April 30, Day 54, 245.8 lbs, 37% bf

Dear Diary,
I gotta say that I'm starting to feel a slight sense of pride. Not to the point where I mess anything up, but to where I can keep this thing going to reach my ultimate goal. I was good yesterday. Banana and yogurt for breakfast yesterday. Chicken club sandwich and salad for lunch yesterday. We were eating at Johnny Rockets and nobody ordered fries. My changes might be rubbing off on people. Kinda like that time you tried to paint your cover. I mean seriously. Who tries to look more manly by hiding flowers with pink f***ing paint? My thumbs were pink for a week. Sometimes I wonder about you. But I'm not wondering about me or my resolve this morning. Last night I might have questioned myself when I ate a cupcake and fell asleep with the baby. It almost seemed like it was gonna be one of those weekend f*** ups. I got up and put the kid in the bed. I laid around a little more and then hit the bike. Two hours. Twenty seven miles. My legs killed me when I walked up the stairs. They hurt even worse when I had to hit them again to get the pacifier for Mouse. But its all worth it and lets me know I'm doing something right. I'm just shy of 20 lbs lost, putting me about a third of the way to where I want to be.

So diary, go f*** yourself in the most positive way I can possibly mean it. Go get yourself some paint and cover that a**hole I drew on your back cover. Come on, act like you have some pride.
PS. Tell the scale to go f*** himself too.

April 29, Day 53, 247.4 lbs, 38% bf

Querido Diario, 
Am I right to assume that the sign of great Mexican food is that it was as stank coming out as it was good going in? If so what I had yesterday was the bomb. Literally explosive. Hijo de la puta madre!  Kinda like the time I put that M80 inside your back cover. Aye aye aye! You were s**tting confetti for a week. Pinche cabron.  Don't be mad. It was funny. What wasn't funny was the smell. I usually only say excuse me for the sound of a fart. And that's only when I can be  pinpointed as the farter. Well last nights initial fart in the kitchen almost killed my children. Monica had to check the baby's diaper it was so bad. It was so bad that the smell lingered for two hours making TLO scream when she walked in the door. It was that bad. But it wasn't bad enough for me to say excuse me. It was truly the SBD. Silent, but deadly. Qué chingados! It wasn't all bad though. The best thing other than the taste of the food was that I didn't eat too much. It was just the right portion to burn off before the day was over. To do that I purchased season 3 of Sons of Anarchy and got to it. It was pretty late, so I only rode for an hour. Slept for four. Not enough time to get the body the rest it needs. So in addition to being vigilant this weekend, I'll get some rest. And probably keep farting. Adios muthaf***a!

April 28, Day 52, 247.2 lbs, 38.5% bf

Dear Diary, 
Whats poppin' Pimp Juice? Me? I've got a Dilemma. I was riding with the EBG. Yup, went 25 miles. The point is that I was watching Sons of Anarchy and reached the end of season 2 and thus the end of Netflix's current supply of episodes, but thanks for being interested in my progress. Seems like I got over the hump on hump day. I'm down for the 2nd day in a row. Lost a little more than 18 lbs so far. Still can't explain the body fat other than saying the scales a little loopy. Anyway, I'm considering purchasing the 3rd season of SOA because I can't wait for Netflix to eventually add it. The way I figure, it has been essential to my weight loss and since I've avoided fast food, I can allocate the money saved to pay for the shows. Its a no brainer for me. I'm gonna do it.  Huh? Are you not following me? It's English. Would you prefer that I use my Country Grammar? Ok. Uh. It's getting hot in hurrr. That's all I got. Keep complaining. I'll stomp you out with my Air Force One's. I'll use two pairs. Because I hate you. I really do, but  I'm trying to be better. Hey, I got a friend with a pole in the basement. You can stick it up your a**.  Just kidding. Unless you gonna do it? 

April 27, Day 51, 248.0 lbs, 35.5% bf

Aww s**t diary,
It went down last night. My weight yes. Down to 248. No thanks to you and the scale. I even got a compliment. No lie. Said I was looking slimmer. What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of f***in' a**holes. Just be happy for me and my slightly better habits. I ate some Chipotle and some organic stuff TLO made last night. Also re-upped on the fruit. Still need more trail mix.  Also yes, some crap at the house went down too. My daughter was accused of cursing at her friend. Aye, pobrecito. I have absolutely no idea where she'd get that s**t from. No f***ing clue whatsoever. The bad part was that she lied to me. I can get over the cursing. Hell, I've been cursing since the 3rd grade. I've mastered it at this point. So f*** you Brian. But my heart was broken to think that my little girl lied to me. Me of all people. Anyways, all of this has me rethinking my approach to talking to you, but it shouldn't as this is just a conversation between you and I. Right? Right. You're not lying to me, are you? Cause I'll beat the s**t out of you. And that's the truth Ruth.
PS. Didn't know I knew your real name huh? Take that.
PSS. I thought I told you before. Never to f*** me.
PSSS. I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.

April 26, Day 50, 250.0 lbs, 34% bf

Dear Diary, 
This morning as I sit here with a lack of inspiration, it is not due to a sense of desperation. 
When I think of my consternation, it causes a mild case of perspiration. 
Because of the application of a pseudo starvation, which is somewhat like vegetation, I have changed the equation that is me. 
Admiration of Sons of Anarchy. 
Formation of the Sons of Apathy EBG. 
Celebrations have not yet been earned. 
Relations with fast food  have been burned. 
Vacations have been taken. 
Heart agitation due to bacon. 
Cohabitation with donuts and Sprite and TLO. 
Conversations with alcoholics. 
Tintinnabulation, AA stories and happy time frolic. 
Preparation leading to a better me. 
Contemplation of what I eat, allows for a smaller seat, in which I get to place my somewhat smaller a**. 
Cultivation of my diet, means I no longer start a riot, when I can't get to a cookie in training class. 
Coronation of a king on his throne
Allegations that I write this from my toilet. 
Alliterations of my own. 
Recommendations that I take my diary and boil it. 
No more sensations of a scratch to itch. 
Realization that dear Diary, you're a f***in b***h, and I don't give a f*** what you think. 
Ovations for me, not for you, actually thats not really true, when I think of all the s**t you've taken from me (like sugar). 
Appreciation should be the word, though it is somewhat absurd to think I'm grateful to you, but I am. 
My f***ed up imagination. 

