate that whole pie and?
Why must it be
That I always eat...
S**t I don't need

At a lunch we're sittin'
Laughin', talkin' s**t and
Why must it be
That I always eat...
S**t I don't need
I don't need

When I go out to eat babaa
I feel those moments of ecstasy
Candies, cakes and treats babaa...
I wonder if I'm eating
in your dreams
Or could it be I eat all night
 in my fantasy

Oh, steak is so amazing
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah...
Wanna taste your filet
Don't let it be
That I always eat...
Find more similar lyrics on http://mlyrics.com/hXdS**t I don't need
I don't need

When I'm sleep at night babaa
I dream of all the bulls**t that I ate
When you sleep at night babaa...
I wonder if I'm creeping
up in weight
It has to be that I

put too much on my dinner plate

Oh, weight is creeping' slowly
Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah...
Looks like a roly poly'
I can't let this be
That I alway eat...
S**t I don't need
I don't need

I don't need

I don't need

I don't need

I don't need

I don't need

I don't need

I don't need

December 16, Day 284, 231 lbs, 34.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I wonder if it was a Fuji apple in that whole Garden of Eden fiasco. I might have made the same mistake. Those muthaf***in apples are good. I'm just saying. Huh? Well yeah, I'd have preferred to walk around naked all day. Hell, I still would, but that might be awkward in work meetings, plus I'm in no condition to do so. Huh? Yeah I understand that if I ate more apples than cookies and cakes things might be different. And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. Huh? Don't tell me that. For heaven's sake, you're such an a**.

December 14, Day 282, 230.8 lbs, 35.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I'm feeling kind of good. I ate ok yesterday. Got in a decent little workout that still has my stomach tight. Huh? Ok. As tight as a relatively bulbous belly can be. A** hole. I'm cautiously optimistic that things are progressing. Usually I get too boastful and a piece of red velvet walks into my life. But things are looking up the last few days. Or should I say down. Hopefully I can keep it up. I mean down. Huh? That is not what she said. No taking shots at my manhood! You should know that I'm down to f*** you up.

December 13, Day 281, 232.4 lbs, 34% bf

Dear Diary,
I wish I could take credit for an amazing 3 lb. loss day by saying that I worked my literal a** off and ate a perfect meal every few hours. But I didn't. Can't explain it. Just hope it happens again today.

December 12, Day 280, 235.8 lbs, 31.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I'm getting worried. Well kinda. This really isn't the way I saw things going. I mean, this has happened before. I jumped in weight around August, but that was coupled with vacations. This was just coupled with some bulls**t. This was the weakend from red velvet hell. It happened again. This time it came in cupcake form. And to be clear I said no before I said yes. So yeah, I did it. I think the bigger damage is what I didn't do. Workouts have been pretty weak, if they even happen. I've got to say I'm pretty disappointed in myself. Huh? F*** you. They say it's always darkest before the dawn. Hell, it's a new day already. Huh? Yes. I know it gets dark by 5 pm. I'm sure I'm wrong, but aren't you supposed to be helping me?

December 11, Day 279, 235.0 lbs, 29.5% bf

Dear Diary,
Yup. That's the weight. Can't say I'm too happy about it. I felt it coming but I didn't really think I'd get back there. Well not before this weekend hit. I've been out past midnight the last two nights and people keep sending me home with Red Velvet cake. Huh? Yeah I tried to turn it down. Both times, but damn. It actually came in use last night. I had an hour drive and needed the sugar boost. What I really need now is the metabolism boost. I haven't gotten a real workout in for days. Today is Sunday and I hope to be all over some football. I'm just gonna to have to make sure I don't go all sedentary and s**t. Huh? That's now how I meant it. Huh? True. But I'm not saying they are mutually exclusive. A**hole.

December 8, Day 276, 231.6 lbs, 35% bf

Dear Diary,
Ok. I do really have it all figured out. It's just a question of execution. I executed the diet part pretty well for most of the day. The breakdown came at the end of the day when I decided I needed to execute the baby. I mean he cried for an hour straight. To shut him up I plied him with PBJs. I joined in with him too. Not the best idea. Stressed eating is not cool. But then again neither was the kid. Had he not wasted so much of my time I'd have likely been able to workout. I've missed 2 days now. First because I couldn't stay awake and second because the little ex cute, that needed to be executed couldn't go to sleep. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Now I just need to stick to my workout plan.

December 7, Day 275, 229.4 lbs, 35% bf

Dear Diary,
I'm not sure what came over me yesterday, but all I could do was sleep once I made it home from work. I was knocked out in my chair at about 7:45. I woke up to give the boys a bath and then hopped right in the bed. Its not like I went into a food coma or anything. I had some salmon and rice for dinner. Now there were a couple of fries on my plate and a small piece of cake to top it off, but that doesn't usually bring the itis. Huh? You don't know what the itis is? Here is the definition from the Urban Dictionary, so it has to be true.

2.	itis	971 up, 782 down
	a naturally occuring drowsy feeling that is created when a person, normally of the African-American race (although it may affect peoples of all creeds), eats a large amount of fried, salty, or fatty foods...this feeling usually causes one to sip some purple drank and take a nap i dun ate all the KFC, the itis got me....wake me up when Cosby's on

Needless to say, I got no kinda workout in. Heres to hoping it doesn't strike again.

December 6, Day 274, 229.0 lbs, 35% bf

Dear Diary,
Just when I thought I had it all figured out. S**t changes so fast. The reality is that this was no setback. I didn't eat junk yesterday. I didn't eat too much. I exercised and did what I needed to do to burn calories and keep hope alive. Huh? I don't think he has that copyrighted. F*** it, even if he does, he'll never read this s**t so we're cool. Or at least I'm cool. You're really awkward...kinda like that silence. Well anyway, I just drank too much, too late. After riding for about 75 minutes I got up and decided to make my breakfast for the rest of the week. Huh? Simple really. I drop a couple egg whites in a bowl with some pepper, parsley and turkey bacon, then I nuke it for minute or so. Its like a little omelette. Drop it on a piece of toast with some spinach between and its good to go. While putting all of that together I put down a protein shake. It was around midnight. And don't you start with that gremlins s**t again! I knew this would happen, but I did it anyway. I figured the benefits would be greater than the short term weight gain it would bring. What can I say? I was thirsty my friend. Huh? No. We're not friends. And there are definitely no benefits. Well actually. I will f*** you...up.

December 5, Day 273, 228.2 lbs, 37% bf

Dear Diary,
Happy Monday! I feel like I have things all figured out and that's a pretty damn good feeling. Especially for a Monday. Huh? Well, I'm back under 230 and while I can't say that I'll never have another setback I don't think it'll happen today. Huh? Yeah, I did have cake yesterday. Just because I regressed yesterday doesn't mean it'll happen today. Yes it was multiple pieces, but I survived it. And football too. Usually that could be a deadly combination, but I did push ups and sit ups instead of sitting on my a** all day. Then I hit the bike and watched Dexter. That coupled with the morning bike ride and some decent eating set me up for the loss. Huh? Yes, there is more cake at home and more football to watch tonight. Are you trying to f*** up my Monday morning high? I can't figure you out. Speaking of that I can't figure out this body fat s**t either. I don't feel so good anymore. F***. I hate you. Stop smiling a**hole!

December 4, Day 272, 229.4 lbs, 36% bf

Dear Diary,
Uh, I lost weight. Little Saturday morning bike ride. An early night of sleep. I think thats as good as it gets. Especially when the number comes down the way it did.

