December 26, 249.6 lbs, 31.8% BF

Dear Diary,
I am officially fat again. Huh? Well I don't know if I was ever unfat, but I had made so much progress. Even though I wasn't talking to you and don't get me started on that, it was your fault a**hole, I was keeping track of my weight. In this calendar year I have not weighed less than 230. And I haven't been in the 220's for over a year since the surgery. I wish I could blame it on my thyroid, or lack thereof, but I can't. My numbers are right. Huh? No I'm not talking about my weight. You are still as stupid as you were last year. But I'm not as light. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Relatively speaking. I figured I'd rededicate myself after I saw the scale hit 246.6, but the holidays hit and I did what I do best. Eat. And sit. I got worse. I gotta get better. I need to try to end this year the way I rang it in. No! And for the last time I would never sit in a pool of my own vomit. Not someone else's either. You can be such a f***ing jerk. I need to end this year in the 230's. After all the success I had in 2011, I'd have to say 2012 was a f***ing disaster, and it was all my fault. I wish I could blame it on the Mayans. F*** you and them.

November 13, 245.0 lbs

Dear Diary,
Ok. One day down, the rest of my f**king life to go. Yesterday wasn't too tough. Huh? No. That's not some sort of code. The turkey wings were just fine. And don't start making jokes about the wings flying off the plate or I'll... Wow. You really did that huh? Well let me tell you what I did. More house crap. But that house crap included getting my weight bench set up. Huh? Of course not. Who had the time to lift weights after all that. I'm headed in the right direction though. B***h.

November 12, 246.6 lbs

Dear Diary,
What's up? Guess what I don't care. It's still all about me. The problem is there is a lot more of me than when we last spoke. I've been on a bad path for a while. I think it goes back to us putting our house on the market and me focusing on moving and finding a new place. Then we sold the house, bought a new one and moved. Then my focus was on getting settled in. Surprisingly at that point my focus was on anything but me. I had my family and their comfort to worry about. I didn't have time to worry about me being comforted by food and junk. I could always workout is what I told myself. I just never did it. Things had changed from what they were just a few months before. My address. My good habits. My weight. My scale. Huh? Yeah f**k him. He's been replaced. You better watch your a** cause you could be next. What didn't change is my boy telling the truth. Just the other day he said he wanted to be fat when he got older. It didn't take a lot to figure out that he was saying he wanted to be like me. Huh? No a** hole. That's not sweet. It's a damned shame. My kid should want to be chiseled and smart and good looking like his dad. Hold on! Don't you f**king interrupt me unless you're gonna say I've got 2 of the 3 down. Oh. So now you have nothing to say huh?

June 19, Day 22, 242.0 lbs

Dear Diary,
Happy Juneteenth! Freedom from slavery is a wonderful thing. I'm trying to be free from the crap that shackles me. Its getting pretty annoying to work my a** off (and before you ask, no, not literally) all week and then end up in the same place or worse after a brief f*** up. I feel like I work all week to escape from the plantation, but I keep getting tracked down and put right back in my chains. And don't get me wrong, though I'd love to blame this one you, I know this is my own doing. I also know I'm the only that can set me free. Huh? No. I am not the master of my own domain. Thats something else entirely. And yeah, actually I am.

June 18, Day 21, 242.6 lbs

Dear Diary,
So three weeks in to my comeback I weigh more than when I started. I haven't even compared this to last year, but this sucks even compared to last week. I spent this past weekend hanging with some buddies drinking, smoking cigars, talking s**t and eating. Yeah, I know. The f***ing life. But life isn't grand when it causes you to tip the scales like this. I'm still on the workout tip, but I have to hit it harder. I'm convinced that my body is working against me right now with all of the cravings and the retaining of the crap I put into it. I didn't mean for that s**t to stay! That whole junk in junk out saying doesn't really apply to diets. F***ing charcuterie.