April 25, Day 49, 250.4 lbs, 36% bf

Dear Diary, 
I just had a friend congratulate me on breaking 250. I told him thanks and told him he could tell me again in a few days since I'm just hanging around here. Up and down, up and down. Huh? Ok. And up. Good one Diary.  What the f*** is up with the yoyo? Don't try to play me out. I can do that on my own. In many ways I have. Cupcakes. Cake cakes.  Celebrated yesterday with family and friends. I had a cupcake in my hand to put away when I was cleaning up. TLO asked how many I had. I put it away as I had planned and then answered her like I was talking to you. Two and a half b***h! She said who you calling a b***h!?! She then screamed  U. N. I. T. Y. and punched me in the nose.   I got me a down a** girl on my team. She beat my a** down.  Nope. Names not Bonnie or Clyde. Why do you ask? Ahh. Speaking of ice cubes, she gave me some to get the swelling down in my snot locker area. She had told me earlier in the day that my nose was gonna spread. I had no clue she was speaking prophetically. To get the swelling down in the belly I rode out with the IBWC, uh, I mean the EBG. Twenty four miles. The bike is cool and all, but I have to do something to kick this crap into gear and move out of this space. I was stuck at 259 for a few days and once I got over the hump I was good. Haven't gotten over this hump yet. Up and down. Up and down. In and out. In and out. Oops. Shouldn't be thinking about burgers. Huh? You were thinking something else. Diary, you're a nasty muthaf***a. 

April 24, Day 48, 249.4 lbs, 36.1% bf

Dearest Diary,
Today is a special day for me and others that believe as I do. So by extension, and I'm pretty sure I can handle this, its gonna be a special day for you too. We celebrate the resurrection that saved us from our sins and gave us eternal life. And while I know I'm covered Diary, I can't be so sure about you and the scale. I mean how can I forgive it when it says my body fat went up again. At this rate I'll be 100% body fat by the summer. Somethings wrong here. But we'll save any judgements on you losers wonderful beings for a later date. Already got up for sunrise service. Back home and smelling the wonderful meal that TLO has prepared. I hope I can get forgiveness for what I'm gonna do to that cake she made. I'll be as good as possible. To get some preemptive exercise in, I'm gonna hit the bike before its time to go back to church.  Bless you. Lord knows you'll need it tomorrow.
PS. Uh, ixna on the reemptivepa

April 23, Day 47, 250.4 lbs, 35% bf

Dear Diary,
You know that muthaf***ing scale don't make no damn sense right? You would think a digital scale that gives out numbers might have some grasp of math. But nooooo! It appears to be just as stupid as you. And thats saying a lot. So yesterday I decide to start tracking body fat since its another service the scale provides, and not very well might I add. I was 31%, which translated to about 78 lbs of fat alone. So I figured I've got lots of work to do and I should get back to it. I did my thing yesterday. Ate well and worked out. More than two hours and 32 miles on the bike. Walked some on the treadmill. This morning the scale rewards me with a lower weight, but tells me I got fatter to the tune of a 35% body fat. I'm gonna call that impossible, but since the scale said it twice, I'm gonna accept it. So f*** it. F*** you both actually. You haters are my motivators. But I'm cool. It gives me even more work to do. Bigger s**t to conquer. Already started this morning. Walked about 3 miles round trip dropping off and picking up TLO's car from the dealership. I stopped outside and played basketball on the court out front with the neighborhood kids. Dunked on the 8'5" court and realized I've made some progress but I'm a long way from the skinny days. But, I've got my swag back and a new snack. I finally tried the rice cake thing TLO was talking about. I really need to listen to her more often. She's obviously done something right over the years. Starting with marrying me. Whoa, a**hole. Watch it! Imma cash your counterfeit a** for change and make cents, since it only makes sense.

April 22, Day 46, 252 lbs, 31% bf

Dear Diary,

I'm home. Home Sweet Home. Where the love is. Actually where is the love? That b***h of a scale is tripping again. You must have told it that I was with another scale when I was in Vegas. More and more I'm getting the feeling that you are telling the world my secrets. You son of a birch. Get it? F*** you're dumb. Birch is a tree and you're made out of paper which comes from tree pulp. I'm gonna beat your silly a** to a pulp if you don't shut the f*** up. Huh? I don't care if you're not happy about that. Hell, I can't say that I'm happy about the number that came up on the scale. And since I'm sure I did right by the food yesterday, I'm calling foul. If I go close to that b***h a** scale right now it'll actually be a flagrant foul and I'm pretty sure I'll get kicked out of the game. Might be worth it though. I have some theories as to why the number rose, but I can't be sure. So I'm gonna start keeping track of another number to validate my thoughts and hopefully have me feeling better when there is a slight uptick in the weight column. I'm watching my body fat now too. I had to make sure the settings were right on the scale. The kids start playing with it and it tells me I'm a 6'2" woman. Look, here a**hole. I do not cross dress.

Nice try a**hole. That is not me. 

But if the numbers start going the wrong way I'm gonna cry like a woman. I'm a visual guy so I've decided to plot my progress.

When you look at it as a whole its not that bad. But I don't give a f*** about that.  I don't give a f*** about you either Diary. I'm all about the right now. And right now I'm not losing. So I'm not winning either. Duh. But I'll fix that. I'm also gonna fix that f***ing scale if it doesn't get its act together. Imma fix my foot in its a**. You'll be next. Me and what army?  Me and the EBG, b***hes. We ride tonight. If you know whats good for you, you'll stay out of our way. Cause we're about to go medieval on your a**. Where is the love? I got your love right here buddy. Now f*** off.

