March 31, Day 24, 255 lbs

Dear Defecator,
Yesterday I was basking in the glow of a compliment from a dealer. Maybe basking is the wrong word. Compliment too. He noticed I had lost a few pounds and could tell that my neck wasn't spilling over the collar of my shirt.  I'd noticed the same even though you haven't said anything. You selfish prick. Twelve pounds makes a difference. OK you're right. I didn't quite lose 12. Then I gained some back so I'm about a net 10. See what had happened was... I went to the Clipper game last night and must've  had a bit too much to eat, but I'll be damned if I didn't think it was good stuff. It was a salad, some shrimp, a few California rolls and some potato salad. Not too bad right? I can hear TLO talking about portion control. I also hear her asking what else. There was also a hot dog and a slice of cheesecake. And? I'm a grown a** man. Yes I grew even more yesterday. We both knew this was gonna happen. It was inevitable. Maybe inevitable was the wrong word. Actually it's not. The important part was it wasn't moment of weakness. I figured what the hell, I've earned it. And I ate it without going on a sugar binge, which was a major victory. Doesn't mean I'm going all in on sugar. I'm still good. I'd have liked to have done some exercise, but I got home pretty late. At least my mind is in a good place and I'm grateful to you for that diary. Maybe grateful is the wrong word. Wait are you in the restroom? What's that flushing sound? Are you talking to me while you're on the toilet? You're a piece of s**t. Actually, I guess it makes sense you're there. Carry on. 
PS. I get it. I'm supposed to be losing weight. Who cares about looking good for a day. I'll have to think up an appropriate action to mitigate the damage of my haughtiness. Pride comes before the fall.
PSS. I'm thinking about going all fruit for a day to see how that turns out. I'm mentally strong enough to try it. I think.
PSSS. F*** you and the mirror that got me all happy.

March 30, Day 23, 254 lbs

Dear whatchamacallit,

I was gonna say something to you but I forgot. Don't worry it'll come to me. Oh yeah. F*** you. I think that was it. I'm tired this early morning. Stayed up pretty late. Yesterday was busy. Last night in particular. School meeting. Went to the store twice. Washed a few dishes. Washed some clothes. All that while feeling the desire to get some exercise in. So I went into the garage sometime after 11 and hopped on the bike...after some preparation. I had to load up Archer on the TV. It made the ride much more enjoyable, than say, uh, I don't know, talking to you. I don't know why I talk to you anyway. You are the worst listener I know. It's like you don't even use the ears I drew for you. Vincent Van Gogh f*** yourself.  I'm telling you Archer has the best jokes. Anywho,  I was on the bike for 45 minutes last night and rode 10 miles. Yes. It was an exercise bike. Nope. Didn't want to run the risk of riding a real bike too far and then having to pedal back home. Think about it. That crap is way too possible and way too scary. With this bike I can get up whenever the hell I feel like it. Last night I felt like getting off at 20 minutes, but I was motivated to ride to 25 to beat what I did the night before. I got off then because the pedal was loose and bothering me. I fixed the pedal and hopped back on to test it and bless my heart (really bless my heart. There's too much crap that could happen to the old ticker, so while I'm doing my part to make sure blood can flow to it, it would be nice if it kept beating at the right speed, especially with me putting the sudden stress of exercise on it), the timer came came back on just like it never turned off. So I turned the pessimistic athlete in me back on. In my mind I imagined riding the streets past the Krispy Kreme, past Torrance Bakery, past McDonalds, where I didn't want to stop anyway, all the way to the trail mix store, where all of my greatest trail mix dreams could come true. Yes. It was a stupid daydream. Nope. I still couldn't find a decent f***ing bag of trail mix. Finding a bag of trail mix is harder than losing weight. I think my next 30 days should be dedicated to finding a bag. Yes. I'm kinda serious. I need something to do for the next month. Nope. I'm not committed to exercising. Yet... I had something very important to do this morning that I can't think of at the moment. Thanks for wasting my time. Now get the f*** out of the weigh... Oh yeah... You better hope this turns out OK or I'm gonna rip off your other ear. Peace out b***h! 

PS. Peace is literally out the door. I'm gonna kick your a**! 