December 3, Day 271, 233.6 lbs, 34% bf

Dear Diary,
I got to hang out with one of my boys last night. Huh? Oh. I made it home by 8:30, when most people are getting ready, to get ready to go out. F*** you for trying to make me feel old. Huh? Yes, old people stay out later than that. I did see the really grown and sexy part of the restaurant was popping as I was on the way out of the door. OK, fine. Now shut the f*** up. We met for happy hour and chopped up some old times. For me it took me way back in the day. Right back to old eating habits. I had sliders, fries and nachos. A couple of beers to wash them down too. Then we discussed how disgusting beer is over Irish Car Bombs. Answer me this. Is it less ghetto to drink a 40 oz. if they put it in two large mugs? Thats what I thought. And no, I don't give a f*** about being ghetto. Huh? Yeah I did drink them with my pinky extended. Why do you ask?

December 2, Day 270, 231.8 lbs, 31.5%bf

Dear Diary,
This comes as a surprise. I guess it wasn't supposed to be. On the calorie intake side I must have screwed up. F***ing Panda Express. I chose the lowest calorie items I saw. I think the real problem was that I drank my calories. A green tea at lunch and some lemonade at my motherf***er in laws house. Oh yeah. A donut too. With all that said I think that was a bit much to gain. I figured after 30 miles on the bike I'd be due for a decrease or at least I'd stay even, but no. I know its not true, but sometimes it seems like I have no control over my weight. Like whatever will be, will be. I don't care. I'm gonna keep it pushing through this bulls**t. Que sera, f*** ya!

December 1, Day 269, 230.2 lbs, 35% bf

Dear Diary,
Let me start out by saying that baby steps are cute. Huh? You agree? That's great, but I didn't ask you. Plus they're only cute when an actual baby is taking them. I don't find that s**t cute when it comes to making progress on the weight loss front. But hey, I'm making progress. Huh? No, well ok yeah. Kinda like a baby. F*** I hate you and this baby talk. Now stop interrupting. I didn't get the workout in that I wanted last night but I got in some push ups and planks after I got home late. Huh? No a**hole not that kinda planking, but to tell the truth I was laid out on the floor sleep. No it wasn't in the fetal position! You keep this baby s**t up and I'm gonna take baby steps all over your neck then stick my well knitted baby blue bootie up your a**! Now goo-goo, ga-get the f*** out of my face!

November 30, Day 268, 231 lbs, 34.0% bf

Dear Diary,
So today I had the recently forgotten feeling of anticipation when I hit the scale. Its not like I haven't been weighing in lately, but it was usually with a feeling of dread. I knew I wasn't doing much to get me where I wanted to be, but I had to check anyway. When I got on this morning I had expectations. And why the f*** shouldn't I have had them? I rode the bike 30 miles last night in two hours while watching Dexter and the boys from SAMCRO. I ate decent yesterday. Avoided cake that was calling my name. Huh? You've never heard of a talking cake? Well, who the f*** has heard of a talking diary? Hello!! Why aren't you saying anything a**hole? Oh s**t...

November 29, Day 267, 232.0 lbs, 30% bf

Dear Diary,
Yeah I know. I said nothing for two weeks and then I'm back twice in 8 hours. I need to get back on my grind. That's gonna require discipline. And a schedule. Sooo... Here I am. Huh? Nope. Nothing new has happened. Well I did a few push ups and there was another weigh in. Lost a couple ounces. Can't complain about that. S**t. You should have seen that carrot cake. I'm surprised I escaped with my life. Since I did, I'm gonna take that life and work the s**t out of it. Huh? You're an a**hole. Work out your own s**t.

November 28, Day 266, 232.2 lbs, 31% bf

Dear Diary,
What's up b***h? Huh? Oh. Its me. Mike. Don't try to get all brand new on me. You know who the f*** I am. Uh, yeah. I've been gone for a minute. Two weeks to be exact. Yeah, I could have called but I was busy.  I wish I could say that I did something worthwhile with my time, but I don't think its true. Mostly its been a blur of Call of Duty, Turkey, Sweet Potato pie and the random workout. I used to look forward to the workout to close out the day. I still look forward to it, but I don't make sure that I get it in. Its no longer the priority that it was. Kinda like your punk a**. I figured that I could do this without you since I had run into a wall. I was gonna come back and tell you of all of the wonderful things I did without you and how I didn't need your help to meet my goals. The truth is I didn't do much and I do need your help. As worthless as it is. Sometimes bouncing s**t off of you is a good thing. I'll get an epiphany like House every once in a while and get something I need to solve my problem and keep it pushing. Its not your fault that I stopped pushing when I hit the wall.  Its not your fault the wall is there. F***, its not even your fault that I can't find my way around it. Its also not your fault that I decided to eat cake and sit on my fat a** while I was waiting for the wall to disappear.. Huh? Ok fine lots of cake. I figure today was emblematic of my recent dilemmas. I had fruit and coffee for breakfast. No big deal there. But for lunch I had a big f***in hunk of carrot cake after eating a salad and some salmon. And before you get started, there were lots of carrots in there. I'd honestly say that I got a days worth of vegetables in there, but it was still a stupid thing to do. So I'm just not gonna do it tomorrow. But I'm not gonna lie. It'll be hard. Its the small f*** ups on an otherwise spotless day that seem to kill me. It probably wouldn't matter if I got my lazy a** on the bike, but I haven't. At least not as regularly as I had before. I feel like that fat guy inside of me is screwing me. Huh? Why would I have to say 'no homo' after that? I don't get it. Just let me finish. Damn. TLO is starting to get in little jabs about my inactivity and sweet tooth. Can't have that s**t, but the temptation to eat s**tty and do nothing to remedy it are really strong. I wish my desire to get past this bulls**t was that much stronger.
PS. It is.
PSS. All that s**t earlier was your fault. I f***ing hate you.

November 14, Day 252, 230.0 lbs, 34% bf

Dear Diary,
So my newly realized blessings arrived yesterday, but they didn't bring much in the area of will power. I finished off my donuts yesterday with the help of the little people. The better part was what I chose to eat for the rest of the day. I went to pick up some grilled chicken and sides from Albertsons. Got a early afternoon dinner in and then coasted through the rest of the day playing with the kids and washing clothes. No exercise still. Gotta fix that. I'm pretty sure I can't do it without exercise and I know that I can't get though this struggle alone. Huh? F*** naw!!! You don't count. I'm not going to pray to you; however, I will prey on you. Now shut the f*** up.

November 13, Day 251, 231.4 lbs, 32% bf

Dear Diary,
I was gonna give up on my goals. I had no fight left in me. I engaged in what I knew were self destructive behaviors yesterday. I did not exercise. I ate donuts and pizza and drank soda and played video games and watched TV while sitting on my a**. I was expecting to weigh in at 235 this morning. Thank goodness I didn't. There was virtually no increase from the Saturday morning weigh in. Then I got blessed at church. I realized that I've worked too hard and come too far to give up now. I expect to be successful. I've got some fight left in me. Consequently, I've got some pizza and donuts left in my kitchen.

November 11, Day 249, 230.2 lbs, 27% bf

Dear Diary,
Had company at the house last night watching the game. Made no effort to exercise. Just cleaned up after the kiddos and stayed away from the bag of M&Ms that infiltrated my office the previous night. Lost weight. I need more nights like that in my future. Just the weight loss part. I have grown to enjoy exercise. Still not grown accustomed to your b***h a** though.

November 10, Day 248, 231.8 lbs, 28.5% bf

Dear Diary,
Uh. Yeah. F***. Didn't see that coming. I feel bloated and any sign of a coming 6 pack is gone. I'm sure it's temporary, but I've got to find a way to divorce my attitude from my weight. It's an inverse relationship. Huh? No I didn't mean perverse you a**.

