Dear Diary,
I woke up this morning to find that I hit 240 exactly. I could react as usual by railing at you and the scale. But hell, this isn't even the same scale. Just some douche bag I met in Vegas. It doesn't even know me. How could it get my weight right? F*** you. That's not how scales work. It would make sense to actually weigh people but I don't get the feeling they do. They seem to like to f*** with you and I sense this one is no different. After all I did yesterday I'd have thought I'd stay the same. Ok maybe not, but I did put in some work. Sit ups, push ups, walked more than a mile between hotels in my suit and in what had to be 90 degree weather at 11pm. But f*** it. I figured I'd be happy if I came home below 240. I'm sitting in the airport now, so I'd say I came pretty damn close. Now I have the next 5 days off to work my a** off. Huh? It's a saying dumb f***. I know I need to work the belly much more than my a**. A**hole.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
June 29, Day 114, 238.5 lbs
Dear Diary,
I'm in Vegas and I'm losing! No. Not yay muthaf***a. I'm losing money, not weight. As a matter of fact, I gained weight, but not much. It's almost unrealistic to think I could come out here and lose weight. It's also unrealistic to think I wouldn't lose money. It's a good thing I have more rules than money. My favorite Vegas rule is to never hit the ATM. Saves me every f***in time. Second favorite rule is a new one from my last visit in April. Get the f*** up when a Russian dealer comes in as relief. It saved me some last night while my buddies got burnt. Speaking of burnt, I spent some time in the pool yesterday. It was like a damn club. People holding up the wall and no swimming. F*** that. I put in work. Why are you still cheering? Oh really!?! You're cheering that I lost money. You are a true a**hole. Karmas a bitch. Believe me. I found out yesterday.
I'm in Vegas and I'm losing! No. Not yay muthaf***a. I'm losing money, not weight. As a matter of fact, I gained weight, but not much. It's almost unrealistic to think I could come out here and lose weight. It's also unrealistic to think I wouldn't lose money. It's a good thing I have more rules than money. My favorite Vegas rule is to never hit the ATM. Saves me every f***in time. Second favorite rule is a new one from my last visit in April. Get the f*** up when a Russian dealer comes in as relief. It saved me some last night while my buddies got burnt. Speaking of burnt, I spent some time in the pool yesterday. It was like a damn club. People holding up the wall and no swimming. F*** that. I put in work. Why are you still cheering? Oh really!?! You're cheering that I lost money. You are a true a**hole. Karmas a bitch. Believe me. I found out yesterday.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
June 28, Day 113, 238.2 lbs, 36% bf
Dear Diary,
This losing weight s**t is not rocket science. It's more like magic. Burning calories can burn you out, but if you burn more calories than you take in, you lose weight. Simple right? But what about when you drink a lot of liquids? That's where the magic kicks in. Sometimes what you do works. Sometimes it doesn't. Yesterday I found out what didn't work. I was good most of the day. TLO made me a sandwich for breakfast. It was egg whites and turkey bacon. Good stuff, but all I thought about was the 250 calorie bun. I had salmon for lunch. No big deal there. Dinner was the problem. TLO made pancakes. I decided against the sweets and opted for chili dogs instead. Wise decision. Huh? Do you not understand sarcasm? F***, I hate you. I have this thing in my mind that sweet is bad. It's been a good rule of thumb, but when it pushes you to the wrong thing it's time to rethink things. I can't say that the chili dogs alone were a bad idea, but three of them along with the popcorn and soda I had at the movies were. All that food and a lack of rest made me fall asleep during the movie. I was so tired I went to sleep instead of working out when I got home and.... Presto, chango, fatso! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like magic. Good for you. Now shut the f*** up before I stick this wand up your a**.
This losing weight s**t is not rocket science. It's more like magic. Burning calories can burn you out, but if you burn more calories than you take in, you lose weight. Simple right? But what about when you drink a lot of liquids? That's where the magic kicks in. Sometimes what you do works. Sometimes it doesn't. Yesterday I found out what didn't work. I was good most of the day. TLO made me a sandwich for breakfast. It was egg whites and turkey bacon. Good stuff, but all I thought about was the 250 calorie bun. I had salmon for lunch. No big deal there. Dinner was the problem. TLO made pancakes. I decided against the sweets and opted for chili dogs instead. Wise decision. Huh? Do you not understand sarcasm? F***, I hate you. I have this thing in my mind that sweet is bad. It's been a good rule of thumb, but when it pushes you to the wrong thing it's time to rethink things. I can't say that the chili dogs alone were a bad idea, but three of them along with the popcorn and soda I had at the movies were. All that food and a lack of rest made me fall asleep during the movie. I was so tired I went to sleep instead of working out when I got home and.... Presto, chango, fatso! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like magic. Good for you. Now shut the f*** up before I stick this wand up your a**.
Monday, June 27, 2011
June 27, Day 112, 236.8 lbs, 37.5% bf
Dear Diary,
Thats what I'm talking about. Made it through a weakend with an overall loss. And believe me, if ever there was a true weakend, this was it. Didn't work out Friday or Saturday. Ate like a mad man Saturday night. Actually, it wasn't that bad. It was just crazy compared to what I've become. I've definitely become someone and something different. Huh? Yeah I know, I'll always be an a**hole. And you'll always be a piece of s**t, so we're even. But you'll always stink and I can clean myself up. Recently I think I've been cleaning up kinda nice. The mirror has been nice to me and while I haven't tried to convince myself that I'm skinny, I do see something good going on. Clothes that were on their way to being too tight a couple of months back, are now too big. I'm going through the closet and finding some golden oldies and fitting them better than I did the first time around. I can do this because I've become dedicated to eating better and exercising. I've become super conscious of the things I eat and when I eat them. Before I just used to dump anything into the old gullet, anytime I pleased. I don't do that anymore. Now back to the things that'll never change. I will never like you and I will f*** you up if you ever get too sentimental on me. Now get the f*** outta my face.
Thats what I'm talking about. Made it through a weakend with an overall loss. And believe me, if ever there was a true weakend, this was it. Didn't work out Friday or Saturday. Ate like a mad man Saturday night. Actually, it wasn't that bad. It was just crazy compared to what I've become. I've definitely become someone and something different. Huh? Yeah I know, I'll always be an a**hole. And you'll always be a piece of s**t, so we're even. But you'll always stink and I can clean myself up. Recently I think I've been cleaning up kinda nice. The mirror has been nice to me and while I haven't tried to convince myself that I'm skinny, I do see something good going on. Clothes that were on their way to being too tight a couple of months back, are now too big. I'm going through the closet and finding some golden oldies and fitting them better than I did the first time around. I can do this because I've become dedicated to eating better and exercising. I've become super conscious of the things I eat and when I eat them. Before I just used to dump anything into the old gullet, anytime I pleased. I don't do that anymore. Now back to the things that'll never change. I will never like you and I will f*** you up if you ever get too sentimental on me. Now get the f*** outta my face.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
June 26, Day 111, 238.4 lbs, 36.5% bf
Dear Diary,
Yeah I gained weight. Saw it coming a mile away too. Went to dinner at Crustaceans yesterday. Roasted garlic crab, garlic noodles, spinach and a couple of drinks. After that swung by CPK for some red velvet cake. Quite a departure from my recent eating habits, but it was a special occasion. I was breathing. If that's not special I don't know what is. Add the fact that I fell asleep without working out and you realize it could have been much worse. I was honestly bracing for 240. You know how jealous the scale can get. I think TLO's plan for the day helped save me. Fruits for breakfast, light lunch and then a kick a** dinner. The day long sacrifice was worth it in the end. Great day with a happy ending. Huh? No. Not that kind. I'm not that lucky. Well I'm kinda lucky, but there are times that you have to make your own luck. I've heard it said that luck is when skill and preparation come together and that chance favors the prepared mind. So you should just prepare to get lucky and if you have skill someone may do you a favor if they get the chance. Diary, you getting any of this? Aww, f*** it. I'm not getting anything either.
Yeah I gained weight. Saw it coming a mile away too. Went to dinner at Crustaceans yesterday. Roasted garlic crab, garlic noodles, spinach and a couple of drinks. After that swung by CPK for some red velvet cake. Quite a departure from my recent eating habits, but it was a special occasion. I was breathing. If that's not special I don't know what is. Add the fact that I fell asleep without working out and you realize it could have been much worse. I was honestly bracing for 240. You know how jealous the scale can get. I think TLO's plan for the day helped save me. Fruits for breakfast, light lunch and then a kick a** dinner. The day long sacrifice was worth it in the end. Great day with a happy ending. Huh? No. Not that kind. I'm not that lucky. Well I'm kinda lucky, but there are times that you have to make your own luck. I've heard it said that luck is when skill and preparation come together and that chance favors the prepared mind. So you should just prepare to get lucky and if you have skill someone may do you a favor if they get the chance. Diary, you getting any of this? Aww, f*** it. I'm not getting anything either.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
June 25, Day 110, 237.6 lbs, 34% bf
Diary, Diary, Diary,
So I get it now. I can take the blame for some of these swings. Its all the damn water. I got all super hydrated on Thursday night because I felt like I was getting sick. Cindy told me that the body sometimes holds onto water when its burning through fat. Huh? You don't know her. No. Thats not the one I wrote about in the 80's. Damnit a**hole, if you have the ability to search back through my entries, and we're gonna have to talk about that more, you need to go back and find Cindy's last name. I'll wait. Yeah, thats right muthaf***a. Cindy Brady. Look you were wrong. It happens. Stop with your tears. You're making the ink run. You know what? F*** it. Baby talk, baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk. If you had a nose, I'd throw a football at it.