March 29, Day 22, 253.8lbs

Dear Diary, 

Seems like I've been wrong about a few things lately. I'm always man enough to admit them too. No you stupid f***er, not about you. I've been right about you all along and I'm convinced you're going to die in a fire. I'm talking about dates. I can't tell you how many bags of trail mix have been dropped to the side because I saw dates in the bag. Actually I could tell you. It was like two. I've dropped other bags of trail mix for other nasty s**t, but dates were by far the things that pissed me off most. It was only because the bags were otherwise perfect. Great mixture of nuts, seeds and dried fruits. Then a s**tload of some bulls**t a** dates. But diary, I gotta admit it I was wrong. Dates are delicious. At least when they are dried up and covered with what I can only imagine are delicious little specks of sugar that are too small for me to consider making a difference in me getting fat or not. The lovely one returned from Vegas and the kids were able to eat something for the first time since Saturday. Thank goodness, the baby's crying was almost as bad as you diary. Yeah I said it. Now shut the f***up you stupid ****. That didn't even sound nice to me and I might have been wrong to say it, but I'm gonna have to take some time to reflect on that. Later. Much later. Back to me a**hole. The lovely one hooked up some chicken tacos (nothing fried, except for some itty bitty strips of tortilla. Since she put them in there I'm gonna say it's OK because I'm convinced she's got my best interest in mind, which was not always the case. I'm sure she was always looking out for me. I just wasn't convinced. I was pretty sure she was trying to keep me fat so no one else would want me. True story) and a salad. The salad dressing was on the table and when I reached for it she said, "you're gonna put balsamic on that?" Now I may not be the smartest person in the world, but salad dressing is supposed to go on salad, right? It's a rhetorical question a**hole. Shut up! And even though ranch has somehow been linked to black people almost exclusively and used on any number of items, it is in fact a salad dressing and could possibly be used to adorn lettuce and the s**t that joins it's leafs on your plate. Having demonstrated my knowledge of salad dressing and it's many uses I said, "uh, I guess not." So after eating a thoroughly confusing but well cooked meal, I was given dessert by TLO. Damn diary, are you that f***ing dense? No it's not a rhetorical question! That dessert was a fruit salad, with trail mix and whipped cream. It was delightful. I even used that word when describing it to her. It sounded incredibly fruity to me, but you are what you eat and by that time I had already eaten two bananas and an apple on the day. Needless to say there were dates in there. After I b***hed for a moment I ate one. Then very quickly ate them all. I told her that I was reconsidering my stance on dates. The world of trail mix is open to me once again. Thanks to TLO. She asked if I'd reconsider my stance on mandarin oranges. I said "f*** no," knocked over the glass that I had placed them in after picking them from my otherwise delightful fruit salad and walked away in a rage. You're lucky you weren't there diary. I'm convinced I'd have set you on fire. Good times. Good times...

PS. Mandarin oranges are stupid. 

PSS. Mandarin oranges belong in China and next time I find one in my food I'm gonna dig a hole to China and send them the f*** back. 

PSSS. I hate mandarin oranges more than I hate you diary. 

PSSST. No I don't. I hate you more than anything in the world, you piece of s**t

PSSSS. I golfed yesterday and did a little bit of exercise thanks to TLO. I'm gonna have to do that again after looking at the scale. Almost down 12 lbs. No thanks to you. D**khead.

March 28, Day 21, 256.2 lbs

Dear Diary and Scale,

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead (Philippians 3:13). That's just part of the good word I got yesterday at church. The meaning and the context is much deeper than what I'm gonna to use it for, but nonetheless it's appropriate. Times a' changin' and so am I. No more chubby, no more stagnation or being subdued. No more excuses. I can't do anything about the past. Doesn't mean to ignore it and it's lessons though. I need them if I'm gonna succeed in the future.  Learning my lesson while moving towards my goals will provide me the momentum needed to finish strong. Not to mention once I get this big body moving I can also count on inertia for a few moments. So, so far I've learned that salt can cause problems. Sugar causes problems. Fried food causes problems. Soda causes problems. Cakes can be nice for celebrations and they cause problems. Red meat...well, have you ever seen a cow hurt anyone? But OK. Red meat can cause problems. But all of those things cause problems if they are abused. Abuse itself is a problem. I've learned that I can live without all of those things for some period of time, but what I really need to do is to learn to live with them. That is my pursuit. Losing weight too. Maybe losing weight first. Then pursuing mediation with the things that are trying to kill me. OK. How about both? I can do both.  After pursuing, I start producing, then I start prevailing. I win (weight loses). Winning, duh? Cause all I do is win, win, win no matter what. Got donuts on my mind and I can never get enough... Ahhh donuts. Crap. 

PS. You guys caught another Sunday recap pass, Diary and Scale, but don't think for a minute that once this church wears off that we don't have beef. Ahhh beef. 

PSS. Thanks to my Pastor for the inspirational message. I'm sure he was talking to everybody, but I took it as my own. 

PSSS. I was gonna say something if the scale went up, but luckily... Screw that. No luck involved. It should have went down. I expect it to continue to drop. No more yo-yo at this spot.

PSSST. I may have found a temporary trail mix substitute while rummaging the cabinets to find food for the kids. Don't worry they'll eat soon. The lovely one is returning from Vegas today. 

March 27, Day 20, 257.2 lbs

Dear Diary,

Maybe I made a mistake. Yesterday I told your punk a** that I understood the slight increase in the numbers on the scale. F***. I even took some responsibility. That didn't mean that it would be acceptable for it to happen again you f***ing douche bag. Yesterday the lovely one left me. Stop cheering you a**hole. She went to Vegas to relax with the ladies. A well deserved break. When I was taking her to the airport, she entered my fly a** minivan (yeah I drive a minivan and its not because I need the room, but the room is a very nice benefit) and inspected my traveling foods. Since I've not been able to find a decent f***ing bag of trail mix to save my life, I've taken to rolling around with some reduced fat wheat thins and some sunflower seeds. She saw the seeds and started shaking her head. She was about to start throwing some salt in my game. Literally. She was talking about the salt content in that bag, which I have to admit was pretty high. Hell, the bag was covered in the s**t. No I didn't say covered in s**t. That would be your cover. And diary again, I apologize for that night. Why would you place yourself so close to the toilet anyway? So after I dropped the wife off the thought occurred to me and I looked up salt and water retention. I wasn't shocked to find what I found. Somewhere along the line I knew this but never really put it together. Salt, sodium or whatever you want to call it makes the body retain water. In some cases its a good thing when it helps prevent dehydration, like in sports drinks. But when you're trying to lose weight while consuming lots of salt, especially while drinking lots of water, it can make things worse. So with that I mind, I set off to try to free myself of the salt that just a few days ago I was not willing to do. But first... I needed to finish my seeds. Then I made my shrimp and wonton soup for lunch. For good effect I went to my three core seasonings. Garlic Salt, Seasoning Salt, and Black Pepper. Yea I know. F*** you. By time I made it to dinner I just had a chicken sandwich and some fruit. Not much salt in that I hoped. Then I hopped on the scale this lovely morning only to find that son of a b***h penalized me for what I had done. It wasn't much but it was enough to make me stomp him where I imagined his nuts would be. Then I ground my foot into the spot and imagined I was a fat Bruce Lee. I guess I could have been Jim Kelly, (No, not the football player you dips**t), but I've been eating a lot of stir fry and rice lately, so imagine that I just told you to go f*** yourself in Chinese. No Diary, I don't give a damn which dialect you choose. Where was I, ah stir fry and rice. F***, maybe I need to cut down on some of the rice too. So faced with increasing weight, I'm gonna go all Black Samurai on my own a** and cut some salt and more carbs out of my life. Either that or mix in some exercise.