November 9, Day 247, 228.6 lbs, 32% bf

Dear Diary,
I feel validated. After saying that I didn't think my meds were right, I got a call out of the blue telling me that the doctor was going to increase my dosage. Yay me. I chose to celebrate by not eating a pastry.  I got home and further celebrated by sitting on the floor and playing Modern Warfare 3 until the wee hours of the morning. I didn't really plan for that to be my workout, but if I could do it again and have the same results, I'd be all over it. Huh? Yeah, I know. I got lucky yesterday, but only because I think I made more good decisions, than bad. I ate a couple of bananas and rice cakes and an apple over the course of the day with a sandwich for lunch and TLO hooked up a cool dinner. Took my new pill this morning. I'm looking forward to having more energy and using it on something productive.
PS. F*** you.

November 8, Day 246, 230.4 lbs, 31.5% bf

Dear Diary,
As I slowly creep upwards on the scale into what I hope is just a day trip to the 230's to pick up a little motivation, I have to say that I'm almost convinced these pills are screwing me. I say almost because I've been f***ing myself lately. Huh? You're an a**hole. Nobodies talking about that Mr. Harry Palms. Hows your blindness going? No one baits a hook better than you. Some would call you Master Baiter. Now shut the f*** up. I'm talking about my poor decisions as of late. I feel like I should be asking myself what f***ed me over daily. Pastries have done me in. Yesterday it was cherry cheese danish from Panera Bread. Two. My will power continues to ebb at the moments I need it most. I hoped, but didn't expect last night's workout would help. I knocked out 200 sit ups, 250 push ups and did some planks while watching football. I hit the block for a quick jog but quit even quicker when I realized I wasn't prepared for the cold. Though I quit the jog I'm not ready to quit doing what I know is right regardless of my meds. I've faced setbacks before. I'll get over it. But first I've got to get under 230.

November 7, Day 245, 229.2 lbs, 32% bf

Dear Diary,
My weekend return to the workout world was marred by all manners of cake. Cupcakes, regular cakes, uh... I guess that's it. Huh? Nope. Didn't get any hoe cakes. But if thy showed up in front of me I'd have probably eaten them too. If there was anything good that could come out of a weekend with weight gain, it would have to be that I got back the confidence that I could do something without hurting myself. Sit ups, push ups, jogging, and riding are all back on the table. Now I just need to get the junk off of the table. Huh? No a**hole. It can't go in my trunk.

November 6, Day 244, 228.4 lbs, 32% bf

Dear Diary,
What the good body giveth, the good body taketh. Huh? No I'm not saying I've got a good body, but I'd love to hear someone else that thinks I do. I realize that I'm not there yet, so I won't complain about that. At least not now. But I'm working towards it. After yesterday's workouts I replaced all the water I burned off and then some. Huh? Fine. I did have some sweets too. I was at a baby shower. Plus I had some kool aid. Don't talk s**t. It was the only thing there was to drink. Huh? What flavor? It was red, a**. What kind of question was that? Your dumb a** should know what kind of kool aid black people drink. That's not cruel. The body is cruel when you take it out of its comfort zone. It makes you pay a huge cost for making it uncomfortable. I figure I should get my money's worth if I have to pay, so this morning I rode the bike for another 20 miles, did 100 push ups and 100 sit ups, and jogged a mile before the rain kicked in. It didn't result in a weight loss compared to yesterday, but it's not as bad as it could have been. F***ing baby shower cake!

November 5, Day 243, 227.6 lbs, 31.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I wish I knew how to quit you. Yesterday was no idle threat. I didn't know whether I'd be here talking to you or not. If I remained idle I would not. If I worked towards being an idol I would. Huh? No I don't think that anyone is gonna worship me, but in case they decide to I wanna be ready. I found the strength to workout last night after a day of work. Actually between last night and this morning I did 300 sit ups, rode 15 miles on the exercise bike at a better pace than usual and jogged a mile and walked for another. Huh? Did I go fishing? Where the f*** did that come from? Uh no. I've never seen that movie. And if I did I only watched the parts with Anne Hathaway when passing by on cable. Hell no I didn't watch the dudes kissing! Not that anythings wrong with that. Look. Shut the f*** up, thats the straw that broke the mountains back. I meant camels.  


PS. Tell you what... truth is, sometimes I miss you so bad I can hardly stand it... Hate. I mean sometimes I hate you so much.
PSS. Actually, its all the time.

November 4, Day 242, 228.6 lbs, 32.5% bf

Dear Diary,
This is getting crazy. I'm not only losing energy, but I'm wasting it on dumb s**t. I'm sure it took something to digest the sugary crap I ate yesterday. A pop tart, a cheese danish and a red velvet cupcake that wasn't worth the time it took to eat it. I was hoping to get a sugar boost to get me by. Huh? Ok. I just wanted them. My will power also seems to be wavering. But it didn't matter too much because I knew that I was gonna workout yesterday. So much for what I thought I knew. I was in bed laying down before 8. There is no reason to talk to you about weight loss if I'm not doing anything to get there, so I quit. I quit , at least until I get my lazy a** out of this funk. I could see you tomorrow. This could be it for us. I just know I won't be back until I exercise. This is a f***ing exercise in futility. Huh? Well technically I guess it could... Nope f*** that.
PS. Don't tell me. I know. Jay-Z would be so disappointed.

November 3, Day 241, 227 lbs, 33% bf

Dear Diary,
I've been having a tough couple of days on the energy front since I've been back at work. I think my meds are failing me. Last night I was wiped out by 7 pm. So no workout and a waste of a chance to move the scale in the right direction even though I ate ok. I feel like I've lost something. Luckily I know I need to go hard to find it. Jay-Z is calling me out this morning. He said "get your swag back daddy. Where's your focus at?" Truth be told, my focus has been on kicking you in your imaginary nuts and losing a couple of pounds. "Now there's much bigger issues in the world I know, but I first had to take care of the world I know." Time to get back to business. Time to go H. A. M. If I can stay awake. Yeah I know. This is some bulls**t.

November 2, Day 240, 226.8 lbs, 33.5% bf

Dear diary,
It's crazy that a pain in neck could slow me down on my road to recovery. Huh? No not you. Though you certainly haven't been much help. Plus, you a pain in the a**. A literal pain in the neck got me yesterday. A day that stared it right. Protein shake and banana in the morning. Turkey burger and vegetables for lunch. Followed by a small beef short rib sandwich and animal crackers for dinner. Not too many calories and I was gonna burn off even more when I rode my bike. Problem was I never made it to the bike. F*** ing pain in the neck shut me down as soon as I got home. I was even hurting too much to go get my pain pill. I just laid my punk a** down and went to sleep.
PS. I just remembered I had a candy bar. Huh? F*** you. That's beside the point!

November 1, Day 239, 226.2 lbs, 34% bf

Dear Diary,
I'm back to work and everything seems normal so far. Everything is just as I left it. My weight is just about the same as it was when I was last here. Time to get back on the grind. I'm gonna miss the morning naps and 12+ hours of daily TV. I won't miss 24/7 access to the pantry.

