February 28, 2014, 236.7 lbs

Dear Diary,

Who was it that sang 'I want to go outside in the rain'? Keith Sweat I think. Huh? I'm not being dramatic. Oh. The Dramatics sang it too? Oh. Ok. All them muthaf****as are stupid. It may sound crazy, but I don't like that s**t. The only wetness I want on me after running is my own sweat and I don't really like that s**t for anything other than the sense of accomplishment it brings. And once the rain starts falling on my face, you won't see a single trace of the work I put in. I'll look just as wet all the other stupid people in the rain, which I'm assuming includes Keith Sweat and those a**holes. Now don't get it twisted, I'm ok with the rain, but I don't want to make it last forever. I mean I want to run again, but I'm not doing it in this s**t. Once the sun comes out and the rain has gone away then I'll return to the streets. Until then it's me and the EBG. Uh no. You can't join. How many times have I told you!?! Are you f***ing crying? You better take that s**t outside. Huh? Yup. In the rainnnnnnnnn...

February 26, 2014, 238.3 lbs

Dear Diary,

First off I want to apologize...to the scale. I must have put some unneeded extra pressure on it this morning for it to react to me the way it did. The things it said to me. It wasn't much, but it hurt. I know what I did was wrong. I mean, who eats that many coffee cakes? Huh? Yeah, me. But I had a good excuse. Ok fine, no I didn't. I did it because I wanted to. I'm not gonna lie. I still have the appetite for junk. Difference is now I make better decisions most times. And I exercise. Didn't do it yesterday. But today I got out and ran my best 5k yet. And that's without hitting my best mile. Even better than that I did my 3rd mile faster than my 2nd. That's a first. So f*** you. And f*** the scale too. I retract my apology. I'm not making excuses or apologies. I'm making waves muthaf**** so you better find a surfboard. Uh, no. I think Jay Z is taken. 

February 25, 2014, 236.3 lbs

Dear Diary,

I missed out on the best part of waking up. No a**hole. And who the f*** still drinks Folgers. I'm talking about getting in my morning workout. It's nice to have the miles behind you, my fuel points built up and a sense of accomplishment before the rest of the world wakes up. Huh? F*** you and f*** the other time zones. You know what I meant. You also know you wake up early when you see 5:40am on your clock and realize you missed your window to run and get back in time to shower and head out the door for work.  Not that I have all of that stuff done by that time, but if I start at that time I'm screwed. Huh? Not that kind of screwed, which would make for a pretty good morning. Hahaha. Great point! TLO sleeps like a log so it's only right to make some fire with her wood and mine. Huh? Actually yup, THATS the best part of waking up. 

February 24, 2014, 235.9 lbs

Dear Diary,
So uh...yeah. I've been away for a couple of weeks. I've been busy. And yes, that includes being too busy for your dumb a**, but I wasn't too busy to work out. I got in some runs even though I was sick. Truth be told, its probably the early morning runs that were making me sick. Huh? Not like how I was sick of running. I actually like it now. Hey, that was a good question. Uh... You know that threw me off my game. I mean who expects you to make sense? But you know what didn't throw me off my game and helped me make a few cents? Vegas b***h! I was there for close to a week and maintained my weight while enjoying some damn good food and doing a little gambling. I saw the Michael Jackson One show and huh? No a**, that has nothing to do with weight loss. You wanna be starting something? Cause the way you making me feel I wanna scream. Look I don't care if you're written in black or white, I'm gonna kick your a** until its read all over. No a**hole, its not a typo. Now beat it. B***h.

PS. Why does your breath smell like Jesus Juice and Jheri curl? Don't ask me how I know what those scents are!

February 12, 2014, 235.1 lbs

Dear Diary,

The key to running is to just start running. At least I think it is. I wasn't having the best of luck with keys anyway. Found mine in the washer last night, but that is neither here or there. Wasn't feeling the jog this morning. I'm still a bit sick and if I'm telling the truth these early morning runs probably aren't helping. I had a hard time getting out of the house. I couldn't find that damned key that I had lost and found yesterday. Found it under a remote and got out of the house. Uh, no. That would not have been the first place you looked. A**. Anyways, I found it and was on my merry way. And at a good pace I might add.  The key to a good run in my mind is to do what is comfortable for you, but try to do it a little faster and longer than the day before. Still, something told me to turn around. Usually that's just me wanting to quit, so I initially ignored it. When I finally listened I realized that I lost my key. Backtracked and found it sitting on the sidewalk about 5 feet from my front door. The key to getting back in the house is not to lose your key. Glad I listened. Uh, no. Not to you a**hole. You give horrible advice.  Also, yes. I'm glad I got in some mileage. These miles ain't gonna run themselves. Uh, no. I'm not giving you the key to not getting your a** kicked. I'm not open to that...