So I get it now. I can take the blame for some of these swings. Its all the damn water. I got all super hydrated on Thursday night because I felt like I was getting sick. Cindy told me that the body sometimes holds onto water when its burning through fat. Huh? You don't know her. No. Thats not the one I wrote about in the 80's. Damnit a**hole, if you have the ability to search back through my entries, and we're gonna have to talk about that more, you need to go back and find Cindy's last name. I'll wait. Yeah, thats right muthaf***a. Cindy Brady. Look you were wrong. It happens. Stop with your tears. You're making the ink run. You know what? F*** it. Baby talk, baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk. If you had a nose, I'd throw a football at it.
Friday, June 24, 2011
June 24, Day 109, 239 lbs, 36% bf
Dear Diary and Scale,
Don't think that just because I addressed someone else yesterday that I forgot about you a**holes. You've made it very clear that you want attention. Well here it is. F*** you. I rode 25 miles last night. Hit a few sit ups. I even ate right yesterday. And I gain 2 lbs? Bulls**t. What the f*** is up with these stupid swings? They are worse than my swings on the golf course. Keep f***ing with me and I'll stick my driver up your a**. Hmmm. Maybe I should go out and walk another 18 holes this weekend. Thanks for the idea. You're welcome for my attention. A**holes.
Don't think that just because I addressed someone else yesterday that I forgot about you a**holes. You've made it very clear that you want attention. Well here it is. F*** you. I rode 25 miles last night. Hit a few sit ups. I even ate right yesterday. And I gain 2 lbs? Bulls**t. What the f*** is up with these stupid swings? They are worse than my swings on the golf course. Keep f***ing with me and I'll stick my driver up your a**. Hmmm. Maybe I should go out and walk another 18 holes this weekend. Thanks for the idea. You're welcome for my attention. A**holes.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
June 23, Day 108, 237 lbs, 34.5% bf
Dear Stomach,
F*** you. Who the hell do you think you are? Stomach. Answer me! Stop that incessant growling and use your words. You've been hanging around far too long and causing nothing but pain. You're either empty or full, but either way you're b***hing. I see why people try to tie you up. You're a f***ing douche. A douche bag to be more exact. I realize you don't have much control over what people put into you, but you do have control over what you do with it. You should just let it go, but you choose to hold on to way too much. They say life is 20% what happens to you and 80% how you react. I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you that you over f***ing react. You get all stretched out and bent out of shape over the dumbest little things. Have some intestinal fortitude. Man the f*** up and act like you have some guts. At the core, you're an essential part of our being. Hopefully a small part, but a part nonetheless. But you want to play far too big a part. I'd much rather you be a six pack, but in my life you've been a damn keg. You're a couple cans short of a six pack if you know what I mean. You don't know? Exactly my point. Currently I figure I've gotten you down to a party ball. But the party is over for you. You f***ed that all up. You got greedy. You got too full of yourself and you became big enough to pop up on my radar. Now I'm getting my vendetta on against you. I'm gonna drop you so fast, you'll think my name is gravity. I hate you and what you do to people. Now stop being lazy. Sit up and go the f*** away. Hasta la vista, baby. But don't get all comfortable and try to show up again because, I'll be back. I can't say the same for you.
PS. It's not a tumor!
F*** you. Who the hell do you think you are? Stomach. Answer me! Stop that incessant growling and use your words. You've been hanging around far too long and causing nothing but pain. You're either empty or full, but either way you're b***hing. I see why people try to tie you up. You're a f***ing douche. A douche bag to be more exact. I realize you don't have much control over what people put into you, but you do have control over what you do with it. You should just let it go, but you choose to hold on to way too much. They say life is 20% what happens to you and 80% how you react. I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you that you over f***ing react. You get all stretched out and bent out of shape over the dumbest little things. Have some intestinal fortitude. Man the f*** up and act like you have some guts. At the core, you're an essential part of our being. Hopefully a small part, but a part nonetheless. But you want to play far too big a part. I'd much rather you be a six pack, but in my life you've been a damn keg. You're a couple cans short of a six pack if you know what I mean. You don't know? Exactly my point. Currently I figure I've gotten you down to a party ball. But the party is over for you. You f***ed that all up. You got greedy. You got too full of yourself and you became big enough to pop up on my radar. Now I'm getting my vendetta on against you. I'm gonna drop you so fast, you'll think my name is gravity. I hate you and what you do to people. Now stop being lazy. Sit up and go the f*** away. Hasta la vista, baby. But don't get all comfortable and try to show up again because, I'll be back. I can't say the same for you.
PS. It's not a tumor!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
June 22, Day 107, 239 lbs, 29% bf
Dear Diary,
This feels like a betrayal. I haven't felt this betrayed since they killed Stringer Bell on The Wire. And believe me, that hurt. I think it's because you hate me. Which is surprising because I treat you with so much love and respect. Huh? Oh. Yesterday and everyday before that? I was only trying to make you better. Plus did you see how hard Denzel went on that guy in Training Day? You got off easy. I didn't even shoot you. Ok, yeah. Not this time. Fine. But what you've done is much worse. I've done my part. I ate right. Fruit for breakfast, chipotle for lunch, and some beef and rice for dinner. The closest I got to making a questionable decision involved eating a single piece of licorice. I rode the bike for 15 miles and got to sleep earlier than usual. And you reward me by adding to the pound gained column? Well...f*** you. F*** the scale too. And you guys wonder why you don't have any friends. You're some betraying a** b***hes.
PS. I'm easily at the last notch on my belt. You need to catch up to my progress. Once this belt is useless, I'll use it to beat you when you're insolent.
This feels like a betrayal. I haven't felt this betrayed since they killed Stringer Bell on The Wire. And believe me, that hurt. I think it's because you hate me. Which is surprising because I treat you with so much love and respect. Huh? Oh. Yesterday and everyday before that? I was only trying to make you better. Plus did you see how hard Denzel went on that guy in Training Day? You got off easy. I didn't even shoot you. Ok, yeah. Not this time. Fine. But what you've done is much worse. I've done my part. I ate right. Fruit for breakfast, chipotle for lunch, and some beef and rice for dinner. The closest I got to making a questionable decision involved eating a single piece of licorice. I rode the bike for 15 miles and got to sleep earlier than usual. And you reward me by adding to the pound gained column? Well...f*** you. F*** the scale too. And you guys wonder why you don't have any friends. You're some betraying a** b***hes.
PS. I'm easily at the last notch on my belt. You need to catch up to my progress. Once this belt is useless, I'll use it to beat you when you're insolent.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
June 21, Day 106, 237.4 lbs, 36.5% bf
Dear Diary,
I see what you're trying to do. Trying to play games with me. "This s**t's chess, it ain't checkers." You almost got me this time. Trying to leave me stuck in a single spot for a few days no matter what I do. Not matter how hard I work I can't get down. No matter how well I eat I'm not gonna lose. Well f*** you. I'll take this itty bitty drop and flaunt this s**t. Then I'm gonna keep pushing through. I could go back and look at my earlier entries from when you left me stranded around 248 I think, but what's that gonna do? Plus why would anyone read this drivel anyway? Oh. Thanks. I find it mildly entertaining too. But don't try to get on my good side f***er. There should have been more weight loss. Is this like a job review? You have to do better than you did the last time to get the same f***ing score? Well if you're gonna be like that then you better provide some expectations. Tell me how long to ride the bike, how many sit-ups and push ups to do. I need to know what the f*** it's gonna take to get where I need to be. You need to be trained and I'm just the guy to do it. Today's a training day, Diary. Show you around, give you a taste of the business. I got 28 lbs that I've lost, 37 more to my goal, totaling 237 and some change on the scale. I ain't holding no hands, okay? I ain't baby-sitting. You got today and today only to show me who and what you're made of. You don't like helping me lose weight get the f*** out of my house. Go get you a nice, desk job, chasing bad checks or something, you hear me? Listen. Everyone can be trained. I trained myself to do better. I was talking to TLO this morning and asked her if she thought I was gonna be able to do this when I started. She said something to the effect that she didn't doubt I could, but she didn't think I would. I felt about the same. Now that I'm doing it though, I know I can. I'm not some little f***in train that thinks I can. I know I can, cause I've been trained. I also know I don't f***in like working my a** off for little or nothing. So get the f*** with it. You are getting close to running out of pages. Don't think for a second I won't replace you if you can't do your f***ing job. Your review score is a 1/1 right now. You f***ing suck. The scale too. Oh you talking s**t? Aww, you motherfuckers. Okay. Alright. I'm putting cases on all you b***hes. Huh. You think you can do this s**t... Diary. You think you can do this to me? You motherf***ers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you. SHU program. 23 hour lockdown. I'm the man up in this piece. You'll never see the light of... who the f*** do you think you're f***ing with? I'm your owner, I run s**t around here. You just live here. Yeah, that's right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away... 'cause I'm gonna' burn this motherf***er down. King Kong ain't got s**t on me. That's right, that's right. S**t, I don't, f***. I'm winning anyway, I'm winning... I'm winning any motherf***ing way. I can't lose.