April 21, Day 45, 250.4 lbs

Dear Diary,
Yesterday I hit the spa. Nope, it was on the 3rd floor. Why you always talking about the upper room? I'll send you to the upper room. You die first and I'm gonna sing at your funeral. I'm just gonna bust all into that muthaf***a sangin' The Upper Rooooooooooooom. Great time. Remember the waaa-ve rooooooooom and the salt grotto? Oh, yeah you didn't go in. Calm down. It wasn't my fault those very nice robes didn't have pockets. I lost my daddy's watch when I thought I dropped it in there. I saw some guy pick it up. I beat his a** and took it back. I couldn't risk losing you. Plus I figured you needed some alone time with the blackberry. How'd that work out? I get it. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I can guarantee you with all the s**t I took yesterday, my manicure and pedicure won't stay here. Neither will the fact that I fell asleep in the Phantom of the Opera last night. I guess I can be grateful that there are no pictures of either. At least I don't think so. My boss's boss said if he got the picture it would have made it into a gag reel at our national sales meeting. I told him I'd willingly pose for as many as they needed if they paid to send me back. No takers. Damn. I ate well again yesterday and made a quick visit to the gym. When I was eating breakfast I ended up talking to a guy that is trying to lose weight and avoid diabetes. He said that he visits a site called www.dlife.com. I'm gonna have to give it a look. I need to step up my game. I looked back at the beginning of April and I have to say I'm not very satisfied with my progress. So no more weekends f***ing around. I can't do Life in a fat suit. This ain't Big Momma's House. I gotta get my focus back. I got some s**t to take care of. Literally. Diary can you please call the front desk and ask them what the f*** they have against 2 ply. They're as bad as Trina. If they can't get me some I'm gonna have to use a couple of your pages. Your pages are nice and supple like a lady. Believe me, I know. Look don't be mad. I'll let you choose the pages this time. B***h.
PS. Hey, this ain't my daddy's watch!
PSS. You goin' eat yo cornbread?

April 20, Day 44, 251.8 lbs

Dear Diary,
Oh how quickly things change. Monday I was up on the tables. Tuesday I was down. Tuesday I was down on the scale. Today I'm up. Ah, the vicissitudes of life. Yesterday the scale liked me. Today shes just some funky b***h that won't leave my room. Kinda like you. Speaking of funky b***hes that won't leave my room. 250 is here. She came back this morning with a vengeance. She's probably mad that I had a ridiculous wagyu ribeye and lobster, along with crazy hors d'oeuvres and drinks last night. It was worth it to make her come out of hiding so I could get rid of her one last time. It was a good night. And I was great during the day. Egg white omelet and fruit for breakfast. Fruit for lunch. I ate right but too much. I'll fix it today. I'm heading to the spa. Nope. You can't come. What am I supposed to do with you while I'm getting massaged? What about the pedicure? I won't even be able to hold you during the manicure. Maybe we can hangout while I spend some time in the gym. Maybe by time we make it back to the room, that b***h will be gone. Then maybe you could take a walk too. I'd like to spend some quality time with my trail mix.

April 19, Day 43, 249.6 lbs

Dear Diary,
What time is it? Why are you waking me up so early? Who the f*** do you think you are? I'm in Vegas. I deserve some rest after the wild time I had... After going to bed early yesterday with some fruits. Uh maybe that didn't come out right. Lets back things up. Yesterday we rode to Vegas. I loaded up with fruits and water and muthaf***ing trail mix ready to set this town on fire! We stopped at Chipotle on the way out and chowed down. We finally made it to the hotel and did some exploring. We picked up all the stuff we needed to get for the people we're hosting out here. We scoped out a location for a mixer we'll be doing before hitting the Phantom of the Opera tomorrow night. We're gonna hang out at CUT by Wolfgang Puck for dinner tonight and appetizers tomorrow night. We were looking at Carnevino, a Mario Batali restaurant too, but didn't choose that place. Huh? Well f*** you too. Don't call me that. I'm name dropping all the restaurants because TLO likes watching food network and knows those people. I could really give a f***. As long as I have my trail mix, I'm straight. Even if I'm eating fruit, the old saying you are what you eat doesn't apply to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have lots of fruits for friends. Apples and bananas have been kind to me. I've even been able to get down with some dates. We're what you'd call friends with benefits. What can I say? I gets mine. But you on the other hand are a piece of s**t, which is unsurprisingly representative of your steady diet of s**t, which I feed you. No. Don't thank me. So back to me. We hit the Grand Lux cafe for dinner last night. Tempting menu aside, I chose the seafood salad which was crazy. It was so good I stopped eating it. Turned in early after that then got up to gamble with the boys. Won some cash on blackjack. Hit some hole in the wall taco spot at 1 in the morning. Had a couple of chicken tacos. Went back to sleep. Woke up this morning to a new friend. The scale at the Palazzo. She didn't judge me and told me that what I did yesterday had no effect on me. Anyways some s**t came up and gotta go... back to sleep. Now turn off the f***ing lights and get the f*** outta here or I'm gonna get one of these goodfellas out here to bury you in the desert. Peace out b***h!

April 18, Day 42, 249.6 lbs

Dear Diary,
Tough weekend. Lots of ups and downs. Temptation always is strongest when I am worn down from a long  week of work and I want to relax. Donut here, cake there. House parties. But I made it through. Now I'm gonna take a quick trip to Vegas for work. Remember that time we were in Vegas and we painted a little mustache on you so you could gamble? Then I stabbed you at Circus Circus when you hit the jackpot. Your fault. You should have shared. Instead you tried to run away. You know how I found you right? Its a small world. I followed the drip. Your blood looks like ink. Ah, good times. You know how they say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Thats bulls**t, I told everybody how you cried. Plus  if I eat my a** off down there, I know you're gonna tell. I can also be sure the weight won't stay there. Its gonna follow my fat a** home. I already know I'm gonna be killing a steak tomorrow night, but I need to figure out how I'm gonna handle myself the rest of the time. With class? Don't make me f*** you up. I'll yank you by your hair and braid your s**t so tight that you'll have to sleep with your eyes open. I can do it. I used to be a muthaf***in boy scout. I had all kinds of merit badges. OK it was like 5 but I am always prepared to f*** you up. Our motto was "be prepared." To be better prepared to not eat myself into oblivion, I'm taking some apples, bananas, water and trail mix with me. A doctor doesn't go into surgery without his tools. And I'm not going to sin city without my virtue. Now I'm not sure how apples are virtuous. They've gotten bad raps throughout history. I mean Eve eats an apple and bam! We're all screwed for life. Then when they say a kid is bad, they call him a bad apple? And you know how they say a bad apple ruins the bunch.  Well I've got good apples. The rest of the fruit is good too. So I'm not worried, you f***ing test tube baby. But TLO is. She told me to have fun, but not too much fun. What the f*** does that mean? How am I supposed to determine when I cross the line? Am I to assume that fun and too much fun are like comparing apples and oranges so it will be obvious? I'm just gonna err on the side of caution and do nothing. Of course thats not true douche bag.  Well I'll see you later b***h, I'm going to Vegas. Huh? You don't like it when I call you that. Alright ho, I'll be back.