October 31, Day 238, 226.8 lbs, 33.5% bf

Dear Diary,
Sometimes I'm pretty clear on the fact that a lot of this weight loss stuff is mind over matter. If your mindset is right, then you can get through many of the day to day struggles that goes along with attempts to lose weight. I've had the right mindset for most of this time I've been working through things, but I don't know what the f*** I was thinking yesterday. It was my little girls 10th birthday and we took her to Hometown Buffet. My first plate looked like some kids made it. Potato wedges, fried chicken, fried fish and pizza. Plus I had and icee to drink. TLO looked at me like I had lost my mind. I made up for that with my second plate, which was more like what I had been accustomed to eating as of late. Some baked fish, mashed potatoes, corn and green beans. And some grape sprite. Can't forget that. Also can't forget the look on TLO's face when I came back with my third plate. Huh? Yeah I got a third plate a**. Its all you can eat. Not all you should eat or only eat what you think is good for you. I have a problem with making sure I get my moneys worth at a buffet. I should never be allowed in those things. Its just a mistake waiting to happen. I still have a huge appetite. Its a blessing that I've made it this far with my weight loss. I can eat my a** off. Which I did when I came back to the table with a plate full of desserts. Four to be exact. Carrot cake, a lemon bar, a cupcake and a cinnamon roll. There was enough sugar on that plate to power a young kid for a week. Huh? Nope. I didn't eat it all. Only because TLO was looking like she'd kill me if the sugar didn't. It didn't matter to her what the f*** my mindset was yesterday.

October 30, Day 237, 227.8 lbs, 34% bf

Dear Diary, 

I just don't think I understand my body anymore. I find that odd. Before I used to think we were in sync. If I did this, my body did that. Granny moves this way, juice reacts that way. Huh? You don't know Grandmama? 

Whatever. All I'm saying is that there used to be some predictable outcome and while it wasn't perfect it generally worked. Odds were, if I worked out, I'd almost always lose. Sometimes regardless of what I ate. If I didn't work out, I almost always... Well there I'm not so sure. To tell you the truth this whole f***ing thing seems like a crap shoot. Actually, gambling might explain it better. You can follow all the rules and sometimes you're gonna lose a hand. But if you have the right formula sometimes you'll win a hand or two. At some point you'll even go on a winning streak. But over time the house always wins. Especially if you're just laying around on the couches in that house, eating and watching TV. You have to know when to push away from the table. Especially if there is a cake right in the middle of it. You've got to know when to fold them. Especially if they are the clothes you spent all day washing. You got to know when to walk away and know when to run. It's just too bad I can't do too much running. Huh? Yes, I know my time will come soon enough and I'll get back on track.  Oddly enough, I agree with you. You're still an a**hole though. Don't think I don't understand what you're trying to do. 

October 29, Day 236, 226.6 lbs, 34% bf

Dear Diary,
Its Saturday morning and while I'd love to be doing the stuff that would cause me to lose weight and work towards my continuing goal, I am not. Ran a couple of early morning errands with the family. Now I'm being all domestic and handling some laundry. Just yesterday I got out and jogged a little and walked some too. Not bad, but a far cry from what I had been doing just a couple of weeks back. But I did something. And thats all that matters, cause we both know that you don't. A**hole.

October 28, Day 235, 228.6 lbs, 30.5% bf

Dearest D**khead,
Here I am. Huh? Don't talk s**t to me. I didn't promise you s**t! I said I'd see you tomorrow and though its late, its still tomorrow. Well its actually today, but yesterday today was tomorrow, so go f*** yourself. Look don't start complaining. I explained it perfectly. Me and my perfect imperfections. But my imperfections are part of my character. Huh? I'm not that type of character a**hole. Do you think I'm here to make you laugh? Well I'm not. I'm just trying to get by and I'm not making you any promises. I'm just gonna break them. Thats why I just usually tell you about what I did. Not what I am going to do. It just leads to me breaking promises to you. Not that I promised you s**t. For example, I said I was gonna ride the bike yesterday. Didn't happen. I got caught up with Big Love and had to finish the series. I laid around all day watching and eating. I ate healthy enough. Sandwich with egg whites, spinach and turkey bacon for breakfast. Chicken sandwich for lunch. Figured I'd be ok on that stuff since I was forgoing the workout. Boy was I wrong. That weight came back in a mean way. Huh? Changing the subject on me, ok. Did I cry? What kind of f***ing question is that? Of course I cried dammit! I can't  even blame it on the hormones. It might have been the fact that they killed Bill at the end, or the bad writing or the fact that I wanted to kill Nicki, or the fact that I reached the end of another good HBO series after watching for years and was rewarded with another s**tty finale. Oh and speaking of s**tty finales...Huh? You wish I was done with you. I'm just gonna keep doing this out of spite. When you run out of pages I'll just buy more. Now shut the f*** up so I can talk about s**tty finales. Today was my last day off of work for disability. I go back on Monday. I'm hoping that I will get back on the grind, since I have to go back to the grind. Maybe things will feel normal again and I can start working out again. I'm gonna try to do better. I promise.

October 27, Day 234, 227.4 lbs, 34% bf

Dear Diary,
I admit it. I'm starting to sound a lot like a broken record these days. Huh? What do I mean by starting?!?!? Well f*** you if you think that. Its not my fault that I've been banished to the couch to live out my days. Ok, ok. That may be a bit dramatic. But so are you, you f***ing drama queen. Anyway. I'm gonna hit the bike today. Spend some time with the boys from SAMCRO and get myself into gear. The last few days have consisted of me being almost forced to live out my bad habits of laying around and watching TV. I even had a late night snack last night. It was only a granola bar, but believe me I wished it was a pint of Ben and Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake.  Even though I did that, the overall decent eating helped me to come down slightly from the 228 I weighed in at yesterday. I forgot to hit the scale before breakfast, so I didn't feel like counting that. Kinda like I don't feel like counting you as a real friend. Huh? Well the feeling is mutual a**. See you tomorrow!

October 25, Day 232, 225.8 lbs, 33.5% bf

Dear Diary,
During these last few months there have been plenty of ups and downs. Mostly on the weight side of things. I've been having some emotionally too as of late. Huh? Of course I have emotions. They run the gamut. Love, hate, happiness, fear. I'm just like everyone else. For instance, I love when you... Hmmm. I got nothing. Ok lets try this one. I hate you. See that was easy. I'm happy when you're in pain. And I fear that I can't make that happen nearly often enough. But the truth is...Huh? No, by saying but I am not canceling out all that came prior to it, now shut the f*** up so I can finish. The truth is that I'm scared.  That whole foreboding sense of doom thing is in full gear. I get it all the time and its almost always wrong, but it keeps returning. Can't figure out why.  I did the light bike ride yesterday, just to get my juices flowing again and get some endorphins in the building and now I swear I have pneumonia. Huh? No I don't have any symptoms. My mind is just so f***ing cloudy at the moment. Maybe these hormones are just so f***ing unbalanced right now. This lack of a thyroid has really screwed my pooch. They need to change my meds or something. I lack the energy that I had just a couple of weeks back, and I am getting phantom pains and such. And while I'm sure that this is gonna clear up soon I can't help but be discouraged. F*** you Diary. Huh? I know its not your fault, but what the f*** am I gonna do, blame myself?

October 24, Day 231, 226 lbs, 34% bf

Dear Diary,
Did you miss me? Well f*** you too a**hole. I didn't really miss you either. I just decided to take the weekend off from you. Wasn't really mad, just didn't feel like putting in the effort. I've been laying around reading books, watching football and doing nothing that would possibly help me lose weight. Not that I don't want to, but I'm trying to be careful. Huh? No, not with what I eat. Between Thursday night and yesterday I ate a whole sweet potato pie and multiple helpings of birthday cake. And to be honest the pie started on Thurday night and was done by early Friday. Mix in a few burritos, and some enchilada casserole and a whole lot of no exercise and the result is what was to be expected. A fatter me, but quite honestly not as fat as I thought I might get. My new frame of thinking will allow me to have the occasional dessert, but it won't let me go completely off the tracks. I end up making up for it by eating better in some other area. Or working out a little harder. But thats my problem right now. I can't workout hard at all. Here's to hoping my time of forced inactivity doesn't f*** me over for good. Huh? Well yeah I can do a light workout on the bike while watching TV... And? You know what? F*** you. I wasn't looking for a solution. Unless its something I could possibly drown you in. Let me know. Thanks.  