PS. Yeah, I know I lost. Problem is you did too. Stop taking my work for granted. B***h.
I see what you're trying to do. Trying to play games with me. "This s**t's chess, it ain't checkers." You almost got me this time. Trying to leave me stuck in a single spot for a few days no matter what I do. Not matter how hard I work I can't get down. No matter how well I eat I'm not gonna lose. Well f*** you. I'll take this itty bitty drop and flaunt this s**t. Then I'm gonna keep pushing through. I could go back and look at my earlier entries from when you left me stranded around 248 I think, but what's that gonna do? Plus why would anyone read this drivel anyway? Oh. Thanks. I find it mildly entertaining too. But don't try to get on my good side f***er. There should have been more weight loss. Is this like a job review? You have to do better than you did the last time to get the same f***ing score? Well if you're gonna be like that then you better provide some expectations. Tell me how long to ride the bike, how many sit-ups and push ups to do. I need to know what the f*** it's gonna take to get where I need to be. You need to be trained and I'm just the guy to do it. Today's a training day, Diary. Show you around, give you a taste of the business. I got 28 lbs that I've lost, 37 more to my goal, totaling 237 and some change on the scale. I ain't holding no hands, okay? I ain't baby-sitting. You got today and today only to show me who and what you're made of. You don't like helping me lose weight get the f*** out of my house. Go get you a nice, desk job, chasing bad checks or something, you hear me? Listen. Everyone can be trained. I trained myself to do better. I was talking to TLO this morning and asked her if she thought I was gonna be able to do this when I started. She said something to the effect that she didn't doubt I could, but she didn't think I would. I felt about the same. Now that I'm doing it though, I know I can. I'm not some little f***in train that thinks I can. I know I can, cause I've been trained. I also know I don't f***in like working my a** off for little or nothing. So get the f*** with it. You are getting close to running out of pages. Don't think for a second I won't replace you if you can't do your f***ing job. Your review score is a 1/1 right now. You f***ing suck. The scale too. Oh you talking s**t? Aww, you motherfuckers. Okay. Alright. I'm putting cases on all you b***hes. Huh. You think you can do this s**t... Diary. You think you can do this to me? You motherf***ers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you. SHU program. 23 hour lockdown. I'm the man up in this piece. You'll never see the light of... who the f*** do you think you're f***ing with? I'm your owner, I run s**t around here. You just live here. Yeah, that's right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away... 'cause I'm gonna' burn this motherf***er down. King Kong ain't got s**t on me. That's right, that's right. S**t, I don't, f***. I'm winning anyway, I'm winning... I'm winning any motherf***ing way. I can't lose.
PS. Yeah, I know I lost. Problem is you did too. Stop taking my work for granted. B***h.
Monday, June 20, 2011
June 20, Day 105, 238 lbs, 36.5% bf
Dear Diary,
You know, this thing of ours, its been kinda helpful. I made it through the weakend. I'm a made man now. Basically unscathed. Huh? Unscathed. Not unbathed. Why would you say that? Oh... I don't smell that. You know what? F*** you. Anyways. It was great from Friday night all through Sunday. Great times with family and friends. The time, and my stomach, was filled with good foods and plenty of bad ones too. I had some form of cake each day. I did my best to work it off though and I'm cool with the results. No I'm not cool and the gang, but nice try. Speaking of gangs, I did spend some time with the EBG this weekend, but I also took it to the prison yard for the old school workout. Did about 200 sit-ups and about 120 or so push ups over the course of the day Sunday. Pretty much while watching golf and the crappy reality TV that TLO had on last night. I know it's not much, but it's more than I had been doing, so if you got something to say you can meet me on the yard during break. Damn. I have to get out of the prison state of mind. It'll be the end of you and I almost shanked the TV last night. You can only take so many Italian accents, if they aren't part of the Sopranos. You know what? I'm putting a DVD player in the garage tonight. I need the Sopranos back in my life. I just need to make sure I don't start eating like Tony again. No more gabagool. You might want to watch your back though diary. All that talking could get me wacked. Do you know what the family would do to me if they knew I had a diary. Oh. You would like that huh? You f***in rat. I'll make sure you get the Moe Green Special.
You know, this thing of ours, its been kinda helpful. I made it through the weakend. I'm a made man now. Basically unscathed. Huh? Unscathed. Not unbathed. Why would you say that? Oh... I don't smell that. You know what? F*** you. Anyways. It was great from Friday night all through Sunday. Great times with family and friends. The time, and my stomach, was filled with good foods and plenty of bad ones too. I had some form of cake each day. I did my best to work it off though and I'm cool with the results. No I'm not cool and the gang, but nice try. Speaking of gangs, I did spend some time with the EBG this weekend, but I also took it to the prison yard for the old school workout. Did about 200 sit-ups and about 120 or so push ups over the course of the day Sunday. Pretty much while watching golf and the crappy reality TV that TLO had on last night. I know it's not much, but it's more than I had been doing, so if you got something to say you can meet me on the yard during break. Damn. I have to get out of the prison state of mind. It'll be the end of you and I almost shanked the TV last night. You can only take so many Italian accents, if they aren't part of the Sopranos. You know what? I'm putting a DVD player in the garage tonight. I need the Sopranos back in my life. I just need to make sure I don't start eating like Tony again. No more gabagool. You might want to watch your back though diary. All that talking could get me wacked. Do you know what the family would do to me if they knew I had a diary. Oh. You would like that huh? You f***in rat. I'll make sure you get the Moe Green Special.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
June 19, Day 104, 238 lbs, 32.5% bf
Dear Diary,
I'm tired. Woke up at 5 something and did a little self evacuation before hitting the bike for an hour and a half. Rode for twenty two miles with the EBG. Got in a few minutes on the treadmill like TLO suggested before my beautiful boys crashed the party. I kept trying to tell Myles to stay back but the call of the treadmill was too much. I pulled the plug after going about half a mile up hill when the kid tried to hop on with me. Even though it got cut short, I got it in. I had to do it after yesterday. Had a big breakfast at the church in the morning. Plus cake. Had a big late lunch, early dinner yesterday. Plus cake. The good thing is it was from Rascals, so it was somewhat healthy. Huh? It was not decadent! It was decent. I can show you indecent if you want to keep questioning me. Now stop that s**t. Where was I? Oh yeah, decency. I got in a decent workout too. Hit the scale and got a good number. I'm happy with the day so far. And yes it is Father's Day. Oh. Thanks! You are a muthaf***a so I guess I should extend the same to you!
I'm tired. Woke up at 5 something and did a little self evacuation before hitting the bike for an hour and a half. Rode for twenty two miles with the EBG. Got in a few minutes on the treadmill like TLO suggested before my beautiful boys crashed the party. I kept trying to tell Myles to stay back but the call of the treadmill was too much. I pulled the plug after going about half a mile up hill when the kid tried to hop on with me. Even though it got cut short, I got it in. I had to do it after yesterday. Had a big breakfast at the church in the morning. Plus cake. Had a big late lunch, early dinner yesterday. Plus cake. The good thing is it was from Rascals, so it was somewhat healthy. Huh? It was not decadent! It was decent. I can show you indecent if you want to keep questioning me. Now stop that s**t. Where was I? Oh yeah, decency. I got in a decent workout too. Hit the scale and got a good number. I'm happy with the day so far. And yes it is Father's Day. Oh. Thanks! You are a muthaf***a so I guess I should extend the same to you!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
June 18, Day 103, 239 lbs, 32.5% bf
Dear Diary,
'I'm sorry. Huh? It happened again. No, this time I really f***ed up. Seriously, what's wrong with me? I don't even know where to begin.' I guess I can start with yesterday. I was doing good for most of the day and then dinner happened. Met the fam at the Elephant Bar. Which one? It was on Lakewood, but not in Lakewood, not that it matters. Oh!?! You're trying to help me piece together what happened. Cool. It was the dinner party. The whole night. It got out of control... And uh, I gained weight.