April 17, Day 41, 249.8 lbs

Dear 240's,
Hey babe. How you doing? That's great. It's so good to see you this morning. I know I owe you an apology. I went out Friday night and just now made it home to you this morning. I can explain. See there was drinking and eating and partying and I made a mistake. I'm not going to go into details but I want you to know that I felt horrible and I really missed you. I spent yesterday thinking of ways to get you back. I watched myself and ate well. I reflected on what I had done. Then I almost f***ed up again. There was wine and donuts. I had some of both. No. It was just one donut. TLO taped up the box to make sure I did no more damage. I wasn't gonna do anything silly, but the thought of losing you could have really caused me to go crazy. It's happened before. The difference was what I did afterwards. Yeah, I sat out in the yard for a long time. But after that I got up and got on the bike. Me and the EBG rode out for the first time in a couple of days. I caught the first two episodes of season 2 of Sons of Anarchy and rode about 22 miles. I did it all so I could get back to you. I want to be with you. Until the next chick comes around. Huh? I just want to be honest with you. Lets enjoy the time we have together. And I hope it's not too long. I've got goals to reach and while you're a part of them, I'm using you. Come on, let's keep it real. I'm just passing through. Now be a dear and get me some trail mix and a smoothie.

April 16, Day 40, 250.8 lbs

Dear 250's,
This is awkward. Hows it going? Me? I was doing fine, but I gotta admit its kinda strange seeing you here. I said I was walking out on you never to come back again. Then I got drunk. Actually I didn't drink that much, just a big a** strawberry margarita. I was gonna get water, then I looked around the table and saw all of the big glasses and thought, "what the hell."TLO told me how ridiculous I was, but I went on any way. We were at a party after all. So, yeah, I had  a piece of cake too. But I didn't eat the whole thing. Red velvet. You know its my weakness. Nope. F*** that I have no weaknesses anymore. I didn't eat in a moment of weakness. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but chose to anyway. TLO looked over and said you probably just ate a pound tonight. I hate when she is right. And somehow after eating that pound, I wake up to find you here. This is unacceptable. I didn't drunk dial you. No midnight texts. Not sure how you got here but you are not welcome. I've got a new weight now. Its the 240's and though I made a little mistake, I love it. Its the weight for me. For now anyway. Hey I'm a guy, what can I say. But this, whatever this was can never happen again. I know I said some rough things about you when I went out of the door. I don't even apologize. I meant them all. F*** you. You've made my life a living hell for far too long. We're through. I understand I may have done something last night to make you feel welcome, but you've got to go. What? No, I don't want to share one last piece of cake with you. What the hell do I have to do to show you we're through? When I break up with people I don't go back. Ask that one chick. I burn bridges. And if I see you again I'm gonna burn you too. As a matter of fact, me and the EBG are  gonna burn you so that I don't see you again. You fat b***h!
PS. Thanks for f***ing up my plans for Vegas. B***h.
PSS. I'm gonna have to work my a** off this weekend, but I'd prefer to work off my belly.

April 15, Day 39, 249.4 lbs

Dear Diary,

I ate the right foods yesterday, but possibly too much. Grilled salmon burger and fruit for lunch. Shrimp and sumi salad from San Sai for dinner. Thanks TLO. Didn't eat my morning fruit though. Didn't exercise either, but I'm getting in shape. You've gotta eat a few square meals a day and have a well rounded plan to achieve your goals. Keep positive people in your circle and your sphere of influence will increase, while the sphere that is your belly decreases.   This month I have the short term goal of getting to 20 total pounds lost and an overall goal to get to below 240. The way I figure it is that people like round numbers, but numbers don't like round people. And when you're  around people that try to put you into a box you can't be a square. Sometimes you have to mess up what they are coming at you with. Kinda wreck t(heir) angle. Make sure they get all bent out of shape. But know that they're gonna try (another) angle to mess you up. It'll probably be a hex. Again. They always try the same stuff. Triangulation is their strategy.  They should count their lucky stars that I don't get all defensive on them like the pentagon and start bombing on their a**es. That's the long and short of staying on your game when you're getting in shape you little s**t box. 

April 14, Day 38, 249 lbs

Dear Diary,
I've got tits. Yup I said it. Big fat tits. I was feeling all good after riding 40 miles with the EBG tonight. Yup I said it. Forty miles. The big 4-0. Two hours and forty six minutes worth of work. Went through the last three episodes of season 1 of the Sons of Anarchy. I f***ing love that show. I came upstairs and was gonna hop in the bed and TLO looked at me and asked if I was gonna get in the bed without a shower. I said, yes I am. No I didn't. Well I did say it, but no I didn't do it. I went to take a shower and in the midst of stripping I caught a glimpse of those puppies in the mirror. I can't imagine I've grown any since I've been doing this, I mean I think my calfs are picking up some definition with all the riding, but I'm shrinking for the most part. Not sure where the close to 16 pounds I've lost is all coming from, but its going somewhere. My guess is that the weight I've lost around the belly has exposed the happy sacks for what they are. The sweater meat is in full effect.  Theres a guy that I work with that  has started calling me flacco. No you dumba**, not the QB for the Ravens. Are you a football fan? I had no clue. Who's your favorite tea... you know what?? Stop trying to change the f***ing subject. Flacco means skinny in Spanish. I had to look it up because at first I was convinced he was calling me gay. NO Diary! I do not work with Kobe Bryant. Can you please just sit there and f***ing listen. Are you a basketball fan? Who do you think is gonna win it all... You know what? You f***ing did it again. Stop distracting me. Now I know I'm not skinny by a long shot, but the clothes are fitting a little looser lately so I'm feeling good. TLO told me earlier that she can see a difference in the face and stomach. Said she saw some definition in the face or something. I went back later and said, "did you say you could see my cheekbones?" She replied, "hell naw I didn't say that." She then laughed at me. But guess who got the last laugh. I'm wearing her bra. No not really you a**hole, but maybe I should be. These things are huge. I know some teenage chick is jealous of these f***ing jugs. They are as big as Barry Bonds head when he was on the juice. Yes I know that he just got convicted of obstruction of justice. Wow you really keep up with baseball huh? You think the Yankees can do it this ye....You know what. Forget it. You're really trying to milk this for all you can huh? Oh my f***ing goodness. Can't believe I just walked into a milk joke. Good one you, a**hole.
PS. OK. They aren't this bad. Maybe I should stop complaining.