October 21, Day 228, 225 lbs, 37.5% bf

Dear Diary,
Not too long ago, I would be looking at 225 as some sort of victory and not an utter failure. Huh? What the f*** does this have to do with dry cows? I said utter, not udder you stupid mudder fudder. Now get off your bulls**t, so I can get back to mine. And no, 225 is not a failure, but at this point its a reality. Another reality is that I should be inching closer to 215 at the moment, but because I have this little thing going on, I can't exercise the way I want to. I did something a tad too strenuous yesterday and I'm feeling the ill effects right now. No, it has nothing to do with the burrito or the sweet potato pie. Now the weight does, but not the pain in my neck. And to keep the pain in my neck from radiating and becoming a pain in my a** (please note I give you no reason to question your job security), I'm gonna stay in the bed today and give this recovery the attention it deserves. I'll deal with the weight later...

October 20, Day 227, 224.2 lbs, 35% bf

Dear Diary,
As my dreams of hyperthyroidism turn into nightmares of hypothyroidism, it looks like I'm gonna have to get my fat a** up and do something. I've gone up a couple of pounds in the last couple of days. Not what I was expecting at all.  I saw this thing where lady said she had hypothyroidism and grew 20 pounds in just a couple weeks even though she was very active. That wouldn't be cool. So instead of sitting here just watching the inevitable fat waves crash into the shore of my recovering body, I guess I've got to get up and do exercise. I haven't gotten to the point where exercise is like some horrible disease or anything, but I can say that I'm not excited to do it after going through what happened the last couple of days. While detoxing from Italian Icees, I developed an addiction to cookies. Luckily there are none left.  Huh? Yes a**hole. I at them all. You happy numb nuts? Don't answer that!  Here's to hoping I won't fall flat on my face and have my head roll off my shoulders as I try to hop back on the wagon.  Its f***ed up what pills do to you. Huh?No I don't have any of the little blue ones. Do I need some!?!? Hmmm... Will they help when I f*** you up?

October 19, Day 226, 222.6 lbs, 37% bf

Dear Diary,
As I stepped off of the scale this morning my thoughts of temporary hyperthyroidism and it's singular joy of weight loss all faded into f***ing oblivion. Seems like I'm gonna have to do this the hard way even though I still feel like s**t. So I limited my breakfast from the feast of sugary cereals and bacon that I've come to desire to a protein shake, fruit and a delightful assortment of pills. Too bad exercising your will power doesn't burn much in the area of calories. I still need to find the energy to exercise for real. I've got nothing but time. Well at least another week. Huh? Yes I'm sure I don't have cancer you a**!

October 18, Day 225, 221.6 lbs, 35.5% bf

Dear Diary,
Really? I'm as surprised as you. Are you telling me that all I had to do to get this stuff kickstarted again was to lose a body part, that while important, could be replaced by a pill? Huh? Yes, its just one day. Maybe this is not the start of anything new. No, I don't know if its the cause, but I'm sure its had some effect. I laid around yesterday trying to get some rest and get this recovery thing going on. I didn't eat too much, and though most of what I did was a struggle, I wouldn't consider it to be exercise. But even if it were, I didn't think that a loss this drastic would happen. And no I'm not complaining. I might if this 3 lbs a day thing is still happening in a week though. Maybe more like in 2 weeks, cause just one week of this would be about perfect and take me right to 200 lbs. Two weeks of this would give me some room to eat like I'm stupid and pack back on some weight with muscle. Hmmm. Maybe I'll complain in 3 weeks. But for now, I'm just gonna take it in and let whatever is doing this, take it off.
PS. The Dr. called and said the biopsy showed no signs of cancer at all. Just a big a** gland.
PSS. I'm ok here if you'd like to tell a d*** joke. Nothing huh? F*** you.

Take a picture b***h!

October 17, Day 224, 224.8 lbs, 33% bf

Dear Diary,
So I'm home. And I'm disappointed. No a**hole, I'm not disappointed to be home. Home is where the heart is. And the computer and directv. Huh? The family is covered in the heart part. They are what keeps me alive. They keep the blood moving through my veins. They can also give you heart attacks. Those kids are... normal. But when you're painfully recovering from a surgery, normal seems pretty f***ing rambunctious. I'm disappointed I didn't lose more while I was in the hospital. I'm sure it had to do with my new addiction to Italian Icees. They should really list the calories on the label and make sure they list the addictive substances included in those things. Huh? Also yes... Well, actually no. I am not addicted to pain meds. I'm doing ok without the more powerful ones. Well kinda. I have some tylenol with codeine that barely works. I feel like my head is sewn onto my shoulders and is hanging there perilously. With the wrong move I feel like its gonna tumble down the steps. Maybe the pain meds helped me to ignore that thought, but I can't be sure. What I can be absolutely clear of is that last night I'd have gladly given up several pints of blood to be back in my hospital room with access to some peace and quiet, some good pain meds and yes, Italian Icees. Since thats not gonna happen and since I need to work on getting better each day, so I can continue to lose weight the hard way, I'm going back to sleep. Huh? F*** off. Proper sleep is important for your metabolism.

October 16, Day 223

Dear Diary,
I guess I have nothing to complain about right now. I don't know what I weigh, and though I've spent the last few nights in the hospital I'm doing ok. I know there are 'Better Dayz' ahead, though I'm sure I'll have something to complain about soon enough. I'm going home today. Huh? No that's not why I'm gonna complain a**hole, but that is gonna make me a sitting target for Myles to take off on me. That kid wanted to rip out my IV yesterday. His determination is amazing. His strength too. I do fear that he'll pull at my stitches while I sleep. Huh? When I see him I will do no such thing. 'Bomb First.' He's a baby you a**.  But no complaints about my family loving on me.  I'll likely complain because I have a feeling I didn't lose anything and I won't be able to hit my regular workout for a while, while at the same time having nothing to do but to eat and sleep. I don't like being lazy anymore, but I'm kinda being forced into it for the moment. I should be able to ride my bike, so if the pills I'll be taking don't zap my strength I may be putting up some amazing mileage totals over the next couple of weeks. Actually if they give me the wrong amount of hormones I might drop weight in spite of the forced laziness. I'd rather get it honestly, but at this point I'll take what I can get. I'll also be working on keeping my head up. And before I you insert your Tupac joke you should know that I thought of them all already. How? 'I get around.'
PS. I found a scale here, and just my luck, the batteries were dead. Huh? I don't know if Biggie did it! F***! You're an a**.

October 15, Day 222

Dear Diary,
Still in the hospital. Feeling much better though, save the occasional ache and pain. Being in a little room for much of the day doesn't give much to write about, so... I have to say though, I'm concerned that there is not scale in my room. TLO told me that I was asking for a scale when I got out of surgery, along with some ice cream. Good to know I've got my priorities straight. I also wanted to make sure she called someone from my job to tell them I was alive. But while breathing is nice though not always easy, it would also be nice to know what I weigh. I'm concerned that the lack of exercise, along with being fed 3 times a day is not assisting with my expected weight loss. Could this all be for nothing? Well I am alive. So I guess there is something to be said for that. Huh? No I didn't think I was gonna die, but the co-pays were killing me. I'm gonna get my monies worth. Ahh, here's breakfast now. Gotta go.