Man, I walked in the door and joined my uncle and cousin at the bar. Got a fruity drink. No. I'm pretty sure it didn't have a roofie in it. I should roofie your a**. No telling what the scale will do to you when you're passed out. Hahaha! Huh? Why are you always like that? I'm gonna f*** you up. No I didn't say that. I don't want to f*** on you! Damn. Try to get your prepositions straight for once. You f***ing idiot! I did not proposition you. I thought I was the one that had the hangover?!? Well, I guess that would be overstating it. I just had the one drink. So I had the jungle colada and some appetizers. Yes they were fried. Some shrimp and chicken. That's their perfect state. They should have been born that way. I think Lady Gaga would agree. Damnit. That is how you pronounce her name. F***. You and the scale. Always trying to correct me. I don't need you. Well not really. 'You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when I found you next to those tampons, I knew you were one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Diary joined in later. And 3 months ago, when you introduced me to the scale, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added another d**khead to my wolf pack. Three of us wolves, running around thedesert the house together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine bean burritos and trail mix.' And answers too. Looking for answers. I guess I don't need your help to find them. I had the strawberry shortcake last night after eating the rainbow trout for dinner. Then I got home and fell asleep. No real mystery there. Just fat waiting to happen. I woke up and there It was. Oh that and a tiger. F***, I keep forgetting about the damn tiger! Toodle-ooh, muthaf***as!
Man, I walked in the door and joined my uncle and cousin at the bar. Got a fruity drink. No. I'm pretty sure it didn't have a roofie in it. I should roofie your a**. No telling what the scale will do to you when you're passed out. Hahaha! Huh? Why are you always like that? I'm gonna f*** you up. No I didn't say that. I don't want to f*** on you! Damn. Try to get your prepositions straight for once. You f***ing idiot! I did not proposition you. I thought I was the one that had the hangover?!? Well, I guess that would be overstating it. I just had the one drink. So I had the jungle colada and some appetizers. Yes they were fried. Some shrimp and chicken. That's their perfect state. They should have been born that way. I think Lady Gaga would agree. Damnit. That is how you pronounce her name. F***. You and the scale. Always trying to correct me. I don't need you. Well not really. 'You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when I found you next to those tampons, I knew you were one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Diary joined in later. And 3 months ago, when you introduced me to the scale, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added another d**khead to my wolf pack. Three of us wolves, running around the
Friday, June 17, 2011
June 17, Day 102, 237.4 lbs, 35.5% bf
Dear Scale,
I should be thanking you. I got up this morning and you told me wonderful things. I weighed in at 237.4 lbs. You hung on 237.2 for a few seconds before jumping up, but hey it's all good. Well it was. I did a few things that should have made me a couple of lbs lighter so I decided to hit the scale again. I usually don't do that. I just go with the first weight I get, but I really wanted to know if that made a quantifiable difference. It did alright. My weight went up! You stupid f***er. What the f*** are you thinking? You want me to get all happy and think I have room to mess up today? I f***in knew it. Are you trying to set me up to fail? Yes!?! Boy are you bold. I have to say I appreciate your honesty though. Well except for the fact that your dumb a** can't tell me what I really weigh. And don't get me started again on the body fat. Hell, I might be 273.4 you dumb f***. So in reality, you're only somewhat honest. But tell me this. Did you and 240's have something going on? Ha! I knew it. Thats why you had her hanging around so long. Shes an easy lover, but you should know that you cant hurry love. I don't think the two of you will make it. It'll be against all odds. If it were up to me I'd give you one more night, but that would mean I'd have to gain weight to make that happen and I'm not up for that. But hey the weakend is here and I do have a dinner with the family tonight, so you never know. Actually I know. I may get wasted though and TLO will have to take me home. Huh? Ok you caught me. I was listening to Phil Collins again on the way to work. So f***in what? Keep f***ing around and giving me the wrong info and I'm gonna humpty dumpty your a**. No one will be able to put you back together again. I wonder if Phil has a song for that. B***h.
PS. Sus-sussudio!
I should be thanking you. I got up this morning and you told me wonderful things. I weighed in at 237.4 lbs. You hung on 237.2 for a few seconds before jumping up, but hey it's all good. Well it was. I did a few things that should have made me a couple of lbs lighter so I decided to hit the scale again. I usually don't do that. I just go with the first weight I get, but I really wanted to know if that made a quantifiable difference. It did alright. My weight went up! You stupid f***er. What the f*** are you thinking? You want me to get all happy and think I have room to mess up today? I f***in knew it. Are you trying to set me up to fail? Yes!?! Boy are you bold. I have to say I appreciate your honesty though. Well except for the fact that your dumb a** can't tell me what I really weigh. And don't get me started again on the body fat. Hell, I might be 273.4 you dumb f***. So in reality, you're only somewhat honest. But tell me this. Did you and 240's have something going on? Ha! I knew it. Thats why you had her hanging around so long. Shes an easy lover, but you should know that you cant hurry love. I don't think the two of you will make it. It'll be against all odds. If it were up to me I'd give you one more night, but that would mean I'd have to gain weight to make that happen and I'm not up for that. But hey the weakend is here and I do have a dinner with the family tonight, so you never know. Actually I know. I may get wasted though and TLO will have to take me home. Huh? Ok you caught me. I was listening to Phil Collins again on the way to work. So f***in what? Keep f***ing around and giving me the wrong info and I'm gonna humpty dumpty your a**. No one will be able to put you back together again. I wonder if Phil has a song for that. B***h.
PS. Sus-sussudio!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
June 16, Day 101, 238.4 lbs, 35% bf
Dear B***hes,
Way to get the message. I got what you were saying too. I can't just eat whatever I want and go to sleep. Problem is I have things to do and can't always get the big block of time to workout. Good thing it's summer. There's not much better than letting your kids play until they fall out and sneaking in a couple of sit ups and push ups. I may meet my goals yet...
Way to get the message. I got what you were saying too. I can't just eat whatever I want and go to sleep. Problem is I have things to do and can't always get the big block of time to workout. Good thing it's summer. There's not much better than letting your kids play until they fall out and sneaking in a couple of sit ups and push ups. I may meet my goals yet...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
June 15, Day 100, 240.6 lbs, 30.5% bf
Diary and Scale,
Come on in. You're right on time. For a long time, I thought that I was untouchable. But I wasn't. Well maybe I was. I wasn't at my best and I'm pretty sure TLO didn't want to touch me. It was time to bring sexy back. Yeah! And as you know today is Day 100 of our weight loss cha(lle)nge. I say 'our' because this is a team effort. And that gives me great enthusiasm. "Enthusiasms, enthusiasms... What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork... Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don't field... what is he? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? I'm goin' out there for myself. But... I get nowhere unless the team wins. " So Scale, F*** yo... Who's at the door? Huh? Where'd this bat come from? Don't worry about it. Scale, why are you laughing? Ok, ok. Here I come. You a**holes stay there. Hello? Oh hey 240's. What are you doing here? Oh. Scale told you where we'd be!?! Well come on in and have a seat. Me? Oh I've been around... Fine. No more beating around the bush. I've been seeing someone new. The 230's. 230's got a smaller gut, I know I told you I'd be true, but 230's got a smaller gut so I'm leaving you. See ya. Actually don't leave yet. I'm not gonna keep you nearly as long as you kept me, but I want you to hear this too. Diary, Scale, 240's... You've been my biggest motivators through your hate. Just because I ate the daddy sized piece of fried chicken last night with a very small red velvet cupcake and a small sliver of cheesecake without exercising doesn't mean I should gain two pounds, you hating a** b***hes. 'All you guys that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day, you have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that you had before you woke up today. You have the same personal problems you had today. I'm going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that. You can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy about me not accomplishing my goal or gaining a pound or two. But you have to get back to the real world at some point.' And real world standards say that losing 25 pounds in 100 days is pretty good. It's a quarter pound a day, which is way better than eating a daily quarter pounder. No, I didn't eat daily quarter pounders. It was more like Big Macs, but that's not the point. Look. All I'm saying I'd that I've made huge changes in these first 100 days and I'd appreciate your your support over the next 100. We're a team. Group hug! A team that almost lost it's Scale. Don't f*** with me anymore ok buddy? And get this body fat s**t together. Diary. Keep your f***ing mouth shut. You don't need to tell the world all of my damn business. Ok? 240's... Well. First of all, don't touch me. You... Well you have no place here. You can get the f*** out. B***h.