PSS. I still really need to do something about them.

PSSS. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

PSSST. I am Jack's cold sweat.

PSSSS. Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken. 

PSSSSS. Keep trying anyway diary.

April 13, Day 37, 249.6 lbs

Dear diary,
I was so tired from staying up the night before that I went to sleep at 6:10 last night and didn't get out out bed until 6 this morning. I couldn't ride with the EBG, but they rode on without me. Check this out from the DOA EBG:
http://notyouraveragewhitechick.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/adventures-in-cardio/
So while I was finding out about the benefits of sleeping on weight loss the EBG rode on. Now I need to catch up. Speaking of sleep benefits,  diary you should be skinny as f***, cause all you do is lay around you funky b***h. While I laid in the bed catching some Z's I lost some LB's. Got under 250 which was a huge goal, but still the first of many. I was telling The Lovely One that I need to do really well to get a cushion so that I could avoid returning to the 250's if I screwed up somehow. She suggested that maybe I avoid having a box of donuts in the car. Body blow! How the f*** did she find that out? I'm looking at you a**hole. I told her it wasn't some regular thing, but it did happen. I mean who wouldn't want to reach in the console and pull out a delicious sphere of cake covered with sugar when stuck in the middle of a mind numbing 2 hour commute. I  did. Don't want to anymore though. Run and tell that you leather-bound piece of s**t.

April 12, Day 36, 251 lbs

Dear Diary,
I'm so muthaf***ing tired. Its 5 am and I've been up for about 24 hours. Yes a**hole,  I know I have a job so f*** off.  I just finished doing my stuff and if I go to sleep I just know I'm not gonna wake up. Usually by now I'm throwing your punk a** at the alarm clock. Or the crying baby. Whichever is loudest really. Its just what I do. Kinda like you sucking. Its just what you do. I was doing work. Why couldn't I have just done it at the office like a normal person? I'm not sure. Its just been so busy lately. Its always nice to have a lot going on at work. Kind feels like job security. Its like me talking to you. You have job security cause no one else listens to me like you do, so I'd find it hard to replace you. Doesn't mean I haven't f***ing tried to. Remember that time I cheated on you with the post its? I couldn't keep my story together. It was literally all over the place. Post it here, post it there. Then there was the time I got the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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yzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Oh, I'm sorry, I must have fell asleep. I gotta do something to stay awake. Its unfortunate that I wasted a potential night of good sleep. I need all the energy I can get. All of this riding with the EBG is tiring. I did 22 miles last night before coming up to do work. I'd go back down now and ride more but I'm afraid I might fall off the bike and hit my head. Oh you'd like that you little b***h, huh? Just wait till I get some sleep and can think straight. I'm gonna kick your a...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

April 11, Day 35, 251 lbs

Dear Diary,
Phew. I made it through the weekend. It wasn't a given.  It was tough. A donut. Three cookies. I almost hit the soda.  I thought it was over. As the Alchy  would have said, I fell off the wagon. I could feel myself growing back to my size of a month ago. And for a second I was ok with that. I felt like it was inevitable, so why try? But I did. I figured I was good when I walked away with a cookie left in the bag.  I went back to my plan. Fruit, trail mix, decent food and exercise. Me and the EBG (which is growing by leaps and bounds. I've even granted a chapter to the daughters) went 21.2 miles last night with another double up of Sons of Anarchy.  If they can keep riding  with the ATF and the Mayans chasing them, so can I. Except I'm running from bad foods and sugar.  I'm glad that I got through this moment of doubt before I left the 250's because once I leave them I plan on hopping on my bike and not coming back. I'm gonna ride off into the imaginary sunset that is the lighting in my garage. F*** you fat. 
PS. F*** you too diary. 
PSS. Scale, we're cool for now. Just keep going down, before I have to put you down. 
PSSS. It's also time I dust off my old weight loss motto, courtesy of Jay-Z. "Get your swagga back daddy. Where's your focus at?" 
PSSST. Hey Diary. The Sons of Apathy logo is yawning, don't really care if you noticed. Also it remains in place because I'm killing this s**t.

April 10, Day 34, 251.6 lbs

Dear Diary,
I just wrote everything out and spilled my heart out to you only for you to delete it all so I can't get it back. They were the most wonderful stories of friendship, weight loss, love and redemption with trail mix and fruit and exercise bike gangs woven in beautifully, but now its all gone. F*** you.
Sincerely Yours,
Me
President of Sons of Apathy, EBG