Hold on Diary. That may have been a little drastic. I'm gonna have to reconsider that again. One thing I will not reconsider is my daily visit to the scale. It is fun, even if I don't like what he's telling me. Plus I need it to keep me honest and on the right path. So continue to f*** yourself for now, while I consider going on a Rampage!!!!!
PS. Also couldn't do Jim Kelly because I'm going bald. My afro would be pretty weak. It would look a lot less like a mix between Angela Davis and Sweet Lou Dunbar and more like a flat tire.
PSS. Last night I had like three spoons of ice cream since we're being honest here. The lush might think I fell of the wagon, but I just got off for a moment when the wagon stopped in front of my freezer. Then I hopped back on and moved that chuck wagon towards a pear. I wish that damned dog would stop chasing me.

PSSS. When the lovely one left she didn't even tell me what to fix the kids for dinner. I'll feed them something as soon as I figure it out I swear. Gotta go for now. Their screams of hunger are deafening.

March 26, Day 19, 256.6 lbs

Dear Diary,
How are you today? That's great. And the scale? Good, good. ME? Thanks for asking you piece of s**t. I'm great. I gotta admit I was kinda humbled when the scale went up instead of down, but considering what I went through yesterday it could have been worse. The morning was fine and all. I had an apple and a banana on the way to the office while listening to the latest episode of Archer. Which I love! Can't say the same for you diary. On the list of things I love, you are at the bottom...of the 99th page. At the office I did the oatmeal thing and then lunch happened. We go to this little Thai place and I get the usual. Garlic fish fillet. Great little dish. The waitress brings it to the table and I was like, "f***!" It was fried lightly fried. When later explaining the transgression to the lovely one, she said it was the same difference. Well f*** it an f*** you too for taking her side diary. Long story short, I ate it. Hell, I ordered it. It was my fault. But the fact that I had never really paid attention to the fact that it was fried kinda tripped me out. What? I pay attention to all kind of things diary. I noticed you were a b***h from the day I met you. I made  tried to make it up through the day and really stick to the letter of my law. I went to a happy hour last night and the appetizers were all over the place. Fried pickles, Kobe sliders, nachos, and all other manners of delicious s**t. The Kobe sliders were just the right amount of pink and smelled excellent.

Didn't touch any of it. Not even when my buddy that ordered the sliders insisted that I have one, then proceeded to talk to me after eating his. His breath was delightful. I had to laugh at the thought of that, cause it nearly pushed me over the edge, but I had already messed up for the day. I was determined to stay strong, even in a slightly inebriated state. Also, yes. I had a couple of beers. Bud lights to be exact. The only non water or orange juice thing I've had to drink in a while (The important and sad thing here, is that they tasted like water). At least I think so, until the lovely one comes to correct me. So though I slightly violated the challenge yesterday, I learned a valuable lesson. I'm paying much more attention to the s**t I'm putting in my body. Also, that I could feel guilty. But that could have just been heart burn.
PS. F*** you
PSS. I can hear Terri in my ear yelling, 'REPENT! REPENT! Eat an apple! REPENT!' as I type this.

March 25th, Day 18, 256.2 lbs

Dear bag with which one douches,
No thanks to you and that f***ing scale, I'm back on track. On my way to 10 lbs lost, but my next real goal is 249.9. Haven't been below 250 in a couple years. Speaking of low places, been talking to the Alchy again. He informed me that he is not a lush because he does not drink anymore but he will forever be an alcoholic. I was like phew, because if he ever got over this alcohol thing I'd need a new source of comedy. We were talking and he felt that he finally had something for him to tell me he was sorry for. Notice I said sorry. I've filled him in on my very specific use of words when doing the action. If I am apologizing to you, I'm basically saying that its too bad that you feel that way. Hoping me saying the word apologize to you will make you feel better. If I actually utter the word sorry, its because I really am sorry. Feel free to remember that when I 'apologize' to your punk a** in the future. If ever. Because you deserve my derision. No you don't. I apologize for treating you that way. Anyways the lush (I will continue to use the word lush because its fun to say and type) was setting me up to say he was sorry and leading up to it he said "when you fall off the wagon" and I was like whoa buddy. He said I was white knuckling it. He had a point. Eventually I'm going to stop doing this stuff, but when I do, it'll be because I chose to. Not some uncontrollable urge. He said he'll never take another drink again. I can respect that. But I will damn sure be eating another steak. I actually already have it on the calendar. April 19th. Stay tuned for that you son of a b***h. Also, yo mama is so fat that people thought she was a redwood. Oh she was? Proves my point. B***h.  Now stop distracting me. I believe that he will never have another drink. But it won't be without me trying to help him test his cool. I'm sure I'll have to apologize to him for that later. Anyway, he's working the steps. Maybe I should too, but no. I'm just gonna go to step 9 and apologize to anyone that I ever cursed for trying to stop me from consuming junk. Also to anyone whose candy I stole. Especially that baby. It was just way too easy. I think theres a saying about that... Shut the f*** up you idiot diary. I can figure it out myself. You have my deepest apologies diary-a. You're the s**t. 