June 14, Day 17, 240.8 lbs

Dear Diary,
Yesterday was my first day of eating and no kind of exercise in a while, and I paid for it. Huh. Yeah a**. I always pay for my meals. I was talking figuratively. Huh? No, I'm actually talking. Figuratively is... You know what? Shut the f*** up idiot. I'd stuff a crepe in your mouth if you had one. Hell if I had one for that matter. Huh? No a**hole. I had a mouth. I'm talking about a crepe. I do see how that could be confusing, but damn. You remain an idiot. I guess I could be an idiot myself, but I'm not. You are an idiot because you do idiotic things. I on the other hand make smart decisions because I can see the desired outcome of them. I knew that eating that crepe carbona and the bolero last night was gonna tip the scales, so no surprise there. I did it anyway; even though I knew I wasn't gonna get a work out in. Huh? Yeah. That does sound pretty idiotic. F***.

June 12, Day 15, 238.8 lbs

Dear Diary,
I f***ing hate treadmills. It's like you're going nowhere fast. Running in place is a waste of f***ing time. Huh? Ok fine it can help you lose weight, but it feels like I'm not going anywhere. Huh? Well yeah I know thats the point, but...f***k you. I wasn't on a treadmill anyway. My point is that my weight loss feels like a treadmill. I'm doing a bunch of s**t but not getting anywhere. Just spinning my damn wheels. I know that if I get to a place where I can gain some traction I'm gonna take off, but until then I guess I'll just stay here and insult you. F***ing douchebag.

June 11, Day 14, 239.0 lbs

Dear Dairy,
Huh?? F*** I know I took a few days off. Just from you though. I've still been working. Things have been crazy. Insane might be the better word. Insanity to be exact. Me TLO and my sister in law started tackling that that last week. I did the whole passing out thing on night one, but I didn't have any more of those issues going forward. I did have some issues getting though all of the workouts, but I will. I think its  already having some positive effects even though I'm not losing weight at the moment. I was able to power through my last walk at a pretty good pace compared to my previous walk before I started this. So i think there is some slight improvement in cardio and strength. And to tell the truth on the weight, huh? NO! Power walking is not for women! I didn't even say that I was power walking. Read it again a**hole. Its not like my hands are flailing about and I'm switching up and down the street. Its called walking fast you dips**t. Now shut the f*** up, before I power my foot up your a**.

June 6, Day 9, 237.8 lbs

Dear Diary,
Night two of insanity passed without me passing out. I was looking forward to the darkness, but no. I just proceeded to cool down like normal people do after a workout. I'd like to make that a habit. But making things habits takes so long. I guess that's alright. Especially if this habit helps me to keep losing weight. It's not like I have anything to do, right? Right? Answer me a**hole! It's not a rhetorical question. Seriously. What's my schedule look like? I'm too f***ing tired to look. I should have gotten more rest when I was done not throwing up.

June 5, Day 8, 238.4 lbs

Dear Diary,

Last night I did the insanity fit test. I made it through, but just barely. I did better than the last time, but when it was all over I felt myself blacking out. I was prepared for it or at least I thought I was. I mean its happened before after I've gotten a good cardio workout in. Its not like I'm in the best of shape, so when I do something my body isn't used to it just shuts down like the a**hole it is. Huh? Its kinda like the blue screen of death on an old Windows PC, or the Red  Ring of death on an xbox. Whatever you want to compare the blacking out to, the point is that its almost inevitable. To try to prevent the inevitable, I armed myself with a protein shake as soon as I was done and got into a position where I could breathe. It didn't matter. I could see, and feel, the darkness coming. I tried to fight it. Then I didn't. I know that everyone talks about not going into the light, so I figured the darkness has to be the opposite. I said f*** it and laid back. I was only out for a minute, if that, but it felt like so much more. It felt like my computer was reset or something and I had a clean slate. I was well rested and felt like I was at peace.  Here is to making progress. And giving into the darkness. Serenity now... Insanity later. Tomorrow actually. B***h.

June 4, Day 7, 240.2 lbs (the end of a wasted week)