Come on in. You're right on time. For a long time, I thought that I was untouchable. But I wasn't. Well maybe I was. I wasn't at my best and I'm pretty sure TLO didn't want to touch me. It was time to bring sexy back. Yeah! And as you know today is Day 100 of our weight loss cha(lle)nge. I say 'our' because this is a team effort. And that gives me great enthusiasm. "Enthusiasms, enthusiasms... What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork... Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don't field... what is he? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? I'm goin' out there for myself. But... I get nowhere unless the team wins. " So Scale, F*** yo... Who's at the door? Huh? Where'd this bat come from? Don't worry about it. Scale, why are you laughing? Ok, ok. Here I come. You a**holes stay there. Hello? Oh hey 240's. What are you doing here? Oh. Scale told you where we'd be!?! Well come on in and have a seat. Me? Oh I've been around... Fine. No more beating around the bush. I've been seeing someone new. The 230's. 230's got a smaller gut, I know I told you I'd be true, but 230's got a smaller gut so I'm leaving you. See ya. Actually don't leave yet. I'm not gonna keep you nearly as long as you kept me, but I want you to hear this too. Diary, Scale, 240's... You've been my biggest motivators through your hate. Just because I ate the daddy sized piece of fried chicken last night with a very small red velvet cupcake and a small sliver of cheesecake without exercising doesn't mean I should gain two pounds, you hating a** b***hes. 'All you guys that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day, you have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that you had before you woke up today. You have the same personal problems you had today. I'm going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that. You can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy about me not accomplishing my goal or gaining a pound or two. But you have to get back to the real world at some point.' And real world standards say that losing 25 pounds in 100 days is pretty good. It's a quarter pound a day, which is way better than eating a daily quarter pounder. No, I didn't eat daily quarter pounders. It was more like Big Macs, but that's not the point. Look. All I'm saying I'd that I've made huge changes in these first 100 days and I'd appreciate your your support over the next 100. We're a team. Group hug! A team that almost lost it's Scale. Don't f*** with me anymore ok buddy? And get this body fat s**t together. Diary. Keep your f***ing mouth shut. You don't need to tell the world all of my damn business. Ok? 240's... Well. First of all, don't touch me. You... Well you have no place here. You can get the f*** out. B***h.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
June 14, Day 99, 238.6 lbs, 37% bf
Dear Big F***in Belly,
Big F***in Belly will you please go now! The time has come.
The time is now.
Just go.
Go.
Go!
I don't care how.
I’ll eat plenty of chicken, but not too much cow.
Big F***in Belly will you please go now!
I’ll do some running. Even scraped up my knees.
You can say what you want.
But
please go.
Please!
I don't care.
You can go by bike.
You can go on my exercise bike if you like.
If you like you can go in an old balling a** Jordan shoe.
Just go, go, GO!
Please do, do, DO!
Big F***in Belly I don't care how.
Big F***in Belly
will you please go NOW!
I’ll do P90X.
I’ll eat even more fish. You can go in a f***in casket if you have a death wish.
Not sure why you’re still here. Your act is stale.
Just f*** yourself and go to hell.
Big F***in Belly don’t you know the time has come to go, go, GO!
Get on your way!
Please Big F***er!
You might like going in a Chevrolet.
You can go by ‘64 . . .
Or glass house.
Or Impala.
You can go any time now and there’s no need to holla
. . .You can even go on a G4 jet.
I don't care how you go.
Just get, b***h get!
Big F***in Belly!
I don't care how.
Big F***in Belly will you please
GO NOW!
I said
go and
go
I meant . . .
The time had come so . . .
Belly WENT.
PS. F***in belly. Hasn't left yet. Go away.
Monday, June 13, 2011
June 13, Day 98, 238.8 lbs, 39%
Dear Diary,
Don't have much to say. Yeah, I know seems like a first. Just let the graph do the talking. I already did all the walking on Saturday. Glad I did. I did a little more working out yesterday, but the best part of my weekend was the end. I fell asleep and slept for 10 hours, which is a lifetime for me.
Don't have much to say. Yeah, I know seems like a first. Just let the graph do the talking. I already did all the walking on Saturday. Glad I did. I did a little more working out yesterday, but the best part of my weekend was the end. I fell asleep and slept for 10 hours, which is a lifetime for me.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
June 12, Day 97, 239.6 lbs, 39% bf
Dear Diary,
Man. Had a pretty good day yesterday, though I didn't see it coming. I was out until 2am Friday night and woke up early Saturday to golf with friends. If that wasn't bad enough everyone else had the same idea and the course ran out of carts. Ended up walking 18 holes. Yeah. Real ones this time. Figured I walked at least 5 miles because I was all over the place. Plus it was like I played 2 rounds with all the strokes I took. The whole morning and into the afternoon I only ate a rice cake and trail mix. Finished up the day with a club sandwich and salad. I stole some fries from my buddy but not too many. Got home and finally got some rest. Got up this morning and discovered cookies that TLO made last night. Had one and figured I needed to get I a quick workout. Rode with the EBG and did some sit ups and push ups. Did good enough to drop below 240 for the first time... Hell. Since I don't know when. Needless to say I'm happy. Couldn't have done this with out you buddy. Actually I could have. So f*** you.
Man. Had a pretty good day yesterday, though I didn't see it coming. I was out until 2am Friday night and woke up early Saturday to golf with friends. If that wasn't bad enough everyone else had the same idea and the course ran out of carts. Ended up walking 18 holes. Yeah. Real ones this time. Figured I walked at least 5 miles because I was all over the place. Plus it was like I played 2 rounds with all the strokes I took. The whole morning and into the afternoon I only ate a rice cake and trail mix. Finished up the day with a club sandwich and salad. I stole some fries from my buddy but not too many. Got home and finally got some rest. Got up this morning and discovered cookies that TLO made last night. Had one and figured I needed to get I a quick workout. Rode with the EBG and did some sit ups and push ups. Did good enough to drop below 240 for the first time... Hell. Since I don't know when. Needless to say I'm happy. Couldn't have done this with out you buddy. Actually I could have. So f*** you.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
June 11, Day 96, 241.8 lbs, 37% bf
Dear Diary,
My 240 lb virginity appears to be very short lived. I just got f***ed! Now tell me who did this to me before I shoot you again!?! It'll be Rihanna's man down in this muthaf***a. Nah, nah, nah! There is no f***ing way I consumed nearly 7,000 calories without working any off. I had a couple breadsticks at lunch yesterday to go with the chicken, brisket and salad. Not a big deal. Had some wontons for dinner. Very light. Then we went to a party. Where? I was on a boat muthaf***a. Don't you ever forget! I won't. I almost threw up on my nautical themed pashmina afghan. I had a couple tacos. Big f***ing deal. Right? Shut the f*** up. If I want your opinion I'll yank it out of that new bullet hole you have. Now shut your mouth b***h! Stop getting that ink all over the place. If you don't die shortly, you're gonna have a mess to clean up. But oh yeah... Some taquitos, less than half a cupcake and one drink. Pretty sure the calorie count in vodka is low. And to top it all off, a 1:30 am slice of pizza. I was warned not to eat it by TLO and my BGF, but I did it anyway. All that and no workout. Hmmm... I don't think you lose your virginity when you f*** yourself. So I guess I'm good! You on the other hand, have a bullet inside you. In hindsight, that was wrong of me. Sorry about that!
PS. I'm sure you'll deserve it soon.
PSS. BGF is best gay friend. I saw you looking all puzzled and s**t. Speaking of puzzles, I'm looking for Sudoku. Don't be mad.
My 240 lb virginity appears to be very short lived. I just got f***ed! Now tell me who did this to me before I shoot you again!?! It'll be Rihanna's man down in this muthaf***a. Nah, nah, nah! There is no f***ing way I consumed nearly 7,000 calories without working any off. I had a couple breadsticks at lunch yesterday to go with the chicken, brisket and salad. Not a big deal. Had some wontons for dinner. Very light. Then we went to a party. Where? I was on a boat muthaf***a. Don't you ever forget! I won't. I almost threw up on my nautical themed pashmina afghan. I had a couple tacos. Big f***ing deal. Right? Shut the f*** up. If I want your opinion I'll yank it out of that new bullet hole you have. Now shut your mouth b***h! Stop getting that ink all over the place. If you don't die shortly, you're gonna have a mess to clean up. But oh yeah... Some taquitos, less than half a cupcake and one drink. Pretty sure the calorie count in vodka is low. And to top it all off, a 1:30 am slice of pizza. I was warned not to eat it by TLO and my BGF, but I did it anyway. All that and no workout. Hmmm... I don't think you lose your virginity when you f*** yourself. So I guess I'm good! You on the other hand, have a bullet inside you. In hindsight, that was wrong of me. Sorry about that!
PS. I'm sure you'll deserve it soon.
PSS. BGF is best gay friend. I saw you looking all puzzled and s**t. Speaking of puzzles, I'm looking for Sudoku. Don't be mad.