March 24, Day 17, 257.6 lbs

No greetings, no salutations just f*** you. F*** you and the scale you rode in on. What the f*** diary? I spent all this time trying to eat right, eat better and do the healthy thing avoiding cakes and candies. They were all over the place and I didn't even take a second glance.  I drink water with lemon like Vito on the Sopranos did when he went from fluff to buff. It should be clear that I ate no Johnnycakes.  I had to piss like a f***ing race horse all day and this is how you repay me? I gain weight? Somebody is gonna pay. There Will Be Blood. I'm glad I hopped on the scale before I decided to talk to you today because I might have said something nice to you. I want to know who the f*** is responsible for this transgression because it damn sure isn't me. You better fix this s**t in short order. Noooo, Johnnycakes. I didn't ask for a cook. Go the f*** away. Hell no I don't want your milkshake. Those would fall in the temporarily banned area. Actually if you mean what I think, thats permanently banned in these parts. If I wanted a real milkshake I'd get a loooong straw and take it. Though it would likely have to be a slim fast. Back on point. I didn't eat anything different than I did the last two weeks. So it shouldn't be the food. I damn sure didn't exercise, so this can't be muscle. You better give me an answer! I'm gonna rip out your favorite page, yank out the scales batteries and drop them off in the hood and make you ride the train home with bloody loco.

See if you guys come clean then. Muthaf***as. I should beat you over the head with a bowling pin. I'm finished!

PS. Who do I have to f*** to find a decent f***ing bag of trail mix? Not you Johnnycakes. Who the f*** eats dates and why are they in the halfway decent bags? I'm not a hippie. I am fat. There is a difference. Suck it dates.

March 23, Day 16, 256.2 lbs

Dear MFing Diary, 

What's going on? Me? I'm good. It's hump day. I've got over a hump and there are plenty of humps left to get and get over and I'm so f***ing confident. My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps... Say wha? F*** you diary. I may be chubby but I don't have no f***ing lady lumps. Check it out. Where is the love? Why would you even say something like that.  I should have known you were a douche when I found you in the feminine needs section. Wha? It doesn't matter why I was there. You shouldn't be so spiteful. I was having a good day. I didn't even do anything to your punk a**.  I spent yesterday talking to good friends about stuff. Friends that I don't always agree with gave me advice that was agreeable and helpful. Now if they'd only follow my advice on who to vote for.  I talked to friends that knew me when I was skinny and I was reminded that I could be skinny again. Speaking of skinny again I was talking to the lovely one the other day about shedding some pounds heading towards skinny town again. Really? What's your problem today? Yea I know I'm like a million miles from there, sh*t for brains. The point is that I'm going and when I get there I'm gonna take the f***ing city over like I'm the new sheriff in town. I don't want to be the mayor.  You gotta be too skinny for that sh*t, plus you don't get to carry a gun. I'm gonna need it cause once those b***hs find out I'm carrying your punk a** with me the clowning is gonna begin, which reminds me of what I was talking about before I went all wild wild west on your bad cowboy black wearing a**. I was talking about being skinny  and MD3 (the oldest son) said, "you we're skinny?!?!?" My son never knew I was skinny. He's 6 there's a lot of sh*t he doesn't know. Just like you. You stupid f***ing diary. But it still caught me like Boom Boom Pow. Then I said wow. That blew my mind for a minute. I've been chubby all my kids life. And getting chubbier. MD3 is never shy to call it out. Man, that kid lacks the tact filter for sure. No clue where he gets that from. In case you/re not sure thats called sarcasm, diary. But then I was like I got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night. No, diary, there's no particular reason. I just typed out more of the song to make sure you got the point. I'm painting a picture here for you. In any case it was a good night because my cravings have seemed to have changed no thanks to you. When I want sugar, which I really don't unless I'm tempted by seeing something, fruit fills that void. None of that white stuff.  Not cocaine and no I don't have any. I thought you kicked that habit diary. Sugar is the white stuff. I've been told in it's refined state it's basically coke. Please don't try to sniff it diary. I don't have anymore money for rehab again. Also I'm sure you left the program too early. Smacky Brown. Pilbo Baggins.   But enough about you. Don't be selfish, this is my time. Talk to someone who cares about your problems. Don't call me that! What have you done to improve yourself? Nothing so shut your tattered pages the f*** up. Don't try to ruin my high cause imma be, imma be, imma be kicking yo punk a**.