October 14, Day 221

Dear Diary,
Wow. I'm so damned out of sorts. I had my surgery yesterday and all went well. It took about 4 hours, but my doctor went in and removed my thyroid and took a look around for anything else that needed to be done. Lymph nodes looked ok, but the thyroid was 9 centimeters, which was about twice as big as they thought. It made things a little more complicated, but it got done. I woke up to see a couple of buddies that had made the drive to check on me, along with my mom and of course TLO. I'm grateful for all of the prayers and well wishers. Grateful for the nurses too. I had a horrible night, sleeping at most for about an hour, then for about 10 minutes on average, but they helped me out tremendously. I have no idea what I weigh at the moment, but seeing as how I was on liquids all day I should be down. Not sure where I'll be when I recover from all this, but I think I'm gonna have a tough time working out. Here's to hoping that daddy's little surgery will be helpful in more ways then one.

October 13, Day 220, 226.8 lbs, 30.0% bf

Dear Diary,
It's 6:30 in the morning and I've been up since 3 and some change. I'm sitting on my porch, the sun is coming up and the street light just went out. It's still kinda dark blue overhead, but to the east I can see the horizon starting to change. Huh? You know what? F*** you a**hole. I'm trying to paint a pretty picture for you. A backdrop if you will into my mind at the moment, before I lose it. If there was ever a time to lose it, nows that time. I'm about two and a half hours I'm gonna get something cut out of me. Huh? No I'm not getting liposuction you a**. Where the f*** have you been the last 2 months? They're taking out my thyroid. And before you ask again, no this has nothing to do with my weight loss. I did that the old fashioned way. I started exercising, stopped eating s**t and started talking s**t. Actually I started writing s**t, I always talked it. So f***ing what. Actually, I'm nowhere near losing my mind over this. I have a calm about me that's not so strange. I'm good. But if something bad happens, I just want you to know how I feel. I... I... I'm gonna come back and f***ing haunt you cause I hate you. See you later, on one side or the other, b***h. Huh? No you can't have my stereo.

October 12, Day 219, 226.4 lbs, 32% bf

Dear Diary,
During this time of trying to get in shape and lose weight, I've learned to listen to my body. When it needs something sweet, I've tried to give it fruit or something other than sugar. When it craves something salty,
I hook it up, but to tell you the truth, I don't think I crave much salt. When it craves cake, I pull a Marie Antoinette. Huh? Well yes, I am aware that she didn't say let them eat cake, but I don't really give too much of a f***. Well, actually I do give a f*** about some cake right now, but lets get back to it... And when my body tells me to sleep, I generally don't listen. Ok I listen, but I don't usually follow the orders. Last night the body didn't tell me anything, it just began to shut down on me. Not sure why, but I couldn't over ride it. It didn't matter that last night was time to ride the bike and watch an new episode of the Sons of Anarchy. I went to sleep. Now I'm awake, and I'd like some cake. And some catfish, and a carne asada burrito from Isaacs. Its gonna be a long day, especially with me thinking of all of the stuff I can't eat tomorrow. F***.

October 11, Day 218, 227.0 lbs, 26.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I could ask what the f*** or whatever like I didn't see this coming....Well... What the f***? Is 23 miles and nearly an hour and a half on the bikes not good enough for you? I didn't see this coming. Ok maybe I did, but you didn't have to do it. Just like I didn't have to eat those Oreos. Reduced fat my a**. More like increased fat on my a**. Huh? My body fat did go down, huh? Oh. Well fine. Just make sure the weight does too this time. I'll try to be good today if you are. See you tomorrow you f***ing a**hole. Ok, ok. I'll play nice.

October 10, Day 217, 225.8 lbs, 28% bf

Dear Diary,
Didn't do much yesterday that was deserving of losing weight, so I didn't. Its not like I didn't want to. I replaced a couple of meals yesterday with protein shakes and my other meal was sensible. The real issue was that I didn't really get in a workout. I was doing work work all afternoon, with football in the background and watching thyroid surgery videos. That was a mistake I might add. The internet is amazing, but it can scare the s**t out of you if you let it. By the time I hit the garage to watch Dexter and ride the bike, my DVR wasn't working right. And who the hell can exercise without watching TV. Thats just dumb. Also, yes. So are you. F*** off.

October 9, Day 216, 225.4 lbs, 32.0%

Dear Diary,
Theres something to be said for hitting the gym and working with a trainer. Theres also something to be said for tried and true diet programs and exercise videos. I'm just not sure what the f*** it is. I've been d**king around out here doing whatever the f*** I thought was the right thing for the last 6 months and though I've had my ups and downs, its generally worked for me. And no I didn't do it alone. I did it with some advice from friends. Huh? No not you, and to be fair not all of the advice and not all of my friends. You just can't do anything people tell you. You have to look it up. You have to do whats right for you. What was right for me yesterday involved helping a friend thats been through his own ups and downs. The Alchy. As a matter of fact, he took me through some ups and downs too. Up and down the muthaf***in stairs while we were moving his s**t. Also yes, his wife and kids stuff too. The distance wasn't much, but its amazing how much stuff a few people can have. He said it would be just about 2 hours and he had a good size crew to help. When we were about an hour and a half in with no end in sight we discussed how he had grossly underestimated the time needed to get this done. One thing I grossly underestimated was my desire for chocolate chip cookies. His wife went to Subway to get us lunch and as I ate the very specific sandwich I ordered I figured I'd stay away from the cookie and the soda. Negative. I killed them. But it all worked out in the end, because I got my workout all the way through. Theres something to be said for going the traditional route, but theres even more to be said for making your own way. Still don't know what the f*** it is though.

October 7, Day 214, 228.2 lbs, 32.5%

Dear Diary,
Wow. I've taken this long to talk to you only because I kinda hate you right now. Its been a long day since I hopped on the scale to reveal that bulls**t a** weight it gave me. Look, I said that I knew my body would snap back, but 4 lbs. is pretty much inconceivable. Actually its more like impossible. I didn't consume anywhere near the calories needed to do something like that. My only guess is that its water. Enough water to drown you in if this s**t is still here tomorrow.

October 6, Day 213, 224.2 lbs, 33.5% bf

Dear Diary,
Yay. Huh? Yeah thats it. Celebration over. I'm sure the body will try to snatch that weight back, but I'll be working my plan.  The plan last night was to replace dinner with a protein shake and keep doing what I've been doing. Did 25 miles on the bike while catching up with the boys from Entourage. Also did some push ups and countless sit ups. Huh? Oh you caught that? Nope I didn't keep count of how many I did. It was late. The important thing was that I did them a**. Now get off my back before I... well before I... I've got nothing. You have a wonderful day ok?
PS. I've got it. Before I shoot you with my magic bullet. Ok, yeah its a blender. I understand I can't shoot you with it. But I can shred you to pieces and put you in my next protein shake creation. Don't f*** with me. Thats what I thought. P***y.
PSS. I retract the whole wonderful day s**t I said earlier.

October 5, Day 212, 226.2 lbs, 33.5% bf

Dear Diary,
Can't you just let me have this? F***. Maybe you can tell me what I did wrong yesterday cause for the life of me, I don't know. Protein shake and fruit for breakfast. No issue there. Had Japanese for lunch. Some rolls and a chicken bowl that I didn't finish. Then for dinner I had some fish, rice and vegetables that TLO made. Maybe I had too much rice yesterday. What the f*** ever. My dessert of 27.5 miles on the bike should have helped me out in that area. But nooooo! I had to gain weight. Maybe it was the water. If it was I'll never drink that s**t again. I'm gonna switch to a steady diet of your blood. Huh? Fine. Ok then. Your ink. B***h.

