January 31, 2014, 237.3 lbs

Dear Diary,

Huh? Yeah the weight is right. Just seems like it's stuck in place. It was actually a little higher yesterday. Why didn't I tell you? Because f*** you. That's why. Look. I don't have time to be telling you every little thing I do and every little thing I eat; even if it is delicious. Ok yes. I had bundts this week. I mean they had zesty f***in orange man. What do you expect me to do? Ignore that!?! Also yes, I had some that Betty made too. And sloppy joes. And Cheesecake Factory too. Ok. Are you happy? Yeah b***h! 

Well I am too. Kinda. My weight has been in check even though I ate all the stuff so that's a reason to celebrate. Another reason to celebrate is the fact that I just finished running/walking 100 miles in January. That's more than twice the amount I had ever done in a month. And more than I had done in some combined years. Plus I did a good chunk of it jogging. Gotta say that I'm pleased. Just not satisfied. That's where the kinda gets added to the happy. I guess it's the curse of competitiveness and the fact that there was no finish line. Just more miles to run. F***. 

January 28, 2014, 237.3 lbs

Dear diary,
Things are going well. Weight's going down on the scale. Trying to look good, but pretty hurts. I don't want to be haunted by memories of things that I could have done better, so I try and run hard. Sometimes it makes me want to drink, cause I'd have to be drunk in love to be happy when jogging. But I keep doing it because I don't want to blow the gains I've made because of it. They are like heaven. And you don't have to tell me. I'm no angel but I'm trying to be better. Somebod yonce told me to put up a partition between the fat Mike and the skinnier version, then don't look back. Don't be jealous a**hole. I'm not gonna rocket away from your dumb a**, but these goals are mine and who else is gonna help me reach them but me. Ok, yes. And Beyoncé. Look she ain't flawless, but she helped me power through this mornings run like I had a superpower.

Thanks Beyoncé, XO

PS. Can't wait to get my blue fly knit air max when I hit 100 miles.

January 26, 2014, 237.3 lbs

Dear Diary,
This was it. This was the day I stopped running. Hey! Don't be so giddy a**hole. We knew it had to come someday. I was pushing myself pretty hard. Yesterday I did more than 10 miles and this morning I eventually did 5. That put me up to 80 miles for the month and has me on pace to meet my goal of 100 by going 4 miles a day through Friday. Manageable enough. So we can agree that the time was not as important as miles. Excuse me a**hole!?! I said we can agree...Thank you! With all that said, I felt guilty about walking. Whenever I got the time or distance reminder and it told me about the pace I was going I got mad and felt like running. I had made a conscious decision to walk today and save my body some wear and tear while still getting my miles in. By time I made it to the final stretch of the walk and was concerned about the pace, T.I.'s you ain't missin nothin came on and it said,

                                 I know the time seem long, just try and keep strong

                                 Put on ya headphones and rewind this song

                                 Remember you ain't missin' nothin', homes

                                 I promise you ain't missin' nothin', homes

That did it for me. I finished my walk at a leisurely pace and got home in time to tell you to f*** off. You have to be grateful for the little things. Ha! Don't say it...

January 24, 2014, 235.2 lbs

Dear Diary,
Its funny how you can use almost anything to justify what you want to do. Take this morning for instance. I hopped on the scale and saw the numbers go down. I could have used that as an excuse to take a break. A reward for a job well done. Instead I chose to celebrate by getting out there and running again. I came up short of my best mile by a few seconds and I did not beat my best overall pace. And thats just fine. I've gone for almost 65 miles so far this month, so f*** you! Who can break records every time they go out? Huh? It was a rhetorical question a**hole and those weren't the kind of records I was talking about. But since you brought it up, yes I am somewhat sorry about your record collection. You have to admit though you didn't really have the best taste in music. Uh, yeah. That would be my justification. B***h.

January 23, 2013, 237.0

Dear Diary,
You know how they say a body in motion tends to stay in motion and a body at rest tends to stay at rest? Yeah, inertia. Well that s**t didn't really apply to me today. I've been in motion walking and jogging for the last 10 days straight, but today I didn't want to keep going. I motioned towards the front door when I really wanted to go back to sleep. But a funny thing happened. Huh? Not that funny a**hole. I went out the door. And when l got out there I jogged my best timed mile, even though I spent the first few seconds telling myself I was just going to walk today. As I turned the corner I just started jogging and inertia took over. At least for that first mile. Huh? Ok fine, yes I only beat my best time by a second, but... f*** you. I'll take whatever victory I can get, even if its only me beating myself. And you better hope that doesn't stop, because if it does I'm gonna start beating your punk a**. And you know what they say about a body in motion...

January 22, 2014, 236.9 lbs

Dear Diary,
I hate jogging, but I love what it does for me. I assume that its similar to the feeling some wives have about their husbands. Huh? Nope. No further explanation needed.