April 9, Day 33, 252 lbs

Dear Diary,
Yesterday I felt like Jared from the subway commercials. No, not stupid you dumba**. I ate at Subway for breakfast and lunch. I thought I was doing pretty good. Filled in the empty spots around the edge of the stomach with trail mix, but I made it to the end of my bag which was pretty depressing. Depression didn't last long as I got home and TLO had picked up some lamb and rice from George's Greek Cafe in Long B. E. A. C. H. where the hardest gangstas be. Can't say that city without finishing it up with that line. We were having some friends over. Huh? Do I really have to tell you why you weren't invited diary? Thanks for not making me hurt your f***ing feelings you piece of s**t. So I walk into the kitchen and smell the food in the oven waiting for our guests. I look on the counter and see a box of donuts. Then a few minutes later TLO is baking some muthaf***ing cookies. I was wondering what kind of fresh baked hell I had come home to. Nothing earth shattering but damn, all at once? The 30 days is up and while I can eat what I want without cheating, I'm still in the eat right mindset. I'm pretty sure that lamb is red meat too, so it seems like I was going for the whole f*** the last month diet. But f*** it, it was a Friday night. I had the food it was great. By time the night was over I had a donut and a cookie. All the portions were fine and way less than I would have eaten just a few weeks back. To tell you the truth, it was probably two months ago, maybe three that I bought that same pack of Entenmann's glazed donuts and dusted off an 8 pack without bringing them in the house. I found the box stuffed in my trunk last weekend when I was cleaning it out. I feel kind of ashamed typing this out now, but I felt no shame when I was putting them down 2 or 3 in a sitting. But guilt is a fleeting feeling. Moving on. I avoided the big a** bottle of Sprite that was sitting on the table and I feel good about that. Its been about 5 weeks since I had any and I don't feel the need to change that. After our company left and we did some cleaning up it was about 11:30. I decided I wanted to keep up my momentum and hit the bike. I did a double feature of Sons of Anarchy and rode the bike for 90 minutes, going for over 20 miles. Diary, you're an a**. Yes I have proof. No I didn't coast down hill. That's not how exercise bikes work. With my recent excitement over the show I have decided to form an exercise bike gang. Yeah, I know it'll be pretty hard to ride together unless we somehow go to the gym, but there are no worries so far cause I'm the only member of the Sons of Apathy. I don't really care if you like it or love it...Peace out b***h.

PS. Yes this s**t is real.

PSS. I also started a mafia when I was watching The Sopranos. 

PSSS. When I showed TLO the logo before it was done she said it was scary. I said its for a f***ing Exercise Bike Gang. Its not supposed to be cute.

PSSST. Diary, the first person my EBG is gonna f*** up is you. I'd suggest that we'd burn rubber on you but my bike has no tires. Not sure about future members.

April 8, Day 32, 250.8 lbs

Dear Diary,
I've got nothing this morning. I'm tired. Rode the bike last night for over an hour. Actually about an hour and 15 minutes. Watched Archer and my new favorite thing Sons of Anarchy. That show is so good and I'm so committed to riding thru each episode on my bike while their ripping s**t up with theirs that I'm canceling HBO. This show is way greater than what I've seen of Boardwalk Empire so far. But anyway I rode the bike, then stayed up too late. I'm hitting the road this morning to make a trip I usually refuse to do on a Friday. Gotta go to Lompoc. The only good thing about it this morning is how I'm planning out my route. Most times I do it thinking about traffic and time. Today I thought about where I was gonna find something decent to eat. My excuse for gaining so much weight the last few years was that I was always on the road. Hell, I thought it was true. These last few weeks proved me wrong. TLO told me so. So if all goes well and it should I'll eat well today and keep this thing going. Or there's gonna be hell to pay. For you. 
PS. Can't believe I didn't curse you out. I must be really tired.
PSS. F*** you, you slimy ass brokeback b***h. Guess not that tired. I better go before I get some coffee or you're really f***ed. 
PSSS. Lest I confuse you I will clarify. Archer remains mans greatest creation ever. Sons of Anarchy is great though. Almost makes me forget Peggy Bundy was Peggy Bundy. 

April 7, Day 31, 251.4 lbs

Dear Diary, 

At first I was afraid. I was petrified. Thinking I couldn't live with out food that was fried. But then I spent them 30 days without that fried food, cakes and beef. Though it was brief, I thought I'd bust you in your teeth. During that first week, without a taste, everyone could see me walking around with that sad look upon my face. I should have slapped you with your lock, I should have slashed you with your key, if I'd have known for just one second you'd be f***ing mocking me. Go on now go, walk out the door. Don't come around now. Sugar ain't welcome here no mo. Weren't you the one that tried to make me fat and stick around? Well I said, f*** off. Did you think I'd take your s**t laying down? Oh no not I. B***hes, I survived. With the right eating and some exercise I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live and I've got so much s**t to give to you. Who? You! It took all the strength I had not to eat that crap, sometimes when I was hungry I had to take a nap. And I spent oh so many nights dreaming bout them punk a** cakes, I used to fiend, but now I bet my colons clean. Now you see me, weigh a little less, no matter how much weight I lose, I gotta say, I bet I'll never dress, in no muthaf***ing skinny jeans, cause that s**ts for women. Right diary you know what I meaaan! Go on now go, walk out the door. Don't come around now. B***h you ain't welcome here no mo. Weren't you the one that tried to give me diabetes? Well, uh f*** that. Nice meeting your nuts with my knees! Oh no not I. B***hes, I survived. If I go another 30 days I know I'm gonna thrive. I need to find a proper ending to this song, so... F*** that. No I don't. 

PS. What the f*** am I gonna do to top this one? 

PSS. Down 14 lbs since I started. Not bad.

PSSS. F*** you still. 

PSSST. TLO called me yesterday to see if I was celebrating with a burger. I told her hell no. There is nothing to celebrate.
PSSSS. Still don't get it diary? Press play and read this to the beat.