October 4, Day 211, 225.0 lbs, 32.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I put down 350 push ups and about 120 sit ups last night while watching a Monday Night Football game that helped my fantasy team wrap up a last minute comeback win. Huh? Yeah. You don't have one? No it does not make me a nerd. What makes me a nerd is talking to an a**hole like you. If it didn't violate my code I'd kill you like my arms are killing me. That reminds me. I rode 20 miles last night while watching Dexter and his dark passenger. Hmmm. Could you be considered my dark passenger? Huh? How are you gonna answer a question with a question? Well no, TLO is not riding with me. Why do you ask? Oh. Well she is dark and... don't interrupt me. Plus, you don't spell beautiful with two O's and a Y. Oh, yeah. I get your point... Nice.

October 3, Day 210, 225.4 lbs, 34.5% bf

Dear Diary, I'm not sure exactly what I did yesterday, but I'd like to bottle it up and do it daily for the rest of my life. Or at least until I reach my ideal weight. And yeah, I'm not exactly sure what that is either. But I can tell you for sure that yesterday involved football, chicken, and cake.  It also involved putting a dresser together. You can leave that part out of the daily brew, but just know that I could use that stuff today cause I'm closer to my low than I've been in over a month and I don't want to do anything to f***it up. If something does go wrong, rest assured that I will do something to f*** you up. 

October 2, Day 209, 227.6 lbs, 35.5% bf

Dear Scale,
Hows it going? Cool. Thats great. Me? Oh, I'm doing fine. Thanks for giving a f***. Well do you really give a f*** or anything resembling one, cause I can't tell. Yeah I know that my weight went down yesterday. I'm gonna take some credit for that. I ate ok, but I did have a cookie. Huh? I did not cheat. Cookie was not on my 30 day list. Ok fine, you're right. Its fine by the letter of the law, but not the spirit. And if we're being honest here, I didn't just cheat with the cookie, but I had a spiritual fling with another scale. Huh? You can't ask me why...but since you did, I'm sick of your s**t. You can't make up your mind. Am I fat, am I skinny? Ok fine, you've never called me skinny. Hell you continue to call me obese, so I guess we can say you've consistently called me fat, but at what percentage? According to you, I gained 4% bf since yesterday while losing weight. So I actually got fatter. Doesn't matter that I did push ups all day, huh and didn't eat any junk food? OH! Here we go with the cookie again. How long are you gonna hold that over me? I tried to give it away, but noooo, Terri didn't take it. I get no credit for staying away from the Banana Pudding in the fridge either. F***! How do you even calculate body fat anyway? I bet you don't know. I'm waiting... Oh so now you want to be quiet. Fine, but don't say s**t when I replace you.

PS. Don't think I haven't noticed the relatively flat line over the last month and some change. Though I've been to Hawaii and Miami in that time, I fully blame you.
PSS. See you tomorrow.

October 1, Day 208, 229.4 lbs, 31.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I'm not sure why I've been coming at you all late at night for the last couple of days. Huh? No this is not a booty call. I'm married. TLO would have a problem with me cheating on her. Also, yes. You're a book. Your pages are a bit too thin for me. I need something I can grab a hold of and really get in to. You at least gotta have card stock pages and a nice cover to get my attention. I like a weighty book. Speaking of cheating and weight, I saw a scale in Costco that I gave some attention to. I'm convinced the the scale has been lying about my body fat for a while now, but I can't prove it. But I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Huh? No not that kind of grass you a**. Would you put that out? B***h.

September 30, Day 207, 229.2 lbs, 31% bf

Dear Diary,
I know you felt like you got off easy today because I didn't put my foot knee deep in your paper mache a**. I was busy, so get the f*** over it. Just like I need to get over the disappointment of sabotaging myself every time I get close to 225. That s**t seems like some mythical weight that I can't get too. Its my f***in unicorn weight. Might as well be a unicorn that shoots glitter out of its a**. Thats about how realistic 225 and below is to me right now. I'm so mad about this crap that when I catch that damned unicorn I'm gonna put my foot knee deep in ITS a** so the glitter gets all backed up and has to come out of its mouth.

I feel like the only way I can get there is to kick it super duper old school and go back to the rules that got me started.

March 8th. 30 days. 265.4 lbs
No red meat

No soda

No candies

No cakes 

No fried foods

For some reason thats confusing to me, I just don't feel like I can do it again. But the problem is that I let this bulls**t creep back in to what I eat regularly so I need to do it again. Its not like I'm abusing it. Ok I did have two cupcakes last night after eating a couple of small little pastry things in the morning at work, but I can quit anytime. F*** I sound like a drug addict. I need to find a way to quit f***ing up. Or workout even harder. F*** this s**t. Life was so much easier when I was fat and didn't give a f***. Huh? Ok, you got me. I still don't give a f***. 

P.S. BOHICA

September 29, Day 206, 227.8 lbs, 32% bf

Dear Diary,
You know I spend so much time talking about me and my day that I rarely ask about you. I never ask how you're doing or what's going on with you. Huh? Don't interrupt me. I never check in to see how you're feeling. And for that I... do not apologize. I don't give a f*** about what you're going through. I'm not hunting for any goodwill. I'm dealing with some heavy s**t right now. Huh? No I don't mean my belly you a**hole. I'm working on that. Just last night I did a bunch of sit ups and push ups. And get this, I did it with football playing in the background. That was a small victory for me, though the boys from Boston still didn't beat the Bills. Huh? Tom Brady is their QB, not Matt Damon you dips**t. Stop interrupting me before I go all Jason Bourne on your a**. I got up and took my a** to the store for fruit just to make TLO happy. She's been complaining about us not having apples for days so I went and got some fujis. Huh? How do I like those apples? Are you being a smart a**. Well since I answer all questions, including rhetorical, I'll tell you. I love those f***in apples. Huh? Why? That's a stupid f***in question. I'm not answering that. Douchebag.

September 28, Day 205, 228.8 lbs, 31.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I experienced something new yesterday. I watched Sons of Anarchy. Yeah I know I've watched it plenty of times before, but last night I watched it from the couch. It felt so strange not to be pedaling while watching the boys from SAMCRO. So strange that I fell asleep before it went off. Also, yes. Before I got to workout too. Not a single pushup, pull up or sit up. And I lost weight. If only this could happen daily. Actually just the losing weight part. I no longer like sitting on my a** and watching TV. Also, yes. I no longer like you either. Never did if we're being honest. B***h.

September 27, Day 204, 230.0 lbs, 31% bf

Dear Diary,
I was able to knock off some weight yesterday in spite of Monday Night Football. I did some sit ups and push ups during the game and hit the bike for 28 miles while watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Good times. Huh? Well ok, not all of this stuff is good times. I'm glad when I can lose something, but this has been a pretty tough time for me. All of the back and forth is tiring. Lose then gain. Gain then lose. The one good thing about it is that I know my body is changing for the better. It feels really chick like to say this, but I could fit a new pair of jeans that I wouldn't wear a few weeks back. Huh? Oh. Thanks for the confirmation. Whatever. Its nice to know that I'm doing something right. TLO told me so the other day and its always nice to get confirmation from those that matter. So I think you can understand why your confirmation didn't really mean s**t to me, right?

September 26, Day 203, 231.4 lbs, 33% bf

Dear Diary,
I'm no longer in Miami b***h and I should be happy about that. I love LA. Not that I do anything while I'm here, but at least I can eat right and workout and sleep in my bed and step on my scale. Now that's not to say that I didn't eat right in Miami, it was just different. And that's not to say I didn't workout in Miami because I did. Just not like I wanted to. Walking/jogging has become a part of my Saturday morning routine, but I like to have an idea of where I'm at. I was afraid I'd be eaten by a gator if I went too far. Huh? Nope. No chance of being eaten by a cougar, I think they have jaguars in Flori... Duh. I get it.