Friday, June 10, 2011
June 10, Day 95, 240.0 lbs, 37% bf
Dear Diary,
What a f***in day!?! I hit the scale this morning and only register 240 lbs. This is not a celebration. I'm not bragging or boasting I'm just saying. I feel like a new person. A 240 lb virgin if you will. I can't wait to get to the 230's. I seriously don't even remember being there the first time around. I was 210 getting married, then next thing you know I was 240. Huh? Still stuck on the virgin thing? Look, its not that kind of virgin, but I figured you and the scale would understand. "Yeah, well, virgin's not a dirty word. You know what's a dirty word, is a**hole, and that's what you guys are." Stop acting like you don't understand. I'm gonna have to cut you guys off if you keep acting stupid. I'll be on my own like Michael McDonald. We'll be up to talking divorce and we aren't even marrriiiieeddd! I love some Michael McDonald, even downloaded his greatest hits last night, but "if I have to hear "Yamo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Yamo" burn this place to the ground." It's good stuff, but it ain't no muthaf***in riding music. Hell, I don't listen to music when I ride with the E.B.G. Just watch some good tv. Last night while watching some Superman cartoons I rode for 23 miles. Nice brisk pace. Huh? No, I said brisk. Like the iced tea, not bris. Speaking of bris, how was your visit to your cousin Torah? Oh. You "touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School." "You're gay now?" Not that there's anything wrong with it, but I already knew. Oh. You're not gay, just celibate... "I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now." I'm gay for saying that? How? How do you know I'm gay? Because I like Coldplay? Ok. Maybe you're right. But it's only one song. A**hole. That's why I don't like you. Which technically proves I'm not gay and you are. You are an a**hole and I don't like you, but I am an a**hole and you love me. Ipso facto, fatso. Huh? Admit it. You know you love me. See I told you. You're gay. And you're fabulous. I say that because I see you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts. Seacrest out, b***h!
What a f***in day!?! I hit the scale this morning and only register 240 lbs. This is not a celebration. I'm not bragging or boasting I'm just saying. I feel like a new person. A 240 lb virgin if you will. I can't wait to get to the 230's. I seriously don't even remember being there the first time around. I was 210 getting married, then next thing you know I was 240. Huh? Still stuck on the virgin thing? Look, its not that kind of virgin, but I figured you and the scale would understand. "Yeah, well, virgin's not a dirty word. You know what's a dirty word, is a**hole, and that's what you guys are." Stop acting like you don't understand. I'm gonna have to cut you guys off if you keep acting stupid. I'll be on my own like Michael McDonald. We'll be up to talking divorce and we aren't even marrriiiieeddd! I love some Michael McDonald, even downloaded his greatest hits last night, but "if I have to hear "Yamo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Yamo" burn this place to the ground." It's good stuff, but it ain't no muthaf***in riding music. Hell, I don't listen to music when I ride with the E.B.G. Just watch some good tv. Last night while watching some Superman cartoons I rode for 23 miles. Nice brisk pace. Huh? No, I said brisk. Like the iced tea, not bris. Speaking of bris, how was your visit to your cousin Torah? Oh. You "touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School." "You're gay now?" Not that there's anything wrong with it, but I already knew. Oh. You're not gay, just celibate... "I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now." I'm gay for saying that? How? How do you know I'm gay? Because I like Coldplay? Ok. Maybe you're right. But it's only one song. A**hole. That's why I don't like you. Which technically proves I'm not gay and you are. You are an a**hole and I don't like you, but I am an a**hole and you love me. Ipso facto, fatso. Huh? Admit it. You know you love me. See I told you. You're gay. And you're fabulous. I say that because I see you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts. Seacrest out, b***h!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
June 9, Day 94, 241.0 lbs, 37.5% bf
Dear Diary,
I have no issue with you today. So, obviously there is nothing to talk about. Well ok. I did have a triumphant return to the garage. Hit the bike and rode out with the E. B. muthaf***in G. for 20 miles. Got in some time on the weight bench and did some old school sit ups. I find that they work better for me than the ab lounger and other candy a** substitutes. Because I've not been trying to get big off the weights I've been lifting light. Maybe too light. I find that push ups seem to be better than the bench. Maybe I need to increase the weight. More importantly I need to find a better show to pass the time on Netflix. Either that or bring down a DVD player and start watching The Wire again. The Sarah Connor Chronicles suck more than commercials. I gave it about a show and a half and just couldn't get into it. Huh? Look unless you have a good show to give me go ahead and shut the f*** up. I'm still mad at you for telling me that Fantastic Four was a good movie. I'm gonna fantastically f*** you up next time you give me a bad recommendation. I guess we have issues now. It's your fault for reminding me.
I have no issue with you today. So, obviously there is nothing to talk about. Well ok. I did have a triumphant return to the garage. Hit the bike and rode out with the E. B. muthaf***in G. for 20 miles. Got in some time on the weight bench and did some old school sit ups. I find that they work better for me than the ab lounger and other candy a** substitutes. Because I've not been trying to get big off the weights I've been lifting light. Maybe too light. I find that push ups seem to be better than the bench. Maybe I need to increase the weight. More importantly I need to find a better show to pass the time on Netflix. Either that or bring down a DVD player and start watching The Wire again. The Sarah Connor Chronicles suck more than commercials. I gave it about a show and a half and just couldn't get into it. Huh? Look unless you have a good show to give me go ahead and shut the f*** up. I'm still mad at you for telling me that Fantastic Four was a good movie. I'm gonna fantastically f*** you up next time you give me a bad recommendation. I guess we have issues now. It's your fault for reminding me.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
June 8, Day 93, 242.2 lbs, 33% bf
Dear Diary,
Good day yesterday. Got in 18 holes of golf. Nice little workout. Huh? Miniature golf, yes. But I was a beast. I was on a rampage. I tore the course up. Literally. I've never seen anyone leave a divot on a mat, but its possible. I had a buddy bring his own putter out there. He finished 48 under par. Hilarious.
Ate well. Mostly. The right, light breakfast. Fish for lunch and dinner. I lost a little. But now I'm playing the what if game. What if I didn't pop those two bite sized cheesecakes? What if I worked out, instead of trying to do work? Oh well. Things happen. I just need to make the right things happen. What? Yeah, what's happening was a good show, but I don't have time to work in lines from that one. I'll just have to stick with the theme I have going so far, so I have a couple more.... What if I gave a f*** about your opinion? What if my diary wasn't such a b***h? Peace out a**hole.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
June 7, Day 92, 243.0 lbs, 32.5% bf
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I got my nerd on big time. I got home grabbed the kids and ran to pick up a camera that I ordered. I proceeded to read the instruction book. Who does that? BTW, he said hello and asked if that nasty rash of yours ever cleared up. I'm just passing on the message. I don't want to know. Damnit! No! I will not rub cream on it. Why I oughtta... Woosaa. I'm gonna let that go. Continuing my nerdiness, I watched the whole 2 hour keynote speech from Apple's developer conference. To make it worse, I tried to talk to a sleepy TLO about it. She didn't give a f***. But I did. So much so that I didn't make it to the bike last night. The EBG is feeling neglected. Huh? You're worried about that too? “Me and you, us never part. Makidada. Me and you, us have one heart. Makidada. Ain’t no ocean, ain’t no sea. Makidada. Keep my diary away from me.” You've got nothing to worry about. Almost nothing. The scale on the other hand...I loves The scale, God knows I do. But I'll kill him dead 'fo I let him say I'm still fat. He black as tar, nappy-headed, got legs like baseball bats, and I hear he got that nasty man's disease. He just mad I keep stepping on him. But hey, I own him and I can do what I want. S**t! Let him try to fight back. All my life I had to fight. I had to fight hamburgers. I had to fight tacos. I had to fight cakes. A fat boy ain't safe in a restaurant, but I ain't never thought I'd have to fight in my own house! Till he do right by me, everything he even think about gonna' fail. Good thing he don't think about much. I on the other hand think too much. Hence my nerddom. Huh? I don't think you should make fun of that. I can change. You can't. You sho' is ugly! B***h!
Yesterday I got my nerd on big time. I got home grabbed the kids and ran to pick up a camera that I ordered. I proceeded to read the instruction book. Who does that? BTW, he said hello and asked if that nasty rash of yours ever cleared up. I'm just passing on the message. I don't want to know. Damnit! No! I will not rub cream on it. Why I oughtta... Woosaa. I'm gonna let that go. Continuing my nerdiness, I watched the whole 2 hour keynote speech from Apple's developer conference. To make it worse, I tried to talk to a sleepy TLO about it. She didn't give a f***. But I did. So much so that I didn't make it to the bike last night. The EBG is feeling neglected. Huh? You're worried about that too? “Me and you, us never part. Makidada. Me and you, us have one heart. Makidada. Ain’t no ocean, ain’t no sea. Makidada. Keep my diary away from me.” You've got nothing to worry about. Almost nothing. The scale on the other hand...I loves The scale, God knows I do. But I'll kill him dead 'fo I let him say I'm still fat. He black as tar, nappy-headed, got legs like baseball bats, and I hear he got that nasty man's disease. He just mad I keep stepping on him. But hey, I own him and I can do what I want. S**t! Let him try to fight back. All my life I had to fight. I had to fight hamburgers. I had to fight tacos. I had to fight cakes. A fat boy ain't safe in a restaurant, but I ain't never thought I'd have to fight in my own house! Till he do right by me, everything he even think about gonna' fail. Good thing he don't think about much. I on the other hand think too much. Hence my nerddom. Huh? I don't think you should make fun of that. I can change. You can't. You sho' is ugly! B***h!