February 7, 2014, 237.0 lbs

Dear Diary,

Slept in this morning. Feeling a little bit under the weather. Huh? Well yeah, I guess we are always under the weather if we're on the ground but you're an a**. It's a f***ing colloquialism. I'm gonna put you under the ground. Oh my goodness! You're a f***ing idiot. That is not where the Underground Railroad is. It wasn't a f***ing subway. It was a network and not a social network like Facebook. And before you try to act like like you brought it up because of Black History Month, let's have the traffic light show red, cause you need to stop. Get it? Garrett Morgan invented the traffic light. No, no, no! Garrett Morris starred in Martin. Huh? I have run out of insults worthy of you. No. Martin was not about Martin Luther King. He was a great man that had a dream. You are an a**hole that has a nightmare. I am that nightmare. Please sleep in so I can terrorize you longer. You make me sick. Huh? Yes, that brings us full circle. Jerk. 

February 5, 2014, 237.2 lbs

Dear Diary,

I'm still The Man and you're still rejected material for maxi pads. You have no wings and you're not fly. Huh? Yeah that is harsh. Not sure where that came from because I'm having a good morning, governor. Scale went down. Ran my best mile and best overall pace this morning. I, unlike you, was flying. Ok. Flying-ish. That is until I left to go to work, but it took less than 2 hours to get to the office. So, life is great. Period. Uh. Ok. I'll sign a f***ing letter apologizing to you, but who apologizes to the help? I treat you better than they treat the people at Downton Abbey. Ok. Fine. That's not true. Just know that I'm not sorry. Hurry up and hand me the bloody pad bloke. 

February 4, 2014, 238.2lbs

Dear Diary,
I know, I know. Its early. I got up to get my run in because I'm The Man. You know how I know? Because this song told me so.

Yup, right from the beginning the song reaffirmed my beliefs. It also got me drinking the koolaid pretty quickly. "I believed every lie that I ever told." When I heard the pace I was going after 5 minutes, I knew I was The Man and The Man was going to crush his record for his best mile. Turns out I was wrong and I missed crushing my record. Hell I didn't even get close to it. But I still had a chance to be The Man because I had that song on a loop the whole time I ran. It turns out that wasn't as long as I had run before. Thats because The Man ran at a better overall pace today, in spite of missing out on my best mile. So f*** you mile one record. I got up and did what must be done.  I ran harder than before only to find myself standing 4th in the line of my Nike Running app motivation. 

Huh? Nope. No disrespect, but they're not my competition. The Man has no competition but The Man. I run to do better than I did before, but ok. The Man shouldn't be in 4th place. So maybe I'm not The Man yet, just a man. But I'll get there, because this is my world. It's time to do what must be done. Be a king when kingdom comes. So go ahead and tell everybody, I'm The Man, I'm The Man, I'm The Man. Huh? I know, I know. Its early.

February 2, 2014, 239.3 lbs

Dear Diary,
Mary had a little lamb and Michael had a lot. Well that and cake too. We celebrated my mom's birthday yesterday and we had George's Greek Cafe. There was lamb everywhere. Especially on my plate. Huh? No I don't know if he stole it from Mary. No he doesn't look like a gypsy. Also, I'm pretty sure thats a derogatory term plus what the f*** do gypsies look like? Oh, well... Dumba**. Because the lamb I ate wouldn't go away in silence, I decided to try to run it off.  As I began my run I had to stop because if was freezing like a muthaf***a. You knew!?!? Why didn't you tell me it was so cold you son of a b****!?!?! Forty six f***ing degrees. It was so cold that I can barely type now. It was so cold that the b**** of a pit bull that could have been your mother didn't chase me. Yup. That dog was out walking around by itself was so big that it should have just been called a bull. Luckily I had stopped running already when I saw it out of the corner of my eye. We both kept walking parallel to each other making sure the other wouldn't start running. It wouldn't come after me. How did I know? It wouldn't. I can't explain it. It - it would consider that rude. It was like we had a contract. Good thing that b**** was as old and as cold as me. If it was the warm day that the sun led me to believe it was gonna be when I looked out the window, things might have ended badly...for that sheepish dog. I'm a beast. I already ate Mary's lamb, courtesy of George. Huh? No, we didn't have fava beans and a nice chianti to complement the meal. Why do you ask? 

PS. I don't care if you are mad you weren't invited to the party. The Lyons don't concern themselves with the opinion of sheep.