Dear Diary,

There is nothing worse than following a success with a failure. Huh? F***. I hate when you're right. There is noting worse than following a failure with a failure, but at least that shows a determination to succeed. Ok, I'll try again. There is nothing more PATHETIC than following a success with a failure. It means you've bought your own hype... you got sucked into the gravity of your own reality distortion field. I mean, I knew that after yesterdays walk and amazing weigh in that the body was going to snatch back all that it could to return to "normal", whatever the f*** that means. I mean, I had seen it in the past. Only a fool doesn't learn from his mistakes. But a fool I am. The pathetic part is that this fool helped it and made it worse than it should have been. I had a burger and fries for lunch. I didn't think that was a great move so I decided to finished the day with fruit and a workout. That didn't really work out. Though I passed on going to the donut shop with TLO and the kids so I could go home and eat an apple and a banana, I failed my next test. I initially declined a piece of apple pie that TLO brought home. She pulled one of my moves. The slice was $4 so it made more sense to buy the whole thing. Then she started talking about us starting insanity and not wanting to have it around. F***. With that sexy logic I couldn't pass it up. Then later that night I had another slice too, even though I knew I was f***ing up. Oh well, there is no one to blame but myself. And the scale. And you, you a**hole. Where were you when I needed you?

June 3, Day 6, 236.4 lbs

Dear Diary,
I got out and beat the streets today. Did 9.67 miles in 2:40 minutes. Had to do it to offset the coffee cake I ate when TLO made brunch yesterday. Also the BBQ I had to end the day. Too tired to talk s**t. Bye.

June 2, Day 5, 239.2 lbs

Dear Diary,
Well I had my first increase since I got started again. And for the life of me I can't figure out why. Maybe a lack of rest. I was up pretty late and then up pretty early. I did sit ups last night then hit the bike for about 12 miles this morning before the disappointing weigh in. I could be angry but I'm taking it all in stride. Last year I was talking about hitting a new low. I can't be proud of the fact that I'm still below that number. Can't say that I will be tomorrow. It all depends on that a**hole of a scale. I hate leaving my fate in its hands. I better do something about it.

June 1, Day 4, 238.8 lbs

Dear Diary,
I know I said I didn't want to keep talking about zombies and what I am now convinced might maybe be the start of the zombie apocalypse, but this crap won't go away. Yesterday there was a story about some idiot that ate his roommates brain and heart. And I'm not talking about his roommate had some in the fridge and this a**hole had his way with it. I mean this guy dismembered his roommate and went to town. Who does that s**t? I mean you might eat their pizza. Maybe their red velvet cake if you're bring brave or you're drunk. But their heart? Thats just too much. Are those body parts low in fat? Is this some sort of new fad diet? Huh? Nope. I don't think this is Paleo. Even if they are and it is, I'm just gonna stick to what I've been doing. I had been hitting up Subway for lunch a lot lately. Their smokehouse BBQ chicken sandwich was the business. I was even eating it for breakfast. I say was because I just found out they took it of the menu.  Come to find out those heartless a**holes weren't joking when they said it was for a limited time only. It was so popular it sold out in a lot of locations. If I walked into one with out it, I walked right out empty handed. How could they get rid of their greatest creation ever. Have those heartless bastards lost their minds? Huh? No I don't know who there roommate was. Why? Oh...

May 31, Day 3, 239.4 lbs

Dear Diary,
I've taken to walking to help get rid of the dead weight. Huh? I said nothing about the walking dead. And don't go there. With the recent news out of Miami I'm starting to fear that the zombie apocalypse is upon us. So of course there is no better reason to get in shape. The fat guys always get eaten by the zombies. And thats why I avoided the sweets that littered my office yesterday. F***ing Panera Bread everywhere. I need to be sleek to get away from the geeks. To that end I walked 3 miles last night and rode the exercise bike for 10 miles this morning. I'm trying to get it together before the world falls to pieces, like my half dead scale. Huh? Naw, you don't think...

May 30, Day 2, 240.4 lbs

Dear Diary,
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. I am not love. I am not patient. This half a pound a day loss after riding the bike for 25 miles in 90 minutes is gonna piss me off. Huh? Shut up! I know it adds up to 3.5 lbs a week. I can do the math you idiot, which brings me to my next point. I am not kind. No need to expound on that. I am envious. I hate seeing people do better than me. Though I want a six pack of my own, I'm envious of anyone that has one. Huh? Yeah, that does actually include six packs of beer. I am boastful. You better believe it. If I lost a pound or two I'd be talking major crap. And yeah, I'd be proud of that so go love yourself. A**hole.