April 6, Day 30, 252 lbs

Dear Diary,
I wonder how long it takes to form a good habit. Cause its been 30 days and I'm pretty sure I've developed some new habits and changed some old ones for the better. At least I thought so. If the scale keeps tripping though, I'm gonna have to get a second opinion, which is gonna be tough. How am I gonna explain standing in someones bathroom at 6 in the morning butt a** naked. Can you say awkward? And before you cringe thinking about it diary, don't picture me as I am today. Think only of the chiseled being that I am to become again. I was there once. Tall. Ok relatively tall. Slender. Damn good looking. I'll be dat. OK, I wasn't chiseled the first time around either, but f*** off. I'm trying to make a point here.  I'm trying to look so good it will make TLO proud and extremely insecure. All at the same time. I've been proud of the way she's kept in shape after dropping three little ones for me. She's showed strong determination and a ridiculous work ethic to get there. All while I walked by her when she was doing sit ups and exercise videos so I could sit down to watch tv.    Getting butt a** naked forces me to look in the mirror and see how much I let myself go and its a damned shame. Especially compared to her. But in my defense, every time she got pregnant, I gained more weight than her. Just never lost any when she did.  Diary you can shut the f*** up because you've gotten pretty thick around the middle too. If you keep talking s**t I can change that real fast and you're not gonna like how I do it. I will gut you like a fish, you f***ing guppy.  It was after looking in the mirror one day and tipping the scale at 265.4 that I decided not to be this way anymore. So 30 days ago I made a promise to myself. I've done a pretty good job of keeping that promise too. I've lost a few pounds and while I don't love the way I look in the mirror yet, I'm liking it more each day. Even if that b***h a** scale lies and says I weigh more than I do. I swear I'm gonna bust that muthaf***a upside its head until the white metal shows if it keeps lying on me. Don't f***ing try me or I will end the both of you. But I'm not ending the new habits just because the 30 days are up. That would be stupid so I'll leave it to you dummies. No matter what the scale says this morning.  You better have your lunch money, you b***h a** stack of tree flesh. I'll bury you and piss on your grave just to see you grow back. Then I'll chop you down again. The part of me that f***ing despises you will never change. See you tomorrow!
PS. Another hour on the bike last night. Sons of Anarchy makes it go down easy.
PSS. Had a salmon salad for lunch yesterday. As delicious as it was beautiful. I need to Yelp that one.

April 5, Day 29, 253.6 lbs

Dear b***hes,
Well f*** me diary. F*** me for believing the hype. I thought I was on a roll and I was gonna hit my goal of 249.9 early. I figured I should have lost a pound. Did you not get the message? Where were you when I was in accounting class? That weight should have been in the loss column. A**hole! I'm gonna school your b***h a**! The school of hard knocks has a special class just for you. Getting F***ed Up 101. You should do well. I was thinking I could do 15 lbs a month and bring sexyback quickly. But nooooo! You know what?? F*** you and that stupid f***ing scale. Are you jealous? I know day 30 is coming up. Maybe you thought I was gonna leave you. I still have a lot of work to do so I'm here for a while. Maybe you thought I was getting too full of myself. You can get full of my foot in your a**. I'm gonna hit my number whether you like it or not. I watched my portions yesterday. Didn't even finish my lunch. Then I rode the bike for an hour. A f***ing hour. It wasn't so bad. I watched Sons of Anarchy, which just got added to Netflix. Good show. Made the hour go fast. They kicked a**. Kinda like I'm gonna kick yours. Don't get all sad now señorita. I don't give a f*** if you cry me a river. You're trying to make me think I'm losing my way but I'm gonna rock your body with uppercuts until the end of time because what goes around comes back around. I hate you with the heat of 1,000 white hot suns. You guys better get this s*** right with the quickness. B***hes. 

April 4, Day 28, 252.4 lbs

Dear Diary, 

This morning I had to hop on the scale before talking to you because I needed to know if I was gonna give you the Sunday recap pass or if I was gonna have to kick your a**. Well the results on the scale are positive. He is happy that I am not weighing so heavily on him lately and he is telling me nice things. So I will tell you a few nice things. Kittens are pretty. Walks by the beach can be nice, as long as that beach is not Venice. Rainbows are nice, but they've been misappropriated lately if you know what I mean. I mean I've never found a pot of gold at the end of one and I'm pretty sure that's false advertising. Somebody needs to teach those leprechauns a lesson, but not me. Not today. I'm happy. Also, I've seen a movie with an evil leprechaun and they can be mean little bastards. Especially if you steal their Lucky Charms. That reminds me. I haven't had any sugar cereals lately. When I used to eat them I'd pour all kinds of extra sugar on it. I would 'treat them right' in my mind.  This was way before I got all Chubb Rock. When I used to make my tacos I'd submerge my shells in grease with seasoning salts, garlic salt, and black pepper to make them the most delicious and 'juicy' ever, which helped me become Notoriously B.I.G. Damn the thoughts of those tacos is enough to make me fly off the handle. I would put them together and then sit down with 6 beautifully adorned tacos and then smash them. 'It's so hard' not to do that right now but I don't want to end like a Big Pun. Pun intended cause I don't wanna be chubby no more. Get it?

PS. F you diary. You can figure out if I mean like this 

or my more classical definition as wonderfully stated by the poet Cee-lo Green.

 PSS. Something must be wrong with me cause I chose to add the clean version. F*** meeee!

April 3, Day 27, 253.4 lbs

Dear Diary,
Yesterday I got my house work on. I was on the roof. I was in the attic. I was in the laundry room. I was climbing, sweating and fixing stuff. And that was just early. I was planning on hitting the garage to do a little traditional work out on the treadmill and the bike while putting down a new episode of Archer, but TLO called me into action. No, unfortunately not like that, but I like the way you're thinking for once Diary. Nonetheless I got lucky anyway. TLO and the first born were working on a school project and were on the town looking for supplies. I was asked to help them find some so I hit the 99 cent store. Just doing my fatherly duties is usually sometimes always a reward. But I was rewarded beyond my wildest dreams when I came upon a HUGE supply of completely acceptable trail mix. It was great. So much variety. I was like a kid in a candy store. In fact it was on the candy aisle and I paid that other crap no attention. After wondering if I really wanted to try trail mix from the 99 cent store for a few minutes I settled on three bags. Don't give me that look you a**hole. They were 99 cent each, you cheap son of a b***h. I don't think  that was splurging. Even the crappy bags I find cost like 4 bucks each. I know dates and dried cranberries are good, but they are f***ing crazy. Then I'm walking out of the store and give in to the guy that is out in front asking for change for some cause. I had gotten all the way to the car and walked back when he said they'd be happy with even a penny. He got me there, so I gave him 90 reasons to be happy. I value my coins so that took a lot for me to do. So the philanthropist that I am hops in the car and as I'm cracking open my new found bag of glorious trail mix for a quick taste, Barry White's 'Put Me in Your Mix' comes on the radio. No bulls**t. This was fate. It was destiny. If fate was ever put in place for a moment, it was this. If destiny had a child, she would probably date this kid.