March 22, Day 15, 256.4 lbs

Dear diary, 

I need to work on my expectations or I'm gonna be screwed. It's been two weeks and I'm doing OK. I've dropped a couple of pounds and... That's it. I still feel fat. I am still fat. The profile still looks the same. The belly is still dragging in the front. The belt is still getting stressed at the same hole. Why don't I look like a new man after dropping those pounds? I'll tell you why. It's because I can lose this much weight by getting the flu and lying in the bed a few days.  At least then I wouldn't be kinda hungry. Trying to do this and maintain the weight loss is a b***h. You know what I'd say next diary but I'm gonna stay serious for a moment. Diary, you're seriously a b***h. I really hate you. I think you're nice and all, but you're getting on my f***ing nerves. Actually diary, I apologize. You did nothing to deserve that last outburst. I'm just a bit emotional right now. A little off balance. I miss sugar in my life. When I first started this giving up beef was my thing. I kept eating burgers all damn day while on the road. Oh yeah. And fries. And sodas. I think the sweets helped me keep my nice disposition. You remember all the good conversations we had. The walks in the park. That time I erased all the nasty sh*t I wrote about you in the bathroom. And on your cover. The time I bought you pages to replace the ones I slowly tore out to torture you because you were being a dipsh*t, so I dipped your sh*t into a shredder while I made you watch? All of those nice times came after eating 5 scoops of cookies n cream the night before. Sweets made me sweet.  I've been able to drop them but not without noticing that they're missing. I need my brain to block them out. Blot them from my memory. I'm so glad I didn't do a lap band. One, that sh*t costs too much money. I assume they gotta charge a lot to pay for all of them damn billboards. And two, it would have been a waste of money cause I think my brain would tell me I was hungry even if they belly sent no signal. I keep thinking my brain is riding with me and it's my belly that's screwing with me, but at this moment I'm not sure. If you had a brain you'd know what I was talking about, stupid f***ing diary. The brain has helped me with the will power to get through some things like the pop tarts I was staring at all through yesterday mornings meeting. Or the pastries that my dealer brought in from Panera bread. I sat there and watched people eat the stuff right in front of me and though I wanted, I craved, I desired to grab one I didn't. I've rationalized my way through this decade of fattening to get the things that I wanted, I craved, I desired, I couldn't live without... I've gotta figure this one out. How do I get past these mixed signals. I want to lose weight. I crave to be healthy. I desire to live a long life. I can live without sugar. At least I'm pretty sure I can. I expect to live without it for the next couple of weeks at least.  F*** it diary I'm done. I've got sh*t to do. 

PS. You should know you've been no help today.  I expected more from you. You piece of fermented goat sh*t. See I told you I need to work on those. The expectations, not the cursing. B***h!

March 21, Day 14 257.8 lbs

Dear Diary, 

Yesterday was a church marathon. Sunday school at 9, service at 10:45, and another service at 5pm. Now I've never considered myself real churchy but I had a great time and had plenty of spiritual food. And I know it's ashamed to put a but after that, BUT there was even more temptation in church. After Sunday school they had doughnuts and my older son made me take him to get one.  I had only had oatmeal and toast before going, but I wasn't hungry at that point. The sugar called my name but I was cool. We had service and there were relatively few temptations, but we stayed until about 1:30 and the oatmeal was wearing thin around the edges of the belly. We got home just in time for the wife to make a chicken sandwich and some fruit. I also found out that she was in possession of some trail mix that she hadn't told me about. The nerve. She said it didn't have salt and I wouldn't like it. I know she did that on purpose. Just to spite her and eat that trail mix I should give up salt too huh? Yes? You're stupid diary. Just stick to listening, cause I'll never take your advice. Salt stays. It's the flavor that we savor up here neighbor. Is it wrong that I'm quoting a movie named Sugar Hill to say why I won't give up salt? It was a rhetorical question diary. Shut it. Back to church like I did at 5. The temptations were back. Speaking of the Temptations, ain't it ashamed that the Five Heartbeats made The Temptations movie before The Temptations could? Another rhetorical question. OK enough of that. So the Pastors message was strong as usual and there shouldn't be a but here but I need the but here to move to the next part of the sentence. Oh look at that. Guess I could have used a period. Oh well. The Pastor talked about manna from heaven. By that time I was getting kinda hungry and like Eddie Caine Jr. I was singing, "Nights like this I wish that manna would fa a a a aallll." Can't nobody sang like Eddie Caine Jr. Then the Pastor touched on a verse about the Israelites wandering the desert begging for meat. God said He'd give it to them alright. Until they were sick of it. It would come out of their nostrils and such. No diary, I'm serious. And it came out of a much better book than you, so take that for what it's worth. So I'm not begging God or His servants for no meat. As long as they keep serving up that Soul Food I'll be good.  One thing that came up during the morning service was the Pastor talking about not coming down from your high point. Funny thing was it got me where I was because in a well timed word of encouragement  someone had just told me to keep climbing that mountain (somebody also said I was smart and they always admired my drive, but I can't think of a good segue to stick that in here. See how clunky that was. Somebody reading this might forget I was talking about climbing a mountain). Or was it a Sugar Hill. Not sure but The Temptations are calling me. I need my legs strong to keep moving.  And like mama said, "Nobody's cutting off my leg. And that's that." I also need a strong heart. I need more than just Five Heartbeats, cause I gotta long time left to live. I need some Soul Food. What? You don't get it diary? What's not to get? Look, I've been going real easy on you since I still got some church on me. Don't make me act a fool. Look. We need each other. You and me, we're like fingers on a hand. One finger won't make an impact, but you ball all those fingers into a fist, and you can strike a mighty blow. Now, you and me got to be that fist. And if you keep being stupid I'm gonna take that fist and bury it in that face I drew for you on page 28. You, you, you.... Hmmm. I swear I had something for this. Come back to me later. 