Monday, June 6, 2011
June 6, Day 91, 243.0 lbs, 35.5% bf
Dear Diary,
Life all comes down to a series of situations and the decisions you make in them. Sometimes you make the right ones, sometimes you make the wrong ones. Sometimes what seemed right turns out to be wrong and vice versa. The key is to learn from results of the decision you made to improve future decision making. You can recover from bad decisions. So I'm not worried about anything. You with me so far? F*** it. Stupid. I'll break it down some. This weakend, not unlike any other, I was faced with a situation of eating the food that would take me off my path of food righteousness. Most of the weakend I walked my path and even hit a new low. I made a kick a** bag of trail mix and didn't even eat the whole thing. TLO suggested that I break it down into smaller bags so I wouldn't be tempted to eat it all in a single sitting. I decided to take that advice. TLO decided to hook up some lunch Sunday after church. Fried chicken wings, some dirtyish rice, cabbage and muffins. I decided to eat it all. No dumba** I didn't eat all of the food. I had some of all of the food. OK. I can see how I might have confused you Diary. So I ate some of the food. Plus the bite sized cheesecake desserts. I decided to eat that one 4 times. Bad decisions on my part. I kept on saying that I was gonna work it off last night. Went in the garage and proceeded to fall asleep on the weight bench. No decision there. It was completely involuntary. It was the itis. Didn't think I ate that much to make me sleepy several hours later. Huh? Oh I guess it probably was just the fact that it was about 11pm, but don't doubt me. The itis is real. Now if you decide to interrupt me again, I'm gonna decide to f*** you up. And if that muthaf***in scale decides to punish me again... Well I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I'll take my talents to the South Beach diet. Probably not though. Either way I need to make a decision. But it won't be televised, cause that would be stupid. But again, the way you make your decision can be dumb, but it can still work out in the end. Huh Lebron?
Life all comes down to a series of situations and the decisions you make in them. Sometimes you make the right ones, sometimes you make the wrong ones. Sometimes what seemed right turns out to be wrong and vice versa. The key is to learn from results of the decision you made to improve future decision making. You can recover from bad decisions. So I'm not worried about anything. You with me so far? F*** it. Stupid. I'll break it down some. This weakend, not unlike any other, I was faced with a situation of eating the food that would take me off my path of food righteousness. Most of the weakend I walked my path and even hit a new low. I made a kick a** bag of trail mix and didn't even eat the whole thing. TLO suggested that I break it down into smaller bags so I wouldn't be tempted to eat it all in a single sitting. I decided to take that advice. TLO decided to hook up some lunch Sunday after church. Fried chicken wings, some dirtyish rice, cabbage and muffins. I decided to eat it all. No dumba** I didn't eat all of the food. I had some of all of the food. OK. I can see how I might have confused you Diary. So I ate some of the food. Plus the bite sized cheesecake desserts. I decided to eat that one 4 times. Bad decisions on my part. I kept on saying that I was gonna work it off last night. Went in the garage and proceeded to fall asleep on the weight bench. No decision there. It was completely involuntary. It was the itis. Didn't think I ate that much to make me sleepy several hours later. Huh? Oh I guess it probably was just the fact that it was about 11pm, but don't doubt me. The itis is real. Now if you decide to interrupt me again, I'm gonna decide to f*** you up. And if that muthaf***in scale decides to punish me again... Well I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I'll take my talents to the South Beach diet. Probably not though. Either way I need to make a decision. But it won't be televised, cause that would be stupid. But again, the way you make your decision can be dumb, but it can still work out in the end. Huh Lebron?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
June 5, Day 90, 241.8 lbs, 31% bf
Dear Diary,
I live the most virtuous life that you could imagine. Or at least I imagine that I do. "I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh s**t, I DO smoke and drink!" At least I don't do it too often, drink and smoke that is. Remember that time I got drunk and stabbed you? Good times... Huh? You still mad at that? You remember what I told you? "Life is pain. Get used to it." I have. I've kinda come to enjoy it among other things. I also enjoy the occasional cigar as I did last night while watching The Long Kiss Goodnight. It was well deserved after a day of eating well, doing some exercise, folding clothes and very light cleaning. The last of which TLO may not agree that I did at all. Actually she'd be right. But hey, I never told her that I was going to do a good job of cleaning when we got married. While my virtue may be imaginary, my other qualities are not. "I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest." But in LA, I'm just me. The chubby guy trying to eat right and lose some weight. The eating right part means less time at fast food places. I've become a very basic chef, it you count me making the same stuff TLO has made for me. The losing weight part, well...In recent years I hadn't gone to the pool for fear of embarrassing myself by having to take off my shirt. I wouldn't wear a t-shirt in the pool either, cause for a guy, that should be a huge sign of failure. I just didn't go. So I should probably say sorry to the kids for making them miss out on the pool that's just feet from our house for so many summers. So though I'm still not where I'd like to be, I'm getting a little more comfortable taking off my shirt in public and it helped that there was no one at the pool but me and MD3. I got in some exercise in the pool while making sure the boy didn't drown. A fathers work is never done. But that's mostly because a father, or this father to be more exact, never starts. Say something. I dare you. That's what I thought...what? "Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?" Dumba**. At least I learn from my lessons. Like I've learned to take a break from cigars. The last two have put knots in my stomach. I've been up since 4:30 this morning going to the bathroom. On a good note, I'm sure it helped me lose weight too, but the pain wasn't worth it. Huh? Oh, funny. "Life is pain. Get used to it." F*** you a**hole. Keep f***in with me and I'll chop you into tiny pieces and boil you in your own ink. "Chefs do that."
Saturday, June 4, 2011
June 4, Day 89, 243.2 lbs, 32% bf
Echo Three to Echo Seven. Diary, old buddy, do you read me?
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... F*** you. Now that thats out of the way, I've got to say that I gained some yesterday but I won't complain. I'm pretty sure I was on the right track yesterday. I started out the morning with fruit as usual. I was tempted to grab a jelly filled donut at the office, but I was told to stay away because I had been doing a good job losing so far. I reluctantly took the good advice and hit the road. I wanted to say don't worry about Mike. I'm sure he'll be all right. He's quite clever, you know... for a human being. I could hear the voice for the rest of the day whenever I reached for something to eat. Good or bad. I hit Taco Bell for lunch and got down with a fresco bean burrito. Still doing good so far. Picked up the kids after work and took them to Weinerschnitzel for hot dogs. After doing a quick calorie count...Yes Diary, I know. Its a habit I've kinda picked up lately. No, its not very manly. I don't have a comeback for this one, so do your worst. Ouch. Okay, that was kinda funny, but I'm not gonna do that with the hot dog. Back to the voice. I was given the all clear after seeing the calories were only 300 per dog. I should have checked my other site to see that though the calorie counts was low, it got a C- for nutrition. I get it Diary. You and I both know I wasn't eating that s**t for nutrition. It was a low calorie way to get some junk food in me to start my weakend. Look a**hole, I'm not sure how many calories I'd have taken in had I ingested it in your suggested fashion, but its never gonna happen. So I was out and headed back to the house when I realized I was hungry about 9 pm. The voice kept saying MIke! MIke! Don't! Its a trap! Its a trap! The little voice was riding me hard. I ended up going to Food 4 Less and grabbing rice cakes and bananas, as opposed to what I really wanted. I felt funny. Like I was giving in to the light side. No you dumb f***. The voice didn't say 'Mike, I am your father.' Funny, but two things. First, its a womans voice so the whole father thing would be strange. Second, that quote is not actually right. You really need to get your stuff right if you're gonna go all Empire Strikes Back on me you f***in nerd. May the Force be with you. If its not I can force my foot up your a**.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... F*** you. Now that thats out of the way, I've got to say that I gained some yesterday but I won't complain. I'm pretty sure I was on the right track yesterday. I started out the morning with fruit as usual. I was tempted to grab a jelly filled donut at the office, but I was told to stay away because I had been doing a good job losing so far. I reluctantly took the good advice and hit the road. I wanted to say don't worry about Mike. I'm sure he'll be all right. He's quite clever, you know... for a human being. I could hear the voice for the rest of the day whenever I reached for something to eat. Good or bad. I hit Taco Bell for lunch and got down with a fresco bean burrito. Still doing good so far. Picked up the kids after work and took them to Weinerschnitzel for hot dogs. After doing a quick calorie count...Yes Diary, I know. Its a habit I've kinda picked up lately. No, its not very manly. I don't have a comeback for this one, so do your worst. Ouch. Okay, that was kinda funny, but I'm not gonna do that with the hot dog. Back to the voice. I was given the all clear after seeing the calories were only 300 per dog. I should have checked my other site to see that though the calorie counts was low, it got a C- for nutrition. I get it Diary. You and I both know I wasn't eating that s**t for nutrition. It was a low calorie way to get some junk food in me to start my weakend. Look a**hole, I'm not sure how many calories I'd have taken in had I ingested it in your suggested fashion, but its never gonna happen. So I was out and headed back to the house when I realized I was hungry about 9 pm. The voice kept saying MIke! MIke! Don't! Its a trap! Its a trap! The little voice was riding me hard. I ended up going to Food 4 Less and grabbing rice cakes and bananas, as opposed to what I really wanted. I felt funny. Like I was giving in to the light side. No you dumb f***. The voice didn't say 'Mike, I am your father.' Funny, but two things. First, its a womans voice so the whole father thing would be strange. Second, that quote is not actually right. You really need to get your stuff right if you're gonna go all Empire Strikes Back on me you f***in nerd. May the Force be with you. If its not I can force my foot up your a**.