Get it? Destiny's Child? Beyonce? He looks like Jay-Z. You know what f*** it. You're stupid. Why do I even try with you?

Now I'm off to have a productive morning. Peace. Well, actually Pieces. Which you may find yourself in if you stay on my wrong side. Get your mind right Diary, and there may be a bookshelf in your future and you can stop sleeping on that bed of needles. Your back cover will be fine soon. Just think of it as acupuncture. B***h!!!!!!!!!
PS. Some stupid person I used to work with many years ago thought that places like Big Lots and the 99 cent stores got all of their supplies from train wrecks. She was dumb as f***. Just think of all of the train wrecks that had to take place for them to keep their stores running. But just for a moment yesterday I was thinking that all of that trail mix had to fall off of the back of a derailed train. Only for a moment though. Its funny how stupid people find a way to work themselves into your deepest thoughts.
PSS. Some other stupid person played an April Fools joke on me a day late. Not so funny at first, but when reflecting, its clear to see that he set me up perfectly. Good job. Now if that a**hole could figure out how to read a calendar.

April 2, Day 26, 254.6

What the f*** is up Diary?
It's Saturday. I got a chance to sleep in and I'm feeling good. Not sure why the alarm clock kept going off this morning. And again, I apologize for throwing you at it to shut off the snooze. But I've been working out and you should do something too. Yesterday I had the regular breakfast of fruit and yogurt. A mid morning cup of oatmeal. Then sushi for lunch. Little yellow tail, some tuna and some shrimp tempura rolls. It was great. And before your dumb a** comes back with "isn't tempura fried?" Let me stop you. F*** yeah it is! So was the little sample of fried tuna the chef hooked us up with. I initially declined, but partook in it after some slight cajoling by my peeps. No diary you're not one of my peeps. How many times do I have to tell you? You're my poop. And that's only because you're the s**t. After all, you are what you eat. And because of that, I am ... Well I was the s**t, but since I no longer put so much s**t into my body I am somewhat less s**tty. But not to you diary. I will continue to treat you like s**t because you of all poople deserve it. But back to my better eating habits. I can honestly say that I've eaten more fruit in the last three weeks than I ate in all 2010. And that's not an exaggeration. I was telling TLO that when this 30 days is up I plan on continuing to pass McDonald's by. Same for all of the other places that serve s**t. They suck. With the exception of Taco Bell and its bean burrito, which I love. I just don't have the desire to taste that other crap anymore. I don't have the patience to deal with the fat it adds to my body. I have more to get rid of as it is. So here I stand 26 days after I started this s**t, thinking about P Dummy's s**tty group Day 26. I was going to try to think of something witty to say involving their song titles but I don't know any of them. They suck. I don't. What I've done in 26 days was to lose a few pounds, 10.8 to be exact as of this morning. But more importantly I've learned a few things about myself and food. So this little experiment has been worth it so far. Gotta step it up, but not not like the Step It Up movies, cause they also suck a**. Maybe I need to Set It Off.
PS. Diary you suck too.
PSS. Big monster balls.
PSSS. I'd eat a hamburger from McDonald's for Halle Barry. She doesn't suck.
PSSST. Don't tell TLO.
PSSSS. I used to get in trouble by my mom for saying suck. Good thing she can't read my diary. She'd go f***ing nuts.
PSSSSS. That reminds me I still need some trail mix. F***!!!

April 1, Day 25, 262 lbs

Dead Diary, 

I was talking to my mom yesterday and I'm convinced that 97% of my issues come from my childhood. Mom was great. I had all that I needed and some of what I wanted. I say some of what I wanted because I really wanted sodas and juices and she never gave us any. I always asked about McDonalds. She said she didn't have any McDonalds money. I asked her what the hell she had to do to make some! Needless to say I got in trouble for that so I took it out on you. I didn't tell your b***h a** the real reason I burned your page with a magnifying glass at that time.  And for that I apologize, but in my defense I wasn't in touch with my feelings and there was an ant crawling on you. Anyway as soon as I first moved out it was on! Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King, Carls Jr... Anywhere I could drive thru that had cheap, but plentiful food with fries and sodas was patronized. What? Don't you patronize me you silly f***er. I still know where that magnifying glass is and I've perfected my torture techniques. I've been itching to waterboard your a**. Just try me. Anyway,  I was 170 when I graduated high school. The freshman 15 became 30 for me because I was an overachiever. I was active though so I didn't grow much more than that until I met TLO and sunk into the comforts of married life. But I must admit I miss the early college nights of watching Beavis and Butthead with my roommate while putting down a 6 pack of powdered raspberry filled hostess donuts and large slurpees. Not sure what he ate while we watched. And that was daily. College was where I perfected my big ass taco. I cooked big stuff to try to achieve economies of scale, which I picked up in one of the Econ classes I met TLO in.   And here I am today. Just now getting to the point where I realized all of the damage of my overeating was caused by my mom being cheap. I don't understand why she wasn't rich. We couldn't eat high on the hog. We ate low. But not his balls. That would be nasty and mountain oysters weren't very common in the CPT, though I'm sure my neighbors ate any damn part of the pig they could get their hands on.  Just because she raised three kids by herself doesn't mean mom couldn't spring for a combo. Hahaha. I'd never say that... to her face because she taught me to respect others. If you tell her I said it I'll draw and quarter your punk a**. 

PS. I can't blame the remaining 3% on her. Cursing isn't a problem for me. It's a pleasure. This kid Brian told me in 3rd grade that I didn't know the art of cursing. I've spent my whole f***ing life perfecting that s**t you motherf***ing b***h. English, French, Spanish. I've risen to the upper echelons of the cursing pantheons.  Now bugger off!

PSS. I ate food yesterday. Hopefully not too much. 

PSSS. TLO told me I need to sleep more cause it helps with the weight loss. I know she's right but I've been kinda busy. If I gained weight again it's gonna because of lack of sleep. Either that or lack of trail mix to eat during the day to keep the metabolism working all day long. Whatever the reason it's obviously not my fault. Because I can't  be held responsible for what I eat and drink or when I sleep. Thats ludicrous.

PSSST. April Fools 255 lbs