March 20th, Day 13, 259.0 lbs

Dear diary,

It seems like people are reading my mind lately. Like they know my innermost thoughts and are provoking me because of it. It's almost like they read my...you. Diary, you son of a b***h, I swear if your are leaking the words I'm writing in your flimsy f***ing pages I'm gonna rip your cover off and feed it to you in bite size portions. Uh, speaking of portions check out this text message I received:

"Do you achieve weight loss when u eat a bunch of healthy foods?  Do you still need portion control?"

Guess who had the audacity to hope I wouldn't go off when they said that to me. It wasn't Barack Obama. It wasn't some alcoholic that thought Barack Obama was my uncle because of a picture of the first family that somehow made it onto my china cabinet. I have a feeling I'm gonna have to address that at some point, but not now.  It was the lovely one lashing out at me because I ate her bag of trail mix. Well believe me, I laid down the law and set her straight. I replied, "well, yes you're right honey." Boom!!! She didn't know what hit her. Then I'm at lunch and the alcoholic orders a coke knowing full well that I'm off that stuff. He proceeds to have several refills all the while burping so that I could smell his breath. How rude. You'd have thought that I ordered a bottle of wine and drank it in front of him, pouring some in his glass when he went to the restroom. Well you'd have thought right diary. I told you never to f*** with me. I should have told him too. I'll tell him when he gets out of jail. I'm not sure what made him grab that knife and run on to the floor before the Clippers game. He said he wanted courtside seats. Believe me, he'll have seats in the court fairly soon. They'll even give him a uniform. Good thing he likes orange. Before the Clippers situation, I ordered a shrimp and rice bowl. I refused to get the lunch portion just to spite the lovely one. I got the regular portion and said "I'm glad I got the regular portion because I'd have been pissed if this were any smaller." I proceeded to eat what I imagine was less than half and took the rest home to eat. The lush questioned my manhood. So did I. But I wasn't hungry anymore. Just to make sure I gave it a minute and took another bite or two but there was no room left. I was done. How's that for portion control. Yes, I know I didn't control anything but I stopped when the belly said so. So f*** you diary. Moving on. So when we were leaving the restaurant I spotted what looked like a delicious steak being served to some people in a booth. Turns out the server was picking the food up! F***ing normies wasting a perfectly good steak. She had to have eaten less than half. I'm assuming it was the ladies plate since they are so concerned about portion control and s**t like that. Right? Also, yes. Well, that's it for today diary. Ta ta for now. I've got better things to do than to talk to  piece of s**t, leather bound lunatics like you. A**hole!

PS. Oops that's not it. I came home to a chick party full of supreme and pepperoni and sausage pizza and cookies everywhere. What the he'll did I do to deserve that? I mean how f***ing petty can you be?  The bag of trail mix wasn't even full when I took it from her. Wait until she gets another bag. I'm gonna rip it from her hands like I do your pages when you're an insolent little jerk. I hate you diary. I wish you were a phonebook. You're just as useless. 

PSS. Looks like I've hit a wall with losing weight. F***. I was trying to do it as lazily as possible. By day 15 if I haven't started losing again I'm going to take drastic measures and exercise. Perhaps ride a bike while watching TV. Let's hope it doesn't come to that or its your a** diary. You too scale.

March 19th, Day 12 259.0 lbs

Dear Deadtome,
As I've tried to live up to this challenge by giving up some things, I've been awarded with other things. Like an enhanced sense of smell. All those warm cookies and cakes are devastating. An increased sense of sight. I see all of things I'm not supposed to be eating being eaten by others around me. My sense of taste has been so enhanced that I've noticed that turkey clubs from subway taste like sh***y paper from a wack a** diary that shall remain unnamed (But not for long. It's you). My sense of hearing has been enhanced as well, allowing me to hear my boss going to the break room to get his first and second soda of the morning. The cactus cooler in there is probably wondering where I've been as I was the most likely to crack its top and take it for a quick ride down my esophagus. Now I only have the pleasure of cracking you on top of your imaginary head you stupid f***ing diary. What? Diary, yes I know your sense of hearing is so strong you can hear a dog whistle. All you do is listen to peoples problems. Sometimes you even keep their secrets under lock and key. Blah, blah, blah. I get it. I also know the reason why you can hear so well. It's because you're a b***h. Lassie could hear Timmy cry from way down a well. Then he'd go rat Timmy out to his parents. You b***hes are all the same. What if Timmy didn't want to come out? But I digress...  And lastly my sense of touch. Not so much enhanced. To tell you the truth it seems to be worse. I can't touch half of the things I'd have had my hands only 13 days ago. Like the great philosopher M.C.Hammerabus said in 1990, "Can't Touch This." I'm being mocked. My enhanced senses are working against me, so I've decided to develop my sixth sense and see dead people or at least people that are dead to me. First in that category is a person that is in the midst of his own challenge. He has done remarkably well by not drinking alcohol. He is aware of my challenge and chose to send me this picture:

I responded by sending him a picture of a Tom Collins. Or should I have sent him a Mint Julep? If you watch the greatest show ever created, Archer, you'll get that. Right? This baby knows what I'm talking about. However, alcoholism is a very serious disease and I was probably wrong for that. But dammit. I'm hungry, so screw you for judging me diary. If you keep f***ing with me, I'll see you soon. With my sixth sense.