Friday, June 3, 2011
June 3, Day 88, 242.4 lbs, 38% bf
Dear Diary,
I know you don't smoke weed, I know this; but I'm gonna get you high today, 'cause it's Friday; you ain't got no job... and you ain't got s**t to do. And while you're getting high I'm gonna try to keep getting low. I'm continuing my slow decline towards my goal. Huh? Hold on. You can get that weed later. I thought you never smoked. Why are you so excited? You ain't got to lie Diary. You ain't got to lie. I know it's making you happy, but stop your premature celebrating. Who are you, the Miami Heat? I was watching that game last night and turned it off to get ready to workout with the Heat jumping to a 15 point lead with about 6 minutes to go. The rout and celebration were on. And it was too soon. So I've learned my lesson. No celebrating until the time is right. Got it? No? Still hung up on the cigaweed? Well I don't have any. That s**ts illegal. I'll give you a dollar. Go get your own from the ice cream truck. What? It's not enough? Make it enough. B***h. All this complaining has you sounding like your damn momma. But don't get mad, you know I loooove your momma.
PS. I know its your day off, but you're fired.
I know you don't smoke weed, I know this; but I'm gonna get you high today, 'cause it's Friday; you ain't got no job... and you ain't got s**t to do. And while you're getting high I'm gonna try to keep getting low. I'm continuing my slow decline towards my goal. Huh? Hold on. You can get that weed later. I thought you never smoked. Why are you so excited? You ain't got to lie Diary. You ain't got to lie. I know it's making you happy, but stop your premature celebrating. Who are you, the Miami Heat? I was watching that game last night and turned it off to get ready to workout with the Heat jumping to a 15 point lead with about 6 minutes to go. The rout and celebration were on. And it was too soon. So I've learned my lesson. No celebrating until the time is right. Got it? No? Still hung up on the cigaweed? Well I don't have any. That s**ts illegal. I'll give you a dollar. Go get your own from the ice cream truck. What? It's not enough? Make it enough. B***h. All this complaining has you sounding like your damn momma. But don't get mad, you know I loooove your momma.
PS. I know its your day off, but you're fired.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
June 2, Day 87, 242.6 lbs, 35.5% bf
Dear Diary,
What's popping? Its Thursday, and... Well f*** its just another f***ed up Thursday. Nothing special about that at all. Kinda like you. Nothing special at all. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday have the weekend thing going for it. Monday's suck for most people and though I love it as an escape from my weakends, I can see why they feel that way. But say what you will, at least people have a strong feeling about it. Wednesday is hump day and people feel like they can see the weekend from there, so thats pretty good. Tuesdays are pretty close to Thursdays, in the s**tty day of the week pecking order, but at least I've got a good bible study to go to. Just leaving Thursdays. Oh yeah. I go to my mother in laws on Thursdays. See I told you that day was f***ed up. She used to cook every week which was pretty good and probably a portion of the reason I gained so much weight, but it was greatly appreciated. Now all she does is look cute and talk about her boyfriend and basketball. Since she doesn't cook I usually stop and grab some San Sai or Chipotle on the way over. It used to be catfish nuggets and shrimp. Damn. Now that I'm putting this down I realize how much I miss those old days. I used to f*** that stuff up. Huge portions of fried food. Then I'd take my fat a** home and sit down to watch TV and go to bed after midnight. I was bound to have a heart attack if I'd have kept that up. I guess I don't miss being on the road to a heart attack. I can't recall the exact thing that made me start really trying to lose weight this time. The trigger might have been me tipping the scale at 265+ and seeing 270 on the horizon. Whatever the f***ing reason was I'm glad I did.
PS. I didn't mean to get all introspective and serious, but it happens from time to time.
PSS. F*** you diary.
PSSS. F*** you Thursday. Maybe if you could get someone to write a song about you things could be different.
What's popping? Its Thursday, and... Well f*** its just another f***ed up Thursday. Nothing special about that at all. Kinda like you. Nothing special at all. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday have the weekend thing going for it. Monday's suck for most people and though I love it as an escape from my weakends, I can see why they feel that way. But say what you will, at least people have a strong feeling about it. Wednesday is hump day and people feel like they can see the weekend from there, so thats pretty good. Tuesdays are pretty close to Thursdays, in the s**tty day of the week pecking order, but at least I've got a good bible study to go to. Just leaving Thursdays. Oh yeah. I go to my mother in laws on Thursdays. See I told you that day was f***ed up. She used to cook every week which was pretty good and probably a portion of the reason I gained so much weight, but it was greatly appreciated. Now all she does is look cute and talk about her boyfriend and basketball. Since she doesn't cook I usually stop and grab some San Sai or Chipotle on the way over. It used to be catfish nuggets and shrimp. Damn. Now that I'm putting this down I realize how much I miss those old days. I used to f*** that stuff up. Huge portions of fried food. Then I'd take my fat a** home and sit down to watch TV and go to bed after midnight. I was bound to have a heart attack if I'd have kept that up. I guess I don't miss being on the road to a heart attack. I can't recall the exact thing that made me start really trying to lose weight this time. The trigger might have been me tipping the scale at 265+ and seeing 270 on the horizon. Whatever the f***ing reason was I'm glad I did.
PS. I didn't mean to get all introspective and serious, but it happens from time to time.
PSS. F*** you diary.
PSSS. F*** you Thursday. Maybe if you could get someone to write a song about you things could be different.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
June 1, Day 86, 242.8 lbs, 36% bf
Dear Diary,
I feel much better. Yes. I know you don't give a f***. But that's ok. I don't need a f*** from you, so there. I'm not looking for your approval either. Okay? Say something. Please!?! Fine. I don't care anyway. I've got great things going on that have nothing to do with you. I got in a good workout last night and some light cardio this morning. You have to do it when the opportunity presents itself, even when things are tight. Just keep plugging away and eventually things will come together. If they don't, at least you tried. Because of that effort. I already know that today will be better than yesterday. The best part of yesterday was the beginning, where I sang in the car until I was hoarse, and the end with dinner with the fam, bible study and the workout. The day was like a s**tty sandwich with great bread and rancid meat. But I sang the f*** out of the high notes on Trey Songz 'Made to be Together.' A few months ago I'd have figured that song was about me and a Big Mac. Speaking of high notes, I reached a new low. And that's all I have to say about that, lest you try to f*** that up for me. So f*** you d**khead. See?!? I give a f***. Seacrest out.
I feel much better. Yes. I know you don't give a f***. But that's ok. I don't need a f*** from you, so there. I'm not looking for your approval either. Okay? Say something. Please!?! Fine. I don't care anyway. I've got great things going on that have nothing to do with you. I got in a good workout last night and some light cardio this morning. You have to do it when the opportunity presents itself, even when things are tight. Just keep plugging away and eventually things will come together. If they don't, at least you tried. Because of that effort. I already know that today will be better than yesterday. The best part of yesterday was the beginning, where I sang in the car until I was hoarse, and the end with dinner with the fam, bible study and the workout. The day was like a s**tty sandwich with great bread and rancid meat. But I sang the f*** out of the high notes on Trey Songz 'Made to be Together.' A few months ago I'd have figured that song was about me and a Big Mac. Speaking of high notes, I reached a new low. And that's all I have to say about that, lest you try to f*** that up for me. So f*** you d**khead. See?!? I give a f***. Seacrest out.
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