September 24, Day 201

Dear Diary,
Huh? Whoa turbo. Can I say anything? Ok fine. Yes I'm still in Miami. Why are you calling me a b***h? I did no such thing. I'm always very respectful of you. I can't believe your b***h a** would call me such a thing. Our relationship works off of mutual respect you punk muthaf***a. I will f*** you up like that big a** pork chop I smashed last night. I guess I should say late last night, but it was really only 8:30 PST, which is the only time zone that matters to me. Me and the boys spent some time walking around a highly overrated South Beach. Uh, no. We weren't at the actual beach. We got out there late. It's crazy how quick the night comes on this side of the country. When you combine that with sleeping during the day, it's a wonder that you even see the sun. Yeah I saw the sun muthaf***a. Who would come to Miami and stay inside? I said no such thing. I got out and hit the pool, but while I was inside I knocked out some sit ups and push ups. Not nearly enough to work off the bulls**t I've been eating. Here's to being home in a little over 24 hours. Sad to say but I sense that there will be more desserts and junk food before that 24 hours passes. Whoa a**hole. I ate no such thing. It was just a cupcake. Kinda like you. Soft and full of s**t.

September 23, Day 200

Dear Diary, 
Ok. I'm officially in Miami b***h. I flew through the night after eating the dinner my mother in law made. I didn't grab a big plate, but it got me through. Well that plate and and extra helping of peach cobbler. I got into Miami at 3 am PST without any chance to work out.  Plus this place has no scale. I'm not gonna have any idea what I weigh until Sunday. Oh well. I didn't really come here to lose weight. That doesn't mean I came here to gain though. Huh? Why am I here? That's a stupid f***ing question. I'll have to think of an answer later. Much later. 

September 22, Day 199, 227.8 lbs, 31.5% bf

Dear Diary,
Its late. I know, I know, but I'm practicing for the eastern time zone. I'm just a few hours away from Miami b***h. Here is to having a decent weekend of fun with my buddies. And to not getting too fat. I didn't do much to help that last night. I didn't do anything that remotely resembled exercise after putting down a late afternoon burger and fries. It didn't do too much damage, but that doesn't mean I want to make this a habit. I'm gonna have to figure out how I'm gonna keep on track without a scale and without a schedule. I haven't come this far to f*** everything off for a weekend in Miami. But I'll try...

September 21, Day 198, 227.4 lbs, 31.5% bf

Dear Diary,
More busy times. Not much in the area of rest these days. Been ripping and running a lot lately. Did a couple of visits last night after what I think was a healthy dinner and then came home to hit the bike. I needed to get back on it after a few days without riding. I did 15 miles while watching the Sons of Anarchy. Smashed a late night protein shake and hit the ground to knock out about 200 push ups while watching the Daily Show and SportsCenter. Didn't do much in the area of sleep. I need to fix that, but I'm pretty sure its not gonna happen this week, cause I'm going to Miami b***h! Huh? Yeah it was a last minute thing. F*** no you can't go.
PS. I wasn't doing the push ups with any thought of looking good on the beach. Really.

September 20, Day 197, 227.8 lbs, 29% bf

Dear Diary,
Uh. Yeah. So it looks like Monday nights are gonna screw me for some time to come. I had another night of getting stuck while watching football. I was able to move myself from the seat during a commercial, but didn't make it to the bike. I finally hit the floor and did just a few push ups. Pretty weak overall, but I had an itty bitty drop. Nothing worth bragging over, but I can be glad it wasn't an increase. Here's to working it off tonight. I. Need to get back to my H.A.M. time with the Sons of Anarchy tonight. That is all. No magical stories of unicorns and rainbows. Gotta leave something for my dreams. Peace out f***er.

September 19, Day 196, 228 lbs, 28% bf

Dear Diary,
I had a long day yesterday. Saturday I did a surprise half marathon. Huh? Well I do go by the name SoopaMike, but no I don't think that I'm Superman. It's not like the light of the yellow sun did anything to help me get healed. And by the way I'm about 90% recovered. As if you gave a f***. Huh? Thanks for the confirmation. Anyway, Sunday was a full marathon day at church. I was there from 9 am and didn't make it home until about 7:30 pm. I was pooped. Had a great time, but I didn't eat that great. Somewhere in the afternoon I had a huge cupcake, followed by a snapple and a cookie later that day, which wasn't wise. It's not like they were preaching against gluttony. But f*** it. Huh? No a**hole that wasn't a suggestion. Cupcakes don't really have a butt, though they can add to yours. Speaking of butts, I have to find a way to stay off of mine when I'm watching football. I just realized I can't move when it's on. I need to be in position, doing whatever it is that I need to be doing when football comes on. Like say on a bike. I realize now that football is my kryptonite. And I watch it from my fortress of lazytude. Huh? Don't you ever call me pooperman again. A**hole.

September 18, Day 195, 227.2 lbs, 29% bf

Dear Diary,
I'm not sure if I told you yesterday, but walking an impromptu damned half marathon may have been a mistake. My legs are killing me. I iced up last night like I never have. And now this morning I'm wearing tights under my clothes to keep my muscles warm. I say may have been a mistake because there was good that came out of it, though it hurt like hell. I had a good drop yesterday after the walk, and even though I didn't get an evening workout in after putting down a burger and some sweets I weigh less than I did Friday. I love weekend decreases. And though this isn't the lowest I've weighed I think it may be the lowest weight/body fat combo I've had. Either way I feel good about things. With the exception of my legs. F*** these things hurt. 

September 17, Day 194, 226.2 lbs, 33% bf

Dear Diary,

My feet hurt. I just walked/jogged 13.37 miles in a 3:45 walk. I was on a damn quest. Huh? No it was just me. The tribe, and I'm not sure why you're calling them that, were at home. F*** I wanted to quit so many times, but I was so far from home. I was also thinking about hitting one of the many diners I passed on the way to get some food and give my aching feet a rest. There were some nice little pubs in the middle of nowhere. Anywhere would have been better, so I kept going. I hit four cities during todays walk. All the way from Gardena to Hermosa Beach and back. I said to myself when I was almost halfway through, Damn Mike what you walk so far for?

Anyway, I was gonna call TLO to come get me but I never gave in. I'm tired. Time to go have fun. But not too much. I don't want to gain back what I just lost. Speaking of lost, you seen my wallet? 

Yo, it was a brown wallet, it had props numbers, had my jimmy hats, I got to get it man, I gots to get it...Uh, no. I wasn't in El Segundo. Why do you ask?

September 16, Day 193, 229.2 lbs, 29.5% bf

Dear Diary,
Half a pound here, half a pound there. That's an OK way to lose, but not a good way to gain. It just sneaks up on you. Next thing you know, I'm fat again. Well, I'm currently fat, but I'm working on that. I'm not as fat as I used to be, but I'm a little fatter than I've recently been. Though an argument can be made that I'm gaining muscle, which is causing me to gain weight before I eventually lose it by burning fat. Whew... All of this back and forth is having a niggling effect on my psyche. Huh? I did not call you anything.  And I most definitely didn't use the N word. Oh, I see what you mean. You're ignorant. And I don't mean like the more readily used variant of the N word. Actually I do, I'm just not calling you that. You're not ignorant alone. I'm obviously ignorant of how to keep losing weight. It doesn't seem to matter that I rode 20 miles on the exercise bike last night. Yes, I had Lomo Saltado for dinner last night. No, I don't know the calorie count. But I can tell you that I didn't eat all of the rice. There weren't too many fries either. All I'm saying is that I continue to do things that I think are OK and I keep going the wrong way. So I must be ignorant of what I really need to do to lose weight. Forget the fact that I lost 36 pounds already. This s**t is just annoying. By the way dips**t, that's what the word I used meant. Not a little N word as you suggested. But I do have an N-word for your dumb a**. Nincompoop. That's you. Now f*** off.