PS. Since I took a census of my senses, do I seem senseless?

PSS. I cleared this with the lush.

PSSS. I went to the bathroom while waiting to clear this with the lush and decided to weigh myself again. No change.

March 18th, day 11, 259.0 lbs

Dear Diary,
Yesterday wasn't so bad. To tell the truth I had pretty much next to no food for most of yesterday and the belly didn't really care. It was the mind. OK so let me think back to what I actually ate, because when I tell the lovely one this type of thing she always says you ate something and she is almost always right. Like "I didn't eat all day." "you sure?" "Yeah, well except for those 2 Big Mac meals, but those don't count." Then I'd remember the 2 apple pies and tell her about 1. But really, who only buys 1 apple pie? But yesterday was different. Had my apple out of the door. Smashed the little bit of trail mix that was left in the car (the other day the wife said, "so you ate all of that trail mix?" I said "no, look at that little bit left right there." She followed with  what I could only imagine was a blank stare since I  wasn't looking at her (and it makes the story better). Then she said "I bought that for me." I successfully ended the conversation with a well placed, "and?") (where the f***was I? That was a pretty long tangent and I'm pretty sure my use of parentheses would have gotten me in trouble with my English teacher, but you're not him so shut the f*** up diary. Oh yeah...the trail mix in the car), my centrum one a day vitamin (getting specific here), some  sunflower seeds (undetermined volume), and water. That was it until about 6 pm when I finally found a Taco Bell and ordered a single bean burrito (370 calories). All day long visiting dealers and working and driving. The belly didn't give me grief. It didn't even mind. But my mind minded, but that's what a mind is supposed to do.  But if that's the case and this is all in my mind I can beat this if I'm mentally strong and the belly keeps quiet. Hmmm. Maybe there are other things that are just in my mind. Like maybe you're not so bad after all diary. I may have been wrong about you.
PS. Bulls**t. I might be able to go all mind over matter and stop myself from going all crazy with food but that doesn't make you any less of a b***h diary. As I type this out I'm pressing the keys really hard and imagining that each one is pressing a knife deeper into the flesh of your pages. Each period is me twisting the blade a little. So f*** off diary.....................................................
PSS. I also had a banana.
PSSS. Then I had dinner.

March 17th, day 10. 259.4 lbs

Dearest Diary,
I've got nothing to say to you. Today is St. Patty's day and I'm thinking about hamburger patties and peppermint patties and the beer and food that all the people in green are gonna be grubbing on. Me? I'm gonna be chomping on fruit and nuts. If you had them I'd be stomping on your nuts, you fruit. F*** off diary.

March 16th, Day 9, 259.4 lbs

Dear diary,
Yesterday was temptation Tuesday. Went to lunch and the special was an open face steak sandwich. I stuck with the blackened chicken sandwich and fruit. There was candy all around. I saw these delicious shortbread cookies that I bought for people in the office at Christmas. I almost broke open a pack of pop tarts I have under my desk. The jar of jelly beans on Danielle's desk was almost too much to pass by. But I did. I got by. And no thanks to your punk a**. I remember when I did the Atkins diet all them years ago. I lost 18 lbs in 3 weeks.  I had cut out all the carbs and was playing basketball. This time I haven't cut out the carbs nor have I played basketball or done any kind of working out. Definitely haven't lost 18 lbs. But then again after I did that I gained the weight right back because that f***ing thing wasn't sustainable. Come the f*** on. Who is never gonna eat sweets again? That's not gonna be me. As soon as I've reached some sort of goal I'm gonna crack that pack of pop tarts open faster than you can say... I'm trying to think of the word you can say the fastest because I'll be faster than that, but the problem is that you can't talk. You're just a piece of s**t diary aren't you? You probably got teased for being a mute? Did you consider a career as a mime? Did the computerized cat get your tongue? Well if he did I wouldn't care because I'm pretty sure you deserved it. You...you... Funky b***h of a diary. To bring things full circle it should be noted that I'm tempted to kick your a**.
PS. And don't think I forgot about that s**t you pulled with the scale.   Keep messing around and I'm gonna step on you too. Also I'm not really sure about the pop tart, but at some point I have to introduce some kinda sweet into my diet and since those are already on hand it makes fiscal sense. Maybe I wasn't joking... I'm not sure anymore.

March 15th, Day 8. I have no idea what I weigh

Dear Diary,
I hop on the scale most days. I like to think about what I did the previous day and see what effect it had on my big a** belly and face. Cause truthfully that's where all the weight goes. The wife hates it, but I gotta do it any way. I like the feedback. Sometimes I jump off before it's done if I don't like what that muthaf***a says but I hop on nonetheless. Half the time when I have good weight loss it's just water weight I think. I might've gotten that from the wife but I can't recall. Then I have a good weekend eating a certain favorite animal of mine that chews curd, provides milk, and tastes delicious, and my fat a** is fat again along with my belly and face. But damn you diary if that's gonna happen this time. This crap better be real. Otherwise what am I doing this for. This scale better show some real f***ing results or I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna let cooler heads prevail. Even if that cool head has a fat face. For now. But you better watch your back diary. If I gained weight after eating trail mix, a banana, a chicken fajita pita, a bean burrito, and some black eyed peas with turkey yesterday, along with some water and orange juice (over the course of the day I'll tell you) I'm gonna beat the sh*t out of you and that good for nothing scale of mine too, which has held up surprisingly well since I bought it probably 7 + years ago. I've never once changed the batteries. F***. I bet it's going to die now that I said that.
PS. In addition to missing cow flesh, I also miss the cornmeal laden carcass of a catfish nicely chopped into nuggets. Family fish I'll see you soon. The wife also makes a bomb a** catfish sandwich that she should be applauded for. I'm thinking about it too much now. This is gonna be a long day.
PSS. 260.6 lbs you son of a b***h