January 21, 2014, 238.5 lbs

Dear Diary,
Remember Rocky and Bullwinkle? You would probably be that little Russian Boris to my cool a** Rocky. You could never foil me. And I know you'd try. Bastard. Anyway, all of their episodes always had two titles. If this were one of those episodes, the first title would be: Taking it all in Stride. The alternate title would be: F*** you Diary. Huh? Well yeah, the alternate title is really the unspoken title I use daily. Thats why it makes sense to do it. What doesn't make sense is the scale going up the way it did yesterday. I'm not saying I did things perfectly, but I didn't do 2 lbs worth of damage. I'm not going to dwell on it too much because at the end of the day, it was probably water weight. Huh? Also yes, at the end of the day, the day is over. Ha. Yeah, I hate when people say that too. You just have to take it all in stride, which is what I did today. I got out early to get my work out in. Huh? Yes it was before dawn, but it was not a Red Dawn. Idiot. I'm not going to pay attention to you. However, I paid attention to my stride and jogged a little better. I tried to stride right. Um, no or to put it into a language you can understand comrade, nyet. Two things. Thats not how you spell the shoe company and they don't make mens shoes. Yes I checked. Also don't you realize how hard it would be to run in those things? Hard bottoms and such. Look. I don't have time to school you on striding. Huh? Well yeah, that would be because I don't really know all there is to know about it. What I do know is that its time to make use of that alternate title. You little commie f***. Where's the hammer that I use when I'm getting sickle of you? Get it? Of course not. How do you say stupid in Russian?

January 18, 2014, 238.8 lbs

Dear Diary, 
Its Saturday morning, but that didn't stop me from getting up and getting it in. Huh? What does TLO have to do with this? Oh...I was trying to yell at you, but that was really not a stretch of the imagination to think that I would say that, so I'll give you a pass. What I got in was a morning walk-a-jog-magig. Not really sure what to call it. I'm just doing it. Huh? Why would I have to pay Nike for anything other than shoes? Oh...I wasn't trying to make a Nike pun there, but seeing as how I own about a hundred pairs I could see how you might think that was the case. Another pass for you. Well, anyway I went out for the 5th day in a row and though my time was a little slower than the last couple of days, my distance was longer. And dammit, I feel good... Um...Nothing? The one muthaf***in time I WAS making a pun and you don't notice? That doesn't feel good. A**hole.

January 17, 2013, 238.4 lbs

Dear Diary,
Woke up late and didn't have time to run. But I did anyway. And yeah I meant run, well really jog. I jogged my first mile and missed my best mile by a few seconds. I had to cut it short though. This is my fourth day in a row going out there, so I'll have to deal with the traffic for getting out a little later. Don't really want to. But I'll do it anyway.  Its amazing what you'll do to keep a streak going. Speaking of streaks, what the hell did you do with your hair? You know what?!?! I don't care. Don't have the time to deal with you. Just like I cut my run short, I have to cut this po... 

January 16, 2014, 239.0

Dear Diary,
I'm better than Kanye West. Thank yo...Hold up, let me finish! Went out for 3 more miles today and listened to College Dropout. Kanye said Jesus Walks with him. I got him to jog with me. Jogged more than walked today, and it felt good. I  still hate jogging, but its less than I hate you. And don't worry about why. I'm still trying to work out my issues. And thats a great segue to my finishing up my walk this morning listening to Kanye's Workout Plan. It was fun, but it was more for the ladies. Maybe since he is hooked up with Kim Kardashian, they can update the work out plan and maybe even release a video. Huh? Oh yeah. She does have a work out video with Ray J. Um, this is awkward... Kanye shrug ---> ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

January 15, 2014, 240.1 lbs

Dear Diary,
Today I went for a...What do mean where have I been? Look I don't have time for small talk. I was trying to tell you that I went for a walk and ended up jogging. I was out communing with God in the quiet and darkness of the early morning. Huh? Well yes. Him and Kendrick Lamar, but they are far from the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know Kendrick says a prayer or two on his CD but I wouldn't call it anything close. Just like walking and running aren't the same. I started out walking and I mixed in some jogging. Now you should know that jogging isn't my favorite thing in the world so if I do it, and thats a big if, I do it in small spurts. Now I've been building up over the last few days and each day I jog a little further. But since I still hate it, I have to convince myself to keep going. Huh? Yeah kinda like I have to convince myself to talk to you. Believe me, its a struggle. I will look at light poles and bargain with myself to keep running to the next one if its not too far and I think I can make it. In the dark it works pretty well since the light casts a perfectly straight line that I use for starts and finishes.Well today I was doing pretty well. I kept going past several light poles even though I wanted to quit. When I renewed my commitment to make it to the next light pole, I figured that I made one commitment too many. Didn't think I was gonna be able to keep it. Huh? No you a**. The commitment I made to TLO is safe. That thing is for life. And yes by that I mean as long as she lets me live. I'm pretty sure she wants to kill me for the insurance money, but thats for another day. Today, I thought I was going to give up on that latest commitment, as the path ahead was too dark. I didn't think I could keep running until I reached the next light pole which was too far ahead. It was at the moment that I was ready to stop, that a light pole that I had not seen, that was previously off, turned on and burned bright. I was shocked. I was happy. I was overcome by emotion and full of joy. I was gonna keep running. And I did. It was like Divine Providence. Scratch that. It was Divine Providence. God was with me and helping me to go a little further. Yea, though I walked through the streets of darkness, I shall fear no...What? Ok no, it wasn't a miracle of biblical proportions, but it was big for me. Kinda like Footprints. Ok, no there were not two sets of footprints. Actually there weren't even a single set, so you can prove who was with me. And yes most of the time, the only voice I heard was Kendrick's. You know what?!!? You are a killjoy. Don't mess this up for me. Fine! It wasn't exactly anything like Footprints, but I know it was He who carried me through. It became pretty obvious when that light came on. Huh? Did I keep running the rest of the way after that? Are you crazy? I told you I hate jogging. Idiot.