May 29, Day 1, 241.0 lbs

Dearest Diary,
Day 1 is almost in the books and I have to say that I think I did ok. Started the morning with coffee, a banana and a rice cake. No muthaf***a I said rice cake, not birthday cake. I don't even think that s**t sounded anything close. But speaking of birthdays, there was a birthday lunch for a friend in the office and I ate fish. Had some almonds for an afternoon snack and then came home for dinner. Grilled fish and spaghetti. Huh? Uh no. I'm not gonna tell you what I ate for every meal each day. That would be annoying and highly uninteresting. And yes, also stupid. I just told you because I'm trying to set the tone for healthier eating. Also trying to set the tone for a decease in weight. Cause if I gain tomorrow after passing up cakes and s**t and having a mini workout this morning and another regular workout now I'm gonna be pretty f***ing pissed. And I have no one to take it out on but you. The scale is still halfway broke so there is no further use in threatening it. You on the other hand...

May 28, Day 0, 240.2 lbs

Dear Diary,
What's up b***h? You missed me huh? Can't say I've missed you. Huh? Yeah funny. Can't say I've missed any meals either. Touché. I can say that I've missed a lot of exercising and it's caught up with me. I've gained back a bunch of weight. The one positive thing I can say is that I think I'm wearing the weight better this time around and I weigh less today than I did a year ago. And before you say it, I know that was two things you f***ing douche. At least at that point I was on the way down instead of going up like a damned hot air balloon. After multiple trips to Vegas and the holidays, I'm back to a place I never thought I'd be. I thought all of the good habits I created would protect me from a relapse. Nope. F***. So I'm back. Back to pick up where I left off. Back to trying to do things right. Back to trying to do things in writing since it worked so well the last time out. Back to your punk a**. You better f***ing deliver. Huh? No I don't want pizza you a**hole.
PS. I expect to go up tomorrow.

March 8, 2012, Day 366, 237.2 lbs

Dear Diary,
Happy Anniversary a**hole! A year ago today I decided to eat better. It took a little while longer to decide to exercise, but I eventually got there. And when I did I lost pretty good weight. I've had some ups and downs over the year, but I've kept most of what I lost off. Problem is lately I've had a few more ups than downs. There have been some casualties along the way. Donuts and cake, and all manners of sweets have fallen victim to my fork far too often. Huh? No a**. Who eats donuts with a fork? Yeah I know I said it. Moving on. See this is why I haven't spoken to you in so long. The scale was damaged by the kids so there is no way I can trust the body fat again. Huh? Yeah I'm pretty sure it was Myles too. But I continue to try to do what is right. I've realized that losing weight is like my golf game. It sucks. I can be having a decent day, but then I have a blow up hole and it ruins my round. Huh? Well mulligans don't really transfer to real life. I can't just get a do over and act like I didn't eat those donuts. Also, can you just shut the f*** up and let me finish my story?! As I was saying this is like golf. I have so much potential. I just need to change up my approach. Its a mental game, but it also takes physical discipline. I have my mind right. I mean I don't even think about doing some of the things I did over a year ago. Its just crazy to think that I used to eat a McDonalds 3 times in a day. I haven't been there in forever. I think about calories and healthiness of the things I put into my body. Even though I've gained about 12 back of the 40 I lost, I'm eating much better now. I just need to get the physical part back in line. Huh? Well, yeah I've been exercising most of the time through. Maybe not just with the right intensity or the right moves. I'll get it right though. I'm just gonna keep playing through... What? Did you get that? Playing through? Its another golf reference. Huh? Keep talking s**t and I'm gonna play my foot right through your a**.

January 18, Day 317, 231.8 lbs, 33.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I've been working hard. Some jogging, weight lifting, bike riding. Hell I rode 23 miles this morning. Now if I can get the diet in line I can keep it up. I've already shown that I can beat meat. Now I need to beat sugar. Huh? Don't call me rude boy, but yeah, I will get it, I mean keep it up. Thanks to my little blue pill. Even after an intense workout I'm able to stand erect for hours after I've reached my peak. Huh? Ok fine. I'll call it my climax. I'm not sure that makes a difference. We're both coming to the same point. Yes, I'm sure I spelled coming correctly. Don't you have spell check? Huh? I see no reason to call a doctor for any of this. There is no dysfunction. Why do you ask? Viagra!?! Oh f***, you're nasty. This is for my thyroid you a** hole.

January 12, Day 311, 231.6 lbs, 36% bf

Dear Diary,
As I finished typing the title for todays post I almost typed BFF. Then I started to wonder if you were mine. I mean I tell you all of my deep dark secrets. Well almost all. I didn't tell you that I decided to search for those donuts. The place I had a lead on didn't pan out. I figured that had to be a message from God that I didn't need them. As I was leaving the parking lot I saw a Hostess Bakery Outlet just across the street. I figured that had to be the devil calling. And you know thats crazy. I never blame that dude for my shortcomings. Huh? You know what the f*** I did. I answered. As I pulled into the parking lot feeling ashamed that I couldn't help myself, I was thinking that this must be fate and I was powerless against that kinda s**t. As I walked into the doors of the place, and this is no lie, Let's Get It On starts playing. And you know I had been trying to hold back that feeling for so long. I just knew I was gonna get me some. Huh? Donuts, you a**. It had to be the case. But alas, there were none of the donuts I sought. At least I didn't succumb to all of the tasty treats that lined the walls of the place. Huh? Ok yeah. It was only because I had bought some cupcakes at the place across the street. Actually this brings us full circle to the BFF s**t. Almost immediately after I wondered if you were my BFF, I said f*** no. You're an a**hole. Why would you call me out on my snacks you punk. You know I'm working on getting right and you're really no help at all. My bike is a much better friend. Thats why I rode it 23 miles this morning. It never talks back like you. BFF. More like BFB. Huh? You're stupid too? Big F***ing B****! You're the worst friend ever! Talk to you tomorrow!

January 11, Day 310, 233.2 lbs, 35% bf

Dear Diary,
I've been really tryin' baby. Tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long. And if you feel like I feel baby, c'mon, huh? No really huh? Are you really trying to interrupt this? What do you have to say that's so important? Huh? Nope. Don't try to turn this around on me. Not that what I have to say matters, but I'm the person here. Not you. F***. Sometimes I get really tired of you. Actually I'm just tired all of the time. No. Not about you. Not everything is about you. Can we focus on me for a minute you selfish bastard? Thank you. Now these feelings I've been trying to hold back are... What?!?! Yes I have feelings. I just don't give a f*** about yours. Huh? No We are not all sensitive people. You're not even a person a**hole! Damn. Now, I've been feeling tired and even though I've gotten in a few good workouts they've all been on the weekend. In the morning. By time I get home from work in the evenings I've been drained. I miss having energy and feeling good. Don't you know how sweet and wonderful life would be if I felt good all the time? So I decided to get up early and work out every morning. I got up at 4 this morning and rode the bike 22 miles then hit some push ups and sit ups before hitting the shower and the road. I felt good. Don't say that you knew that I would or we're gonna fight... Ok that did it. Let's get it on!

January 6, Day 305, 234.2 lbs, 34.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I realize that I've been going about the weight loss thing very casually. It's time to get serious. So here we go. Yesterday my caloric intake was greater than my calories burned. I believe that my meal choices yesterday were chosen wisely, with the intention of limiting calories and providing the energy needed for a brisk evening workout. Though I engaged in an allegedly light dessert prepared by my mother-in-law, I had planned to work out vigorously upon my return home. Excuse me? Please hold all questions until the end, at which time we will have a question-and-answer session. Thank you. As I was attempting to note, those attempts were thwarted by my attempts to soothe a crying child. As said child entered a state of sleep, I did as well. As a result of my actions heretofore, my weight, as judged by the scale, which is located in my home, increased. Forthwith, any attempts to locate a certain confection which was previously obsessed over will be summarily suspended until, and unless, I deem otherwise. That is all. Questions? The chair recognizes the Diary.... Yes. That means that I will consume a donut if I choose. Yes. My understanding of the situation would reveal that that is less than an optimal choice. Yes, I will have to increase my workout intensity and frequency. No more questions. Please ram your innards without love for noticing. Anal orifice.

January 5, Day 304, 233.6 lbs, 33.5% bf

Dear Diary,

I think I've said before that even though I've lost a few pounds, there is still a fat guy inside of me. Why are you laughing? Oh, you know what? F*** you. Allow me to restate.  I'm still a guy with fat tendencies. Some days I'm better at fighting them than others. You know things are bad when after an hour long bike ride you are thinking I'd give up all of this weight I've lost for a night full of Hostess Raspberry Filled Powdered donuts. It's a damn good thing for me that they no longer exist. Huh? Yeah I'm sure they don't exist. I searched for them for years. Grocery stores, 99 Cent Stores, thrift shops, the Hostess website. I figured someone had a stash they were looking to make a killing on. And yes, I am being literal. I even wrote to Hostess to find out. The told me they didn't make them anymore and sent me a little coupon for some other product. Even now I pass the snack shelf at the store and take a look to make sure they haven't reappeared for some sort of celebration. But no. And no, there is no acceptable substitute. Especially not the banana I ate shortly after I had the feeling. Talk about being disappointed... I wasn't being literal. Please shut the f*** up. Ok. Fine. Speak. What? Don't you f***ing lie to me. 

Ok. This is really f***ing disappointing. I guess I should be glad you found them, but I'm not.  Especially after working out and gaining weight. I don't give a f*** it its water weight or muscle. I'm just inconsolable. Maybe they will just send me one donut, that I might be comforted. F***. This is crazier than The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Knulla dig Kalle Diary. 

January 4, Day 303, 232.6 lbs, 36.5% bf

Dear Douchebag,
Huh? No I'm not talking to myself. But yeah I guess I could be. I said that I would be making an effort to do something daily and I did. Huh? I did more than make an effort. I actually knocked out some sit ups. The problem is that I did them while watching a movie that had subtitles. Then I fell asleep on the floor. Huh? Ok. I'll take that. Douchebags do watch foreign movies with subtitles. Subtitled movies don't do much to help your workout. You have to constantly stare at the screen and can't concentrate on the sit up. Huh? Oh. I guess I could have rode the bike. F***. Where we're all of your bright ideas last night? Huh? You have another job?!? And why do your pages smell like vinegar? I knew it. You are a f***ing douchebag. I didn't know it was literal though. Wow.

January 3, Day 302, 232.2 lbs, 36% bf

Dear Diary,
It's a new year and I've got a new attitude. Huh? Well actually you're right. It's the same s**tty attitude I had last week, but I'm gonna try to do something different. Huh? No. I didn't make a resolution. People never keep them. I never keep them. Well I did actually keep the last one I made, which was to not make anymore resolutions. With all that said I got in a lackluster workout yesterday, but I did something, which was not easy. My key will be to get back to he point where I'm doing something daily. Huh? Well yeah, it'll likely be the same stuff I was doing before. Ok fine. Nothing about me is different. You caught me. I only got a new calendar. I'm just worrying about writing 2012 instead of 2011. After I get that I'll worry about the intensity of my workouts. So f*** you with the heat of 1,000 white hot suns. Huh? Yeah. I guess that was pretty intense.

January 1, Day 300, 234.4 lbs, 35.5% bf

Dear Diary,
I've made it 300 days. And yeah I know its not hard to spend 300 days doing anything. But 300 days ago I also chose to make a change. A change in how I ate and several days later I chose to make a change in how active I was. It turned out pretty well. Huh? Well no, I wasn't active for all 300 days and yes, I ate plenty of bad s**t. I mean I had vacations, holidays, a surgery and I've been battling some issues, which have slowed me down, but I can say that the effort I made over the last 300 days was greater than the effort I put forth in the previous 300.  I sacrificed the things I loved to do for the things I needed to do. Without those sacrifices, I could be talking to you about 300 lbs at the rate I was going. Instead I'm kind of complaining about only being down 30 lbs from my highest weight. Huh? I know, I know. There will be no glory in my sacrifice. Blah, blah, blah. This is not Sparta, you know, but I will put my foot in your chest and kick your punk a** into a bottomless pit as soon as I get a chance. 


Speaking of getting a chance, I got a chance to hit the bike this morning. Rode for a few miles and read a book. I have to get back to doing it more often. It doesn't matter what my body does in response. Actually I should say that it shouldn't matter what my body does in response. It'll be pretty f***ing depressing to put forth an effort and get nothing in response which is basically what I think has happened over about the last 150 days. But I can't worry about that. The effort I put forth in my next 300 has to be greater than my last 300. And me putting this effort in is going to cost me. That also means its going to cost you. B***h. This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this. I'm not your King. Prepare for glory!