March 14th, day 7. 260.4 lbs

Dear diary,
It's been a week. So f***ing what. There are still more than three weeks left in this stupid, self imposed challenge. I was asked yesterday if I was on a diet. If I were thinking quick enough I'd have said, "no, not at all. I'm on a liveit." Then I could have blown their mind with my positive thoughts about my major life change and great feelings about it. But to tell the truth I'm just waiting for the time to pass until I am reunited with a steak. Or a carne asada burrito from Isaac's. But yes it feels better to try to eat healthier, knowing that it may slow down or prevent my once inevitable trip to the fat farm. Also knowing that diabetes runs in my family and my fat a** belly makes me a prime candidate to carry on the tradition is motivation to take this seriously. And believe me this feels like a major life change even if this has only been a week. I have this empty feeling inside me even after eating that bomb a** bowl of wonton soup. The yogurt is great but... The organic trail mix and fruit is filling...for about 5 minutes. I can drink water all day long, but I miss the fizz. I need a f***ing steak and some soda. But I need to not die because I'm a fat a** a little bit more. So once again, f*** you diary for depressing me.
PS. Did you know that diary is almost spelled like dairy? I may have to go and investigate some fat free or low fat ice cream to see if it can get me through the lonely nights.

March 13th. Day 6. 261 lbs

Dear MFing diary,
When were you gonna tell me that this would be so hard? Yesterday at the zoo the smells of kettle corn and churros had me going crazy. I suspended the challenge mid day so I could take advantage and get some cotton candy. But I'll be damned if I couldn't find some. I had a churro which turned into two when Trina gave hers up. Oh yeah I had some fries too. Hell if you had to pay $8 for a sandwich you'd have eaten the fries too just to make sure you got your monies worth. Plus today I had a cupcake.  It was homemade and it was for my kids birthday. What kind of a**hole passes on a cupcake to celebrate his kids birthday. But they still count as indiscretions so I will make up for them. So today for lunch I'm having a big bowl of wonton soup, with chicken broth, some crazy noodles that my wife cooked but didnt like, some not fried stir fry and some shrimp. Better than yesterday for sure. Plus we drove thru McDonalds again to get the kids some nuggets (see a pattern here?). When I was getting them their grub I was tempted to lick my fingers and sneak  some fries or nuggets, but my guilt got the best of me. Either that or it was will power, which I've never cared to have anyway. But to tell the truth I'm still eating better than I was a week ago so who are you to try and lay a guilt trip on me. F*** off diary.
PS: the small portion of sausage I had yesterday gave me momentary heartburn so I guess karma is real and it's a b***h just like you diary.

March 12th day 5.

Dear Diary,
Ok so it appears that hot wings are fried, as well are french fries, even if they are covered in cheese. Temptation reared it's ugly head as I stopped at islands to take food to my dealers on Friday. I got a no frills turkey burger. They had avocado and bacon covered burgers along with hot wings and cheddar fries. I had 2 hot wings before thinking, "damn are these fried?" I knew the one cheese covered fry I ate was fried. I felt guilty and sent a message to the wife informing her of my transgression. I also ate another apple to repent. So today we're headed to the zoo. We stopped at McDonalds to fill the kids up and I had the oatmeal. Not bad at all. I'm sure I'll be having it again soon. The boy didn't finish his hotcakes and sausage and she asked if I wanted the rest. Now please note that I made no commitment in regards to pork. In fact it is the other white meat. Couldn't get further from red, but I still caught some heat from the lovely one when she saw that I had maybe half of a sausage patty. Screw you temptation. Well we're off to waste an incredible amount of money in San Diego after which we won't be able to afford breakfast anymore so I should be ok.

March 11: day 4: 261.4 lbs

Dear Diary,
I miss beef and cakes. But don't be confused I don't miss beefcakes. Never had one and never will, because that would be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I digress. I think I'll make it thru as long as I take this one meal at a time. Sodas are easy to give up and I have quit many times, but my dear succulent beef, I long to chew you up and have you travel my entrails for a week. We will be together soon, just not nearly as often. And when we are, I imagine that you'll need to be in steak form, because why should I waste my time with a burger, right? Cookies, I saw you yesterday and though I could smell your sugary goodness I walked away, though I'm sure a small bite would not have hurt. The problem is there is no such thing as a small bite of you. I f***ing hate that you taste so good. Moderation where are you so that I might enjoy the fruits of your labor. Hey. Fruits been good to me this week. The trail mix was great too. I think I enjoy pistachios but I'm pretty sure as good as they tasted they'd eventually try to kill me. F***ing legumes.

March 8th. 30 days. 265.4 lbs

No red meat
No soda
No candies
No cakes 